A Room of Their Own by Rakefet Yarden (best summer reads of all time .TXT) 📕

know,” I tried to bore her in the hope that she’d leave me alone and get to the point.

“The usual what? We haven’t spoken for ages like this, just you and me. Care to divulge a bit of info?”

For ages? Try never, I thought to myself.

“I’ve got nothing to divulge, nothing new happening, and anyway, nothing interesting ever happens with me.” I was already impatient.

“Could it be that you’re seeing someone? I can tell,” she teased me.

What’s her deal? Why does she always have to beat around the bush with everything, and what precisely can she “tell” about me? I mean, she’s never been able to notice anything. Not about me, and not about anyone else. Not even about herself, I think. And where did she get the idea that I’m seeing someone? I’ve never seen anyone. If she had ever taken any interest in me, she’d know that it isn’t applicable. Actually, she never really had anyone either, I think to myself.

“Okay. Why did you want to get together?” I finally slice into the awkward silence.

“Why? What, can’t I just want to meet my sister?” She was playing coy and getting on my nerves.

“Come on, Tal. We never just meet like this. Even when we’re at Mom and Dad’s we hardly exchange more than three consecutive words. Did Dad send you? Tell me the truth.”

“Okay. All right. I just wanted to start everything on a lighter note. And anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship recently, and why we’re not very close. After all, I only have one sister,” she smiled and tried to soften the atmosphere. “And why would Dad send me? Stop thinking that he’s constantly hounding you. This is about me. I think that I’m getting kicked out of school.”

I was stunned. Speechless. “What? Why?”

“Or if I don’t get kicked out, then I’ll just drop out. And if I don’t drop out, then I’ll just take a break. But Dad’s going to kill me.”

All right, but what does she want with me, and why is she coming to me, of all people, I wondered. “What do you care about Dad? And why would they kick you out, or why do you want to drop out, or whatever? You’ve always been a really good student, haven’t you?”

“Yes, but that’s precisely it. Something within me has broken down. I’m not the same Tal you knew.”

“What do you mean?” I was confused.

“Well, ever since exams began − or maybe a little earlier than that, actually − maybe when I was still with Oded. I don’t know. Anyway, I get these weird fits. During the day and at night, too. I’ve already done lots of medical tests, EKG, blood pressure. I even went to see a cardiologist whose department I’d worked in once.” She paused for a minute, and it seemed that her eyes were welling up. I was shocked.

“Well, so what did he say? Why are you having these fits?”

“He and Dr. Shiloh both said that it’s an emotional thing. That it sounds like a panic attack. I’d studied about it, and I even went to a lecture on the subject when we had rounds in a psychiatric ward. There’s no way that that’s why I’m having fits. I’m not crazy.”

She paused, about to keep going, but suddenly looked up at me. “Have you ever had anything like that? It’s silly, but I thought that maybe because we’re sisters, or maybe because of what you’d undergone. . . ” she said, embarrassed. “Maybe it’s happened to you too, or still does? It’s terrible. I can’t sleep, can’t study. . .”

The waiter interrupted us. “Hi. Would you like to order?”

“We haven’t decided yet. We’ll call you when we’re ready,” I quickly answered him.

I gestured for her to continue. I thought about Rotem Golan. Wondered what she’d have to say about all of this. I also thought about the nightmares I’ve had been having. For years now. There are certain times when I can’t sleep at all, can’t read, can’t get up for work in the morning and am therefore “unable to keep a steady job,” as Dad puts it. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing all that with her. I didn’t entirely believe her, or trust her. What could I even do to help her? Why was she coming to me? We’re so different. And I can hardly help my own self. What can I possibly tell her?

I was swamped by confusing questions. I felt overwhelmed, just like Rotem had said earlier that day. And I felt that I wasn’t able to hear her any more. I felt my mind wandering to other places. Far away. I looked into her big blue eyes. They were talking, moist and sad, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. And this force, this steel shield suddenly began melting in front of my very eyes.

Tal finished talking and was waiting for me to answer her, and I just sat there, not saying a word. What could I possibly say? I didn’t even hear the second part of her story. I was too invested in my own thoughts. Just meaningless memories, and yet I still couldn’t manage to listen to her. I couldn’t be there for her. It suddenly dawned on me. This was the first time ever that Tal was asking me to be there for her, listen to her, even help her. And I simply couldn’t do it. I felt ashamed. Ashamed. And full of guilt.

I left the get-together with a heavy heart, because of its content as well as the way it ended. Tal felt insulted and attacked me with blame, which I couldn’t really hear, but that I assumed from the way she looked at me and how quickly and loudly she spoke. I could understand her anger, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was like a fish in an aquarium, fighting with another fish in an adjacent aquarium, but unable to physically go there or