Short Fiction by Vladimir Korolenko (ready player one ebook TXT) 📕

profile, her dark dress and the tress of fair hair hanging over her shoulder.

My eyes were glued to the window; it was as if I were looking at people who mourned for me, for the “me” which had been and was not. A sense of overwhelming misery swept over my soul as if I were assisting at the burial of something unspeakbly dear to me⁠—my own youth, and with it⁠ ⁠…

Strange! From that time I have understood the legends of demons entering into men’s bodies and speaking through their mouths.

At that very moment when I suffered this unbearable misery, and felt so much tenderness towards this girl who felt so much for me, the dirty spot in my soul asserted its influence; and for the first time my sneering analysis touched the girl’s image and my love for her.

A tress of fair hair, said someone within me, so distinctly that I started as if I had actually heard an internal whisper. The whole matter lies in the fair tress. Never since I began to grow up have I been able to look unmoved at a fair tress hanging down a girl’s back. A fair tress on a dark brown dress suggests thoughts which still cause me acute distress.

At that moment, I heard footsteps and the sound of voices, one of which I recognized as that of Chernov, a comrade of mine both in the classes and the group. He belonged to a family of rich landowners, and it was known that he had once been in the habit of striking his female serfs in the face with his boots when they brought them to him badly cleaned. Moreover his harsh unsympathetic voice showed that his character was hard, and he possessed few attractive qualities. Many who knew him doubted the sincerity of his present liberal opinions; but Tonia believed in him: and Chernov repaid her with a seeming affection bordering on devotion.

The students were walking rapidly and must have seen me; but this did not embarrass me in the least. I quietly left the window and walked towards them, thinking that Chernov did not know of Tonia’s arrival, but as he was going to the Sokolovs he would soon see her. And embrace her⁠ ⁠… fraternally.

When I came up to them, the students looked round in amazement.

“It is all right, it is all right!” I said roughly, “don’t be confused, good folk! Make haste; Tonichka is come back.”

Chernov uttered a cry of joy; and I impulsively, and to my own surprise, added bluntly:

“And how her hair has grown!⁠ ⁠… splendid!”

Then I burst out laughing. I can imagine how utterly wild this speech must have seemed to them. And yet, for me, it was the logical continuation of my thoughts. I must have seemed to my fellow-students completely insane, and I often think, now, that even in the thoughts of regular maniacs, who talk all kinds of nonsense, there is far more sequence than we usually suppose.

The students hurried to the villa and I struck off into the wood, walking straight on without choosing my way. I wanted to tire myself out. I needed exhaustion, oblivion, and darkness.

XXIII

I was anxious to reach home quickly; only to get in, to fling myself down on my bed, to go to sleep at once without thinking about myself or her, to have a lucid interval before the torture recommenced.⁠ ⁠…

In my boyhood, when I still retained my childish beliefs and said my prayers, I once awoke on just such a dark night, with a feeling of unaccountable dread. To drive away my fear I thought of saying a prayer, but a word which had no business there crept into the middle of it. I began again from the first word, only, however, to break down a second time in the same place. This happened several times in succession. At first, the interpolation was mere nonsense, but after a while I observed with terror that instead of meaningless phrases naive and childish blasphemies crept into my mind; and the more passionately I began the prayer the more I was beset in the middle of it by sinful words and thoughts. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead and I became postively convinced that a demon was taking advantage of the darkness to whisper bad thoughts in my ear.

Now, I had neither childish superstition; nor was I tempted by imaginary demons in the dark, pathless grove. I fled from a soulless spectre which I bore within myself, feeling that it would devour the one thing which still remained in my heart uncontaminated and untouched; that in a few minutes more, I myself should destroy the last pure image which was left to me.

I walked on fast, my heart palpitating, and at moments contracting in sudden fear as if grasped by an invisible hand. The sombre tree trunks, black pillars in a waste of snow, separated and drew back as I passed; yet still a wall loomed large before me, and it seemed as if the park would never end.

All this time I had been walking at random; but by a lucky chance I came out directly opposite the Academy. Titus had just returned, and was lighting the lamp. His cap was pushed on to the back of his head and his face flushed and excited. When he had finished with the lamp he turned round to me and gave an account of his theoretical conversations.

He no longer watched me and greeted me with anxious looks; and he failed to observe that I was in no condition to listen to his narration. He came up and barred my way; and his long figure with its gesticulating arms stood before me like an absurd and clumsy silhouette, the shadow of his cap thrown across the ceiling.

“Just imagine,” he said, gesticulating excitedly, “Rouchin said to me.⁠ ⁠… No, I said to him:⁠—‘No, no; you are all wrong⁠—you look here!⁠ ⁠… I’ll just prove to you.⁠ ⁠…’ ”

A revolution had taken place in poor