The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (children's ebooks free online txt) 📕

casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor’s lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus. Emotion

A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

Encomiast

A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

End

The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor.

The man was perishing apace
Who played the tambourine:
The seal of death was on his face⁠—
’Twas pallid, for ’twas clean.

“This is the end,” the sick man said
In faint and failing tones.
A moment later he was dead,
And Tambourine was Bones.

—⁠Tinley Roquot Enough

All there is in the world if you like it.

Enough is as good as a feast⁠—for that matter
Enougher’s as good as a feast for the platter.

—⁠Arbely C. Strunk Entertainment

Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection.

Enthusiasm

A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it “entuzy-muzy,” had a relapse, which carried him off⁠—to Missolonghi.

Envelope

The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

Envy

Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

Epaulet

An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy⁠—that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give promotion.

Epicure

An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification of the senses.

Epigram

A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterized by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

There are three sexes; males, females and girls.

Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both his.

Epitaph

An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it;
Let that be said⁠—and God forgive it!

Erudition

Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

So wide his erudition’s mighty span,
He knew Creation’s origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief⁠—
He thought, poor man, ’twas right to be a thief.

—⁠Romach Pute Esoteric

Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophies were of two kinds⁠—exoteric, those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time.

Ethnology

The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

Eucharist

A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.

A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

Eulogy

Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Evangelist

A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

Everlasting

Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of the Word “Everlasting,” as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

Exception

A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, “Exceptio probat regulam” means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.

Excess

In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.

Hail, high Excess⁠—especially in wine,
To thee in worship do I bend the knee
Who preach abstemiousness unto me⁠—
My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
Could ne’er persuade so sweetly to agree
With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine.
At thy command eschewing pleasure’s cup,
With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
When on thy stool of penitence I sit
I’m quite converted, for I can’t get up.
Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
To make new sacrifices at thine altar!

Excommunication

This “excommunication” is a word
In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal⁠—
A rite permitting Satan to