Mister West by R.J. Lewis (animal farm read .TXT) 📕

lets go of my arm and I continue shoving things inside the suitcase Ana got me. She doesn’t try talking me out of it anymore. This is the right thing to do. I know it.

Loving someone who is emotionally unavailable to you is more than just heartbreaking; it means spiritually dying a slow death. That’s what I’m doing to him right now. I need to give Aidan some space to recover himself.

And I need to find ways to heal. To explore myself and dig deep and find out why the fuck my default response is to numb myself.

We load what we can physically carry into Ana’s car and then we go to her apartment. I feel that numbness the entire way. I want to feel it and I shouldn't. Her sister’s been gone, so I use the spare bedroom. I throw the suitcase down on the ground and sit on the single bed.

Being here, away from Aidan’s place, feels awful. I pull my phone out and send the dreaded message I’ve been putting off all day.

Ivy: Aidan, I’ve packed everything and have gone to Ana’s. I’m sorry to leave like this. I know it seems impulsive, but I hate seeing you hurt and knowing I’m responsible for it. You’re right. I jumped into this and I convinced you to open up to me, to let go of your reservations and fall into this with me. For that, I’m sorry. I did believe I was ready to do this with you, but I was wrong, and now I have to live with that mistake. I understand if you don’t want to wait for me on the other side. I don’t know how long it’s going to be before I am okay again. Please give me space. I care about you – I love you, Aidan.

I put the phone down. I’m shaking everywhere. I wonder how long it’ll be until he sees the message. I don’t want to cause him grief at work, but I couldn’t do this in person. He might have convinced me to stay.

“You okay?” Ana asks me, poking her head into the room.

My eyes water. I shake my head. “I feel awful, Ana. I’m so fucked up.”

She comes into the room and takes a seat next to me. “You are not fucked up, Ivy. You’re just figuring yourself out.”

“At the expense of breaking that man’s heart.”

“First of all, this doesn’t mean you guys are over. It just means you need space. I think he’ll respect that.” She rubs my back, looking at me dotingly. “Ivy, you’ve been through hell and back. You do need some time alone to sort your head out. I wanted this for you long before Aidan fucking-too-hot-to-ignore West came onto the scene. I knew you had to dig deep and confront all the ugly memories and the pain. I promise you won’t regret the spiritual journey you’re about to go down. You’ll know when you’re ready when you come out on the other side.”

She brings me into her arms and holds me as I finally break down and cry.

“Let’s order some Chinese,” she says after I’ve had a good sob. “We’ll watch Princess Bride, too. It’ll get your mind off things.”

I nod and wipe away my tears. “I’m going to clean myself up.”

I go to the bathroom. Ana’s apartment is so small, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to be in such small spaces. But it’s cute. She’s decorated it beautifully and made it hers. She comforts me so much, and I find being in her space, surrounded by her touch, is equally as comforting.

I’m washing my face, feeling the cool water against my heated cheeks when I hear pounding coming from the front door. I immediately step out, and Ana is coming out of my room, too, eyes swinging to mine.

“Ivy!”

My shoulders drop. Aidan is at the door.

“Open up, Ivy,” he says, his voice sounding desperate.

I look at Ana, and she’s not moving. She watches me sadly as I move to the front door, take a deep breath, and open it.

Aidan’s pained face greets me. His chest is moving rapidly like he raced to come up.

“What the fuck is going on?” he snaps at me, looking over my face. “Ivy, I got your message, and I’m not agreeing to it –”

“Stop,” I interrupt, trying to calm him down. “Please, Aidan –”

“I want to talk. Invite me in.”

I step aside and he comes through, his body tight and angry. He has his phone in his hand, and the screen is lit. I can see my message to him on the front, and my heart dips lower in my chest.

He turns to me, towering over me. “I don’t agree to this,” he repeats before slamming the phone down hard on the entry table. “Your discard is not valid.”

Leave it to Aidan to make it sound like a business deal gone bad.

“It’s not a discard,” I tell him. “I just need time.”

He drops his head down to my level, looking at me nervously. “Are you leaving me, Ivy?”

“I’m not trying to leave you.”

“Then grab your shit and come back.”

“I can’t do that.”

His nostrils flare. “Why the fuck not?”

“I’m not ready to go back, Aidan. I just need time.”

He shakes his head. “This is your flight response. It’s not real.”

“But it is real,” I urge him. “I’m not running from myself anymore.”

He looks at me, his desperation growing. “I’ll give you your space. But you can do that at home with me. I won’t bother you –”

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to be around you, Aidan. Not yet. I want to do this the right way. I want us to work, but for that to happen I need to sort out the mess in my fucking head. I’m not here because I want to be. I’m here because I have to be.”

At first he looks like he’s about to resist. He opens his mouth, his face tense, but then he closes his mouth again.