The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

the world in support of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon sash-windows and chamberpots, at the time supposed,⁠—and it is this.

⸺⁠That, in order to render the Tristra-pædia complete,⁠—I wrote the chapter myself.

XXVII

My father put on his spectacles⁠—looked,⁠—took them off,⁠—put them into the case⁠—all in less than a statutable minute; and without opening his lips, turned about and walked precipitately downstairs: my mother imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him return with a couple of folios under his arm, and Obadiah following him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted ’twas an herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might consult upon the case at his ease.

⸺⁠If it be but right done,⁠—said my father, turning to the Section⁠—de sede vel subjecto circumcisionis,⁠⸺⁠for he had brought up Spenser de Legibus Hebræorum Ritualibus⁠—and Maimonides, in order to confront and examine us altogether.⁠—

⸺⁠If it be but right done, quoth he:⁠—only tell us, cried my mother, interrupting him, what herbs?⁠⸺⁠For that, replied my father, you must send for Dr. Slop.

My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as follows,

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ⸻Very well,⁠—said my father, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *⁠—nay, if it has that convenience⁠⸺⁠and so without stopping a moment to settle it first in his mind, whether the Jews had it from the Egyptians, or the Egyptians from the Jews,⁠—he rose up, and rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the palm of his hand, in the manner we rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has trod lighter upon us than we foreboded,⁠—he shut the book, and walked downstairs.⁠—Nay, said he, mentioning the name of a different great nation upon every step as he set his foot upon it⁠—if the Egyptians,⁠—the Syrians,⁠—the Phoenicians,⁠—the Arabians,⁠—the Cappadocians,⁠⸺⁠if the Colchi, and Troglodytes did it⁠⸺⁠if Solon and Pythagoras submitted,⁠—what is Tristram?⁠⸺⁠Who am I, that I should fret or fume one moment about the matter?

XXVIII

Dear Yorick, said my father, smiling (for Yorick had broke his rank with my uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stepped first into the parlour)⁠—this Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites.⁠—Never was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.⁠—But he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick.⁠—There has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.⁠—That, you are a better judge of than I, replied Yorick.⁠—Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:⁠—the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,⁠—or the opposite of their ascendants have not hit it, as they should,⁠—or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep,⁠—or something has been wrong above, or below with us.

’Tis possible, answered Yorick.⁠—But is the child, cried my uncle Toby, the worse?⁠—The Troglodytes say not, replied my father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell us⁠—Theologically? said Yorick,⁠—or speaking after the manner of apothecaries?23⁠—statesmen?24⁠—or washerwomen?25

⸺⁠I’m not sure, replied my father,⁠—but they tell us, brother Toby, he’s the better for it.⁠⸺⁠Provided, said Yorick, you travel him into Egypt.⁠⸺⁠Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.⁠⸺⁠

Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabick to me.⁠⸺⁠I wish, said Yorick, ’twas so, to half the world.

⸺⁠Ilus,26 continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning.⁠—Not without a court martial? cried my uncle Toby.⁠⸺⁠Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle Toby’s remark, but turning to Yorick,⁠—are greatly divided still who Ilus was;⁠—some say Saturn;⁠—some the Supreme Being;⁠—others, no more than a brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco.⁠⸺⁠Let him be who he will, said my uncle Toby, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.

The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it:⁠—others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shown the world the futility of the greatest part of them.⁠—But then again, our best polemic divines⁠—I wish there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the kingdom;⁠—one ounce of practical divinity⁠—is worth a painted shipload of all their reverences have imported these fifty years.⁠—Pray, Mr. Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby,⁠—do tell me what a polemic divine is?⁠⸺⁠The best description, captain Shandy, I have ever read, is of a couple of ’em, replied Yorick, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I have in my pocket.⁠⸺⁠I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby earnestly.⁠—You shall, said Yorick.⁠—And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,⁠—and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper,⁠—I beg, brother, you’ll give him leave to come in.⁠—With all my soul, said my father.⁠⸺⁠Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.

XXIX

⸺“which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there, divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room for the assailant: all this did Gymnast very well remark and consider; and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the