A Home Like Ours by Fiona Lowe (feel good books .txt) 📕

‘And it’s not just me not getting it up. There’s no spontaneity. It’s all about planning. I can take Viagra or I could pump myself up—’ he shuddered, ‘—but then there’s the issue of my coordination, or to be accurate, my lack of it.’

She remembered some of their disastrous attempts before they knew what was going on with his body. ‘But since the drugs, you’ve been much more coordinated.’

‘Right up until I’m excited or stressed. And sex ticks both those boxes and anything close to resembling rhythm goes out the window.’

‘Should we go and talk to someone about it?’

He flinched. ‘Jesus, no. I’d clam up with a stranger. It’s hard enough talking to you about it. We never had to talk about it. We just did it and it was amazing.’

She ached for him and for herself. Why did Parkinson’s have to impact on every single part of their lives and force them to adapt? Why couldn’t one thing be free of change?

‘What do you want me to do?’ she asked.

‘Nothing. Something. I don’t know.’ His leg jiggled up and down, jerking wildly. ‘I don’t want to ask you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.’

‘Jon,’ she said softly. ‘In the last year, I’ve offered you almost everything in the playbook that I’m comfortable with. You hated it.’

‘I didn’t hate it. I hated what it meant. I gave you orgasms with my tongue, but you don’t think it’s enough.’ His guttural words sounded like they’d been wrenched out of him. ‘That I’m not enough.’

She hated that she’d made him feel less of a man and rushed to reassure him. ‘That’s not true—’

‘Come on, T. Be honest! We’ve been having sex for ten years. I know what turns you on and you’ve always liked it best with your legs up around my waist and me in buried deep.’

It was true. An orgasm from oral sex and masturbating was perfectly enjoyable, but she’d always considered it the prelude as it left her vagina twitching to be filled by him.

‘You’re right. I do.’

‘And now I can’t do that with any guarantee of success. I might get hard but not have the rhythm, or the other way round.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘So basically, we’re screwed.’

She groaned at the joke. ‘Metaphorically anyway.’ She climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘I’m sorry I made you feel bad when you gave me oral sex, but that was before either of us knew exactly what was going on. I thought when you rolled away from me, you were rejecting me.’

‘I was trying to be close to you. I should have told you I was having problems, but jeez, T. Admitting to not being able to get it up is soul-destroying. I hate that it nearly broke us. That it still might.’

She gripped his shoulders. ‘It’s not going to break us if we talk about how we’re feeling.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘And I just love doing that. If you ever doubt my love for you, remember this conversation.’

She laughed and stroked his cheek. ‘I don’t want to put any pressure on you. When you’re ready we can try Viagra. Or I could get involved with a pump? Make it part of foreplay.’

‘What? Like a sex toy?’

‘Why not? Just because we’ve never used them together doesn’t mean we can’t try.’

His eyes narrowed. ‘Did you buy a vibrator and not tell me?’

‘Maybe.’

‘And you didn’t tell me because you didn’t want to upset me?’

She sighed. ‘I bought it months ago when you—’ lost it ‘—got upset about the Viagra. And about that—I’m sorry. Lorraine’s made me understand that I shouldn’t have asked for the prescription. It’s your body and your decision.’

‘Yeah, but my ED affects both of us and I was sticking my head in the sand. We both did things we probably shouldn’t have.’ He was silent for a bit. ‘Won’t it seem weird using sex toys together?’

‘Probably. At first. But until you got sick we always laughed during sex, remember? I mean a pump can’t be any weirder than my fanny farts. The first time that happened after I had Flynn I almost died of embarrassment. You just laughed and said it was the Chinese equivalent of burping after a meal. You taught me sex can be noisy and messy and that’s part of the fun. Maybe we can make a pump fun.’

‘If you want to get involved with a pump, then I’ll get involved with the vibrator.’ He ran his hand under her hair, cupping the back of her neck. ‘I hate that us not having sex made you think I wasn’t attracted to you. From the moment I saw you on the resort tennis court, all long legs and cute behind, I was a goner. All I want is to make you feel like the gorgeous and sexy woman you are.’

Her heart squeezed and a rush of love thickened her throat. She rested her forehead against his. ‘I know how hard it is for you to talk about your feelings, but the fact we’re talking about sex makes me feel treasured and blessed.’

Shadows filled his eyes. ‘Sorry I let my ego and pride get in the way.’

‘Sorry I went a bit nuts, but let’s leave it in the past. Today we’ve made a new start and we’ve done it without either of us yelling or getting upset so that’s huge.’ A thought struck her. ‘Hey, maybe we need a codeword for when one of us wants to talk about sex. You know, to give each other a heads-up.’

‘It would need to be something the kids didn’t twig to.’

‘What about James Bond?’

He grinned. ‘Okay, Moneypenny.’

‘During the dark days I did a lot of reading. All sex therapists say talking about sex should never be done in the bedroom.’

He stroked her hair. ‘The deck seems like a good place.’

‘It does. I think we need to take the pressure off each other. Why don’t we sit here and channel our teenage selves.’

‘We didn’t