What's hidden within me by Ameera Butt (heaven official's blessing novel english txt) 📕

I sit here in confusion. Words wonder around my mind. Not sure what they are trying to express. Not sure what they mean. Not even sure what they are. But those words, they seem so aggressive and painful. Those words, they seem loud and clear yet I still cannot manage to get rid of my confusion. There's no one that I can ask. There’s no one that would know. I beat myself down to every word that is shown in this vision. It’s like random letters put together to show words that do not even exist. It’s like something old is trying to come out as something new and it’s a puzzle I need to solve to take it out. It’s like...

...I sit here confused with my eyes half open half shut. I can see everything so blurry as my eyes are half-watery half dry. I feel the atmosphere being so energetic as everyone is moving around me. Everyone rushing around in their own little world, everyone not having time for anyone else. Everything apart from me seems so lively and quick. But I feel myself being so negative, not reacting to anything. Also being so dead, almost not being me. My body being so still and extremely stiff, it doesn't want to respond to anything. My mind being full of things, things I can’t even imagine. I do not know what's going on. I have no awareness of anything. I feel completely lost within my own mind and there is no way I can come out of this. I admit I feel this warm heat around me, as it may be that season of the year but beside the heat from the sun, which is directing that at me from the corner of the nearest window I simply can’t feel anything else. I try to move around my hands but I can no longer feel them either. I think I have no idea what is wrong... But inside I know exactly what’s wrong. But my mouth is more stubborn than my mind since it won’t take out anything.

“Your name?” A loud half annoyed half-tired sounding old lady asks out sitting at the reception desk with a form in front of her as well as me. She keeps looking up at me and then down at the piece of paper as she sighs after every two seconds. Sitting on that tall which seems very old and weak chair, she seems to feel very agitated.
“Marwick” I look up at her and with a silly small thought I whisper out my full name. “Lillian Marwick.”
“Age?”
“Twenty-one”
“Gender?”
“Female” I respond. I look up at her feeling very confuse. Can she really not tell the difference between a male and female? Does she really not know how the both different genders look like?

The receptionist gives me deep glares as she continues asking me questions so she can fill in the form. After a good ten minutes she orders me to take a seat near by to her desk so that I could easily hear her when she calls out for me. She seems very rude and strange. It was like she didn't like her everyday job. She was forcefully sitting at her desk and has no other option but to sit there and receive new customers everyday. She really doesn't seem like a people person, even if she is one she isn't a really good one. Definitely not a good communicating person, without a doubt! Hair pulled up with a bun as she has a small white work cap to cover the top of her hair. Wearing a dull brown with olive colour shade dress with dark brown and half-chipped heels on. Fare skin with a combination of dark red lipstick with thickened eyeliner across her eyes and what I am assuming is light pink shaded blusher across her pure white cheeks. She has thick fat glasses hanging of from her neck, which is attached to a small thin glasses chain. Her hands are covered with different shapes of rings with a range of colours on each finger and different types of necklaces surround her neck. They seem more like charms but with her personality charms isn’t really going to work as far as I was concerned. As I slowly come out of my thoughts about her I slowly start drifting away into a sleep. My eyes not knowing what to do they keep dropping shut; they hadn’t rested in days. I have no idea how they all a sudden wanted to shut and rest now. Every night I spent trying to force my eyes to sleep as well as my mind. But them being wide-awake and not listening to any of my instructions ruining my sleep for the past however many months. It was actually starting to get really annoying and stupid. As I get deeper and deeper into the mood of sleep a name is shouted out and breaks me wide-awake.

“Miss Marwick! Are you there Miss Markwick?” The annoyingly loud receptionist shouts out being lazy sitting on her desk whilst having a small black phone in her hand. I bring myself up and stand on my feet giving her a confident nod. She looks at me as she continues speaking “Mrs Whitelock shall see you now.” She points to the nearest passageway and gives me instructions to get to Mrs Whitelock’s room. Nervously I catch on a speed and walk towards the room I was instructed to go to. As I reach to door number fourteen I look up at it and knock twice patiently waiting for a respond. Holding my hands together, fidgeting with my fingers in tension the door opens and a beautiful and probably just a little older than me lady stands in front of me with a smile across her face. Light blue shinny eyes with short yet silky straight brunette hair. As she looks so pure and natural not wearing any sort of make up. She is dressed in beautiful purple knee length dress with a black colour cardigan on top, finishing her look with small black heel shoes.

“Hello there, you must be Lillian; I’m Faith Whitlock. Come on in.” Faith says in such a pleasant and gentle voice. Me being still very nervous I walk into the room. It was a pretty average sized room and wasn't full of what I had expected. It wasn’t so colourful, but it definitely wasn’t dull. It was bright and white. It smelt so fresh as it contains such beautiful colourful flowers at the corner of the room on the window shelf. On the left side of the room was a big bookshelf filled with a different range of books with different sizes and all of them have a familiar cover colour. Most being dark brown shaded and rusty, seeming very old. Faith looks at me observing the bookshelf and with a giggle speaks out “Ah, my books. I haven’t been through them for a long time. I think I need a break from work and get with them again.” I looked back at her and gave a small smile whilst looking at her clear her desk. Her desk was full of papers; papers scattered around on her big strong looking light brown desk that had an unusual pattern on it. The desk was made out of wood for sure but the woody pattern on it was very different to the usual wooden desks. Sitting on top of the desk was a small black with a red outline pen holder which was full of different colour pens and had only three pencils in it, not forgetting the orange and green colour highlighters hidden within them. Next to the holder was a small note holder, which was full of little sticky notes that had appointment and other important notes for Faith to remember. I didn’t read anything of there as it was her personal thing and I didn’t want to be all nosey. Lying in front of the note holder was a thick notebook covered with scribbles and writing that didn't seem understandable. I would actually criticize her handwriting but then again my eyesight is terrible anyways so there's no point in criticising. Moving on from the notepad right in the edge yet centre of the table sat a half filled glass of water and a small plate that had a half-bitten biscuit on it. Finally next to that was a small lamp that had a strange yet unique and amazing colours of bright summery yellow and green mixed together on it. Of course lying in front of all that was the scattered papers as I have already mentioned.

“Sorry, this is taking a while. I feel so unorganised, you see the person I had before you I saw about nine months ago and they suddenly came back for some paper work. Now I have to search through some files and everything is just everywhere as you can see. Please take a seat I won’t be much long.” She rushes around whilst speaking to me. I kind of felt sorry for her because she didn’t really know what she was doing running around looking for files as she said. I quietly nod and sit down on the couch that was put right next to the window where the sunlight hit against me once again. This time I seem to enjoy the heat on me, it felt more relaxing. It felt more energetic. I shut my eyes and tilt my head a bit towards the window shelf as I wait patiently for Faith Whitelock to finish with whatever she was doing. My eyes start resting once again as everything starts becoming more cosy and light. Everything starts becoming dark...

“Lillian, have you fallen asleep?” A voice echoes from the back as I suddenly realise that I have fallen asleep waiting for Faith. With a moment of shock I quickly pull myself up and try to open my eyes wide. There I see Faith looking down at me seeming a little confused. “Are you okay?” She asks politely.
“Yes, sorry I just dozed off.” I reply getting words out of me as quick as possible whilst rubbing my eyes.
“You must’ve waited for too long and fallen asleep. I am truly very sorry for making you wait so long. I’m not actually like this.” She rushes back saying to me, sounding very apologetic.
“No, honestly it’s okay. I understand you had some things to sort out.” I reply back sounding very understanding.
“Well I’m certainly finished with all that work so now I can give you all the time you need and we can discuss why you are here today.” She happily asks.

I could feel my body going really numb as I look into her eyes trying to answer her questions. I can’t find any specific words that could answer her questions to be honest. Confused I just stare at her thinking that maybe she’ll understand but seeing how her face was reacting I knew she is equally confused and perhaps a little worried at the same time. Trying to not make the situation more awkward or silent I try to open my mouth and get words out but instead only gibberish mumbling was coming out of me. I was well prepared before coming here so why was I like this now? What was it? Fright or fear of something? A judgemental worry? I was now more confused than before as I sat back down on the soft couch and Faith came and sat beside me holding a glass of water in her hand.

“Here, take some