There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink but in tears, not in pleasure but in passion, not in words only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.
Prince
What manner of man, an it like your majesty?
Falstaff
A goodly portly man, iโ faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, byโr lady, inclining to three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then, peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?
Prince
Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and Iโll play my father.
Falstaff
Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulterโs hare.
Prince
Well, here I am set.
Falstaff
And here I stand: judge, my masters.
Prince
Now, Harry, whence come you?
Falstaff
My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
Prince
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
Falstaff
โSblood, my lord, they are false: nay, Iโll tickle ye for a young prince, iโ faith.
Prince
Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth neโer look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?
Falstaff
I would your grace would take me with you: whom means your grace?
Prince
That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
Falstaff
My lord, the man I know.
Prince
I know thou dost.
Falstaff
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself, were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaohโs lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harryโs company, banish not him thy Harryโs company: banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
Prince
I do, I will.
A knocking heard. Exeunt Hostess, Francis, and Bardolph.
Re-enter
Bardolph, running.
Bardolph
O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door.
Falstaff
Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Re-enter the
Hostess.
Hostess
O Jesu, my lord, my lord!
Prince
Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a fiddlestick: whatโs the matter?
Hostess
The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
Falstaff
Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad, without seeming so.
Prince
And thou a natural coward, without instinct.
Falstaff
I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.
Prince
Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience.
Falstaff
Both which I have had: but their date is out, and therefore Iโll hide me.
Prince
Call in the sheriff.
Exeunt all except the Prince and Peto.
Enter
Sheriff and the
Carrier.
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
Sheriff
First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath followโd certain men unto this house.
Prince
What men?
Sheriff
One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
A gross fat man.
Carrier
As fat as butter.
Prince
The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employโd him.
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.
Sheriff
I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
Prince
It may be so: if he have robbโd these men,
He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
Sheriff
Good night, my noble lord.
Prince
I think it is good morrow, is it not?
Sheriff
Indeed, my lord, I think it be two oโclock.
Exeunt Sheriff and Carrier.
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