Lauren Takes Leave by Gerstenblatt, Julie (ebooks children's books free txt) 📕

“Looks like there’s been some hanky-panky of thedomestic-help variety,” Lenny whispers to Kat and me. “A little ‘bend over andlet me watch you clean that oven,’ huh? Whaddaya think?”

“I think you really are the world’s largest douche bag,Len,” Kat says.

“This has nothing to do with sex,” I say, putting thepieces together.

“How much do you pay Claudine?” Lee asks, trying to keephis voice neutral. Before Jodi can answer, he’s speaking again, moving towardher slowly. Jodi mimics his steps, except that she’s moving backward, and theydance a bizarre tango like that in a circle around the foyer. “I’m askingbecause I went to pay her for the week, which you usually do on Fridays, onlyyou were in Florida. Since she came to help out today, I paid her for that, andthen I counted out four hundred dollars in cash and handed it over for herweekly salary.”

Jodi’s big brown eyes grow bigger and more afraid, as ifshe’s Scrooge being shown a vision of her wicked past and the consequences heractions will carry into her future.

The shivah has stopped midchew, as all thirty or so of theguests hang on to this dramatic display, some with Styrofoam coffee cups heldaloft and frozen in time.

“And you know what she said?” Lee asks.

“Thank you?” Jodi guesses, her back now up against thesilver-and-taupe wallpaper, her hands tucked behind her, clutching thedecorative chair rail for support. Her body may show fear, but her voiceremains solid ice.

Lee shakes his head and smiles sadly, like he’s the onlyone in on the joke. “More like ‘Oh, Mr. Moncrieff, one of those hundred-dollarbills goes to Miss Jodi’s salary.’”

“She can’t really be that fucking stupid,” Jodi mutters toherself, anger now creeping in to claim its rightful spot behind surprise.

Lee laughs bitterly. “That’s the part that gets you upset?That Claudine was dumb enough to tell on you?”

Jodi pauses for a moment and looks like she’s going tocave. I think it’s time to usher everyone out of this shivah so that theMoncrieffs can have their marital dispute in private. But then Jodi steps uponto the first stair so as to be seen more clearly by the crowd and strikes adefiant pose.

Who am I kidding? Jodi loves an audience, no matter theoccasion.

In that momentary silence, Great-Aunt Elaine gets up fromher seat in the living room and pushes her way through our little group. “Waita second, wait a second,” she says, shuffling her feet slowly. Then, once she’sreached the foyer, she says, “I’m going to tell you a story.”

She steps into the center of the room and stares sort ofwistfully into the middle distance. “When I was a young girl, my mother gave meand my sister Sonia pushkes.”

“What the hell is a push key?” Kat whispers to me.

“Maybe it’s something related to Jodi.”

“And why does every funeral have anostalgic-old-lady-on-a-tangent?”

I shrug.

“A pushke is a small can or box kept in the home for thecollection of tzedakah, or charity, and yes, it relates to Jodi,” Elainesays, looking over at Kat and me and winking. “I may be slow to walk, but I amquick to hear. Anyway,” she continues, “our family kept one in the kitchen, onthe window ledge by the sink. We’d contribute change to it and give it to thesynagogue a few times a year.

“But not this pushke; this pushke was different. This tincan was a set aside for Sonia and me to save up some money—a dime here, a pennythere—you’d be surprised how, over time, it really adds up! And before you knewit, we would each have enough money to buy a new pair of satin gloves or aBillie Holiday record. Or both! All I’m saying is that Jewish women have beenkeeping little stashes of money on the side, hidden from their fathers andhusbands, for ages. The pushke is tradition.”

Jodi is hanging onto every word her great-aunt is saying,as if it’s Talmudic law. When Elaine stops to catch her breath, Jodi lookstriumphantly at Lee and says, “See? I was doing it for charity. And becauseI’m, like, supposed to.”

Great-Aunt Elaine walks over to Jodi and places hergnarled, arthritic hands on top of Jodi’s beautifully manicured ones. The pairstares deep into each other’s eyes. “Not only is it tradition, my darlinggrand-niece, it’s your birthright. It is truly your destiny to stealfrom you husband. It’s the Goldberg way. Given your insight, I’m not surprisedthat you discovered this secret all on your own.”

“So you were the charity that you were givingcharity to?” Lee asks, incredulous.

“Charity starts at home, Lee,” Jodi says defiantly,perfectly content to stand behind her own bullshit, especially now that’s itbeen proven to be true. Then she steps down off the stair and approaches him,her voice softer. “Lee, you treat yourself to plenty of extravagances becauseyou have the money.” She points out the window to the Porsche parked in thedriveway. “But…I don’t have an income. So, the fundamental question is, how amI ever supposed to treat myself to nice things if I don’t have the cash withwhich to indulge?”

Lee looks down at the face of his beautiful, slightlycorrupt wife and rolls his eyes. “Pushke or not, maybe it really is time yougot a job, Jo.”

“Just a little one, like part-time? Something fun andfab?” Jodi asks, her eyelids batting playfully.

I’ve got to hand it to Jodi. She has just managed todeftly sidestep a potentially explosive argument by claiming some sanctioned,family legacy of deceit. Plus, she secured the okay to work part-time, allwhile making it look like it was Lee’s idea.

“Knock yourself out,” Lee says. Then he kisses her on theforehead and scans the crowd, sighing deeply. “Where’s my buddy Jim?” Spottinghis friend in the dining room, Lee waves him over and pulls him close. “Comeoutside with me? I need to smoke a doobie.”

Jimmy fishes for something in his pocket and nods as theyhead out the door.

“I’ve got to take some notes on this,” Kat says, shakingher head disbelievingly. “So that in my next life I can come back as Jodi.”

“I don’t know,” I say, looking out the window to whereDoug is emerging