The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (spicy books to read .txt) đź“•
Read free book «The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (spicy books to read .txt) 📕» - read online or download for free at americanlibrarybooks.com
- Author: Marshall P. Wilder
Read book online «The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (spicy books to read .txt) 📕». Author - Marshall P. Wilder
One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently, my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git yoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it."
"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country—"[Pg 285]
"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?" murmured I.
"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,—which I hev bin solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,—I do it only that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36 stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat is the Savior, and—and where is—"
Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence.
"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit sooner."
"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cussedness turns my stummick!"
It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whatever Kernel K——, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile in three diffrent prizns.
Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz shoor—quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he[Pg 286] supported the policy of the President? Are you quite shoor—quite shoor?
"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office!"
"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.
"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"
"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with wonder.
"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's Island!"
Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained.
The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral Wool wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General Ewing made another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we adjourned for dinner.
The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees wich[Pg 287] he hed conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he had jotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This occasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, etc.
I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed no influence with His Majesty. Two-thirds uv em pulled applicashens for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my takin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uv man," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took. Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplain to the expedishn.[Pg 288]
P.S.—I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed by eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.
Petroleum V. Nasby.[Pg 289]
FAMILIAR AUTHORS AT WORK BY HAYDEN CARRUTH Miss TrippWithout display or fuss or pother.
The house she dwells in is her own—
She got it from her dying father.
She goes to church three times on Sunday,
Her daily duty never shirks,
Nor keeps her goodness for this one day.
For wider fields she doesn't hanker;
Yet for the things they have I know
A-many poor folk have to thank her.
She loves her small domestic labors;
In spring she plants her garden seeds
And shares the product with her neighbors.
In literature she's made a foray:
"The Yellow Shadow"—said to be
"A crackerjack detective-story."
[Pg 290] Captain Brown
But of the sea he's very knowing.
I scarcely meet him once a year—
He's off in search of whales a-blowing.
He's sailed about upon the ocean.
He thinks that if he lived ashore
He'd die. But this is just a notion.
With barrels of oil from whales caught napping,
He'll pace the deck, and loudly snort,
"This land air is my strength a-sapping.
I wish that I had never seen land;
I wish I were a-chasing sperms
Abaft the nor'east coast of Greenland."
The Captain wrote a book most charming.
It's called—and it is having sales—
"Some Practical Advice on Farming."
T.H. Smith
Although he really is a hermit—
At least, Tom Henry lives alone,
And that's what people always term it.[Pg 291]
By fashion's change. He wears a collar
Constructed out of celluloid.
His hats ne'er cost above a dollar.
And cook a sausage at the fireplace.
It doesn't serve to help his dress—
Grease spatters over the entire place.
And writes a little for the papers,
But scarcely ever leaves his nook,
And takes no part in social capers.
I hope he'll never feel compunctions!
Its title is—it's on my shelf—
"Pink Teas and Other Social Functions."
Ruth Jones
I've watched them all their children fetch up.
Jones loves to have a quiet smoke—
She's famous for tomato catchup.
A tallish girl with pleasing features.
Each school-day morn she can be seen
As she trips by to meet her teachers.
Not given much to school-girl follies.
She still sometimes will slip away
To spend a half-hour with her dollies.[Pg 292]
She's quite a helpmate to her mother.
On Saturday she loves to take
The go-cart out with little brother.
Her book a great success is reckoned.
"By Right of Flashing Sword," its name,
A strong romance of James the Second.
[Pg 293] THE LOST WORD BY JOHN PAUL
I was weary of a's and e's,
And my fingers wandered wildly,
Over the consonant keys.
With that thing so like a pen;
But I struck one word astounding—
Unknown to the speech of men.
Like the break of a tinker's dam,
And I felt as one feels when the printer
Of your "infinite calm" makes clam.
Like an alphabet coming to strife.
It seemed the discordant echo
Of a row between husband and wife.
Into my perfect piece,
And set the machinery creaking
As though it were scant of grease.[Pg 294]
The one last word to divine
Which came from the keys of my typewriter
And so would pass as mine.
Will produce that word again,
It may be, but only for others—
I shall write henceforth with a pen.
[Pg 295] THE DUTCHMAN WHO HAD THE "SMALL POX" BY HENRY P. LELAND
Very dry, indeed, is the drive from Blackberry to Squash Point,—dry even for New Jersey; and when you remember that it's fifty miles between the two towns, its division into five drinks seems very natural. When you are packed, three on one narrow seat, in a Jersey stage, it is necessary.
A Jersey stage! It is not on record, but when Dante winds up his Tenth "Canter" into
Comments (0)