The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

one good stroke, a good flint and steel could strike into the tail of it.⁠⸺⁠Think ye not that in striking these in,⁠—he might, peradventure, strike something out? as sure as a gun.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠But this project, by the by.

The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing his to perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his cannon, with charging them to the top with tobacco,⁠—he went with contentment to bed.

XXVII

The corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle Toby, in order to fix his apparatus, and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle Toby came.

He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close up together in front of my uncle Toby’s sentry-box, leaving only an interval of about a yard and a half betwixt the three, on the right and left, for the convenience of charging, etc.⁠—and the sake possibly of two batteries, which he might think double the honour of one.

In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his post:⁠⸺⁠He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand,⁠—and the ebony pipe tipp’d with silver, which appertained to the battery on the left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the other⁠⸺⁠and with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, was the corporal with his Montero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against the counter-guard, which faced the counter-scarp, where the attack was to be made that morning. His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a single puff or two;⁠—but the pleasure of the puffs, as well as the puffing, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my uncle Toby joined him.

’Twas well for my father, that my uncle Toby had not his will to make that day.

XXVIII

My uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out of the corporal’s hand,⁠—looked at it for half a minute, and returned it.

In less than two minutes, my uncle Toby took the pipe from the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth⁠⸺⁠then hastily gave it back a second time.

The corporal redoubled the attack,⁠⸺⁠my uncle Toby smiled,⁠⸺⁠then looked grave,⁠⸺⁠then smiled for a moment,⁠⸺⁠then looked serious for a long time;⁠⸺⁠Give me hold of the ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠my uncle Toby put it to his lips,⁠⸺⁠drew it back directly,⁠—gave a peep over the hornbeam hedge;⁠⸺⁠never did my uncle Toby’s mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.⁠⸺⁠My uncle Toby retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.⁠⸻

⸺⁠Dear uncle Toby! don’t go into the sentry-box with the pipe,⁠—there’s no trusting a man’s self with such a thing in such a corner.

XXIX

I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle Toby’s ordnance behind the scenes,⁠⸺⁠to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way;⁠⸺⁠that done, my dear friend Garrick, we’ll snuff the candles bright,⁠—sweep the stage with a new broom,⁠—draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be akin to love,⁠—and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle Toby in these, to trace these family likenesses betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your heart’s content.

Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kind⁠—and thou puzzlest us in every one.

There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you can⁠—you can have no conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman;⁠⸺⁠and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you (when a siege was out of his head), that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle Toby ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose.

With all this, Madam,⁠—and what confounded everything as much on the other hand, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and which, by the by, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that you might as soon⁠⸺⁠But where am I going? these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.

XXX

Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the sting of love was,⁠—(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards)⁠—the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their names⁠—recollect them I cannot⁠—so be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.⁠⸻

There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Dardanus, and Pontus, and Asius,⁠⸺⁠to say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the XII, whom the Countess of K***** herself could make nothing of.⁠⸺⁠There was Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Polixenes, and Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom (except Cappadocius and Pontus, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the goddess⁠⸺⁠The truth is, they had all of