Emma by Jane Austen (free ereaders txt) 📕

two⁠—compared them, as they had always stood in her estimation, from the time of the latter’s becoming known to her⁠—and as they must at any time have been compared by her, had it⁠—oh! had it, by any blessed felicity, occurred to her, to institute the comparison.⁠—She saw that there never had been a time when she did not consider Mr. Knightley as infinitely the superior, or when his regard for her had not been infinitely the most dear. She saw, that in persuading herself, in fancying, in acting to the contrary, she had been entirely under a delusion, totally ignorant of her own heart⁠—and, in short, that she had never really cared for Frank Churchill at all!

This was the conclusion of the first series of reflection. This was the knowledge of herself, on the first question of inquiry, which she reached; and without being long in reaching it.⁠—She was most sorrowfully indignant; ashamed of every sensation but the one revealed to her⁠—her affection for Mr. Knightley.⁠—Every other part of her mind was disgusting.

With insufferable vanity had she believed herself in the secret of everybody’s feelings; with unpardonable arrogance proposed to arrange everybody’s destiny. She was proved to have been universally mistaken; and she had not quite done nothing⁠—for she had done mischief. She had brought evil on Harriet, on herself, and she too much feared, on Mr. Knightley.⁠—Were this most unequal of all connections to take place, on her must rest all the reproach of having given it a beginning; for his attachment, she must believe to be produced only by a consciousness of Harriet’s;⁠—and even were this not the case, he would never have known Harriet at all but for her folly.

Mr. Knightley and Harriet Smith!⁠—It was a union to distance every wonder of the kind.⁠—The attachment of Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax became commonplace, threadbare, stale in the comparison, exciting no surprise, presenting no disparity, affording nothing to be said or thought.⁠—Mr. Knightley and Harriet Smith!⁠—Such an elevation on her side! Such a debasement on his! It was horrible to Emma to think how it must sink him in the general opinion, to foresee the smiles, the sneers, the merriment it would prompt at his expense; the mortification and disdain of his brother, the thousand inconveniences to himself.⁠—Could it be?⁠—No; it was impossible. And yet it was far, very far, from impossible.⁠—Was it a new circumstance for a man of first-rate abilities to be captivated by very inferior powers? Was it new for one, perhaps too busy to seek, to be the prize of a girl who would seek him?⁠—Was it new for anything in this world to be unequal, inconsistent, incongruous⁠—or for chance and circumstance (as second causes) to direct the human fate?

Oh! had she never brought Harriet forward! Had she left her where she ought, and where he had told her she ought!⁠—Had she not, with a folly which no tongue could express, prevented her marrying the unexceptionable young man who would have made her happy and respectable in the line of life to which she ought to belong⁠—all would have been safe; none of this dreadful sequel would have been.

How Harriet could ever have had the presumption to raise her thoughts to Mr. Knightley!⁠—How she could dare to fancy herself the chosen of such a man till actually assured of it!⁠—But Harriet was less humble, had fewer scruples than formerly.⁠—Her inferiority, whether of mind or situation, seemed little felt.⁠—She had seemed more sensible of Mr. Elton’s being to stoop in marrying her, than she now seemed of Mr. Knightley’s.⁠—Alas! was not that her own doing too? Who had been at pains to give Harriet notions of self-consequence but herself?⁠—Who but herself had taught her, that she was to elevate herself if possible, and that her claims were great to a high worldly establishment?⁠—If Harriet, from being humble, were grown vain, it was her doing too.

XLVIII

Till now that she was threatened with its loss, Emma had never known how much of her happiness depended on being first with Mr. Knightley, first in interest and affection.⁠—Satisfied that it was so, and feeling it her due, she had enjoyed it without reflection; and only in the dread of being supplanted, found how inexpressibly important it had been.⁠—Long, very long, she felt she had been first; for, having no female connections of his own, there had been only Isabella whose claims could be compared with hers, and she had always known exactly how far he loved and esteemed Isabella. She had herself been first with him for many years past. She had not deserved it; she had often been negligent or perverse, slighting his advice, or even wilfully opposing him, insensible of half his merits, and quarrelling with him because he would not acknowledge her false and insolent estimate of her own⁠—but still, from family attachment and habit, and thorough excellence of mind, he had loved her, and watched over her from a girl, with an endeavour to improve her, and an anxiety for her doing right, which no other creature had at all shared. In spite of all her faults, she knew she was dear to him; might she not say, very dear?⁠—When the suggestions of hope, however, which must follow here, presented themselves, she could not presume to indulge them. Harriet Smith might think herself not unworthy of being peculiarly, exclusively, passionately loved by Mr. Knightley. She could not. She could not flatter herself with any idea of blindness in his attachment to her. She had received a very recent proof of its impartiality.⁠—How shocked had he been by her behaviour to Miss Bates! How directly, how strongly had he expressed himself to her on the subject!⁠—Not too strongly for the offence⁠—but far, far too strongly to issue from any feeling softer than upright justice and clear-sighted goodwill.⁠—She had no hope, nothing to deserve the name of hope, that he could have that sort of affection for herself which was now in question; but there was a hope (at times a