Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

We hadn't been in Arkansas long when Jerry decided his job opportunities in Oklahoma were better. So, we moved AGAIN.

What I didn't realize then (because you know, hindsight is 20/20), was this was a way to alienate me from my family and lifelong friends.

He controlled ALL the money (yes, even my work earnings) but I didn't think this was wrong, I thought it was him being the leader of the family. But as time went on I had to nearly beg him to get things I needed, like bras and panties. There was always money for his beer though.

That began to eat at me.

Over the course of our marriage, our bills were never paid on time, and we were always behind on everything. We moved countless times because he would get behind and we'd get evicted. We went without electric, gas, water. But there was always beer. And it was always someone else's fault. I began to make excuses for him to my friends and family.

I had a good job with the City of Norman and Jerry had a good job with a local construction company building cabinets.  There was no reason we should be this behind.

I recall one of the first times we went to his supervisor's (and friend) house to play cards. We had kids the same age and Jerry thought I would enjoy meeting them.

I truly did (and still have a lifelong friend as a result) but I had BEGGED him to not drink too much, to please behave. He didn't. And I was so embarrassed. I mean, this was HIS BOSS. Didn't matter that they were all drinking, you had to maintain because we needed that job!

Our girls were playing and having fun and I distinctly recall pulling him aside and crying telling him I wanted a divorce in one of the bedrooms. So upset that I had scratched my own face in sheer agony over this situation.

His response, "You stupid f*&NG bitch". Then walked back into the room and acted like nothing had happened. As I was expected to do too. His boss’s wife allowed me to feel whatever I was feeling right then and reassured me that it was okay, (no harm, no foul) which helped then. But everything was NOT okay. None of this was okay.

But I too acted like it hadn't happened; and I began to think it was me that was the crazy one.

Chapter 16

There’s Always a Reason

I remember, holidays were often the hardest time for me.

There was always a reason for Jerry to drink. He had a hard day, it was the weekend, but to me, the worst, was "It's Christmas"!

Often he drank MORE on the holidays celebrating the season.

I learned that at first, he was more festive, but as the day wore on, he would start getting mouthy. I always tried to keep the peace and I ALWAYS made excuses for him to my family when we were gathered for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Many times, he barely ate any of the wonderful food. I would make him a plate and encourage him, but I'd end up getting "the look". Which meant, "Stop now". So, I did; but I remember always being so tense, always wondering how he was going to act.  Wishing I could just relax and enjoy the moment.

Eventually, I ran out of excuses and I didn't want to be embarrassed anymore in front of my family, so we just quit going altogether.

There was always an excuse for that too. The car wasn't in great shape, we didn't have gas money (although my sister would ALWAYS give me gas money); one of us wasn't feeling well. And it was always MY place to figure out how to tell them.

More often than not, after I got off the phone with them, I would cry because I missed them so much and I wanted to be with them so badly.  Jerry would sometimes be comforting, with words that made me think he was right, we really couldn’t afford to go.  But many times, he would made snide remarks about my being a baby.  “Look at you, you’re a grown-ass woman, crying, like a baby, because you can’t see your sissy.”  “What a wuss.”  “I didn’t know I married a wuss.” I learned to suck it up then and allow myself to cry in the bathroom or the bathtub where he couldn’t see me to make fun of me.

I'm so grateful Paige remembers the early years of going and being around family and how special that is. We try VERY hard to NOT miss it now, although this year, COVID kept us apart.

We lived in Oklahoma, but rarely saw his family 40 miles away.  It just wasn’t a thing for him.  And I had to remind him every Sunday to call his mother. Telling him she was not going to be around forever, trying to make him understand the importance of family.

Sometimes when I was persistent, it ended in an argument.

When we did go to visit, he would either take or buy some beer.  Not as much as what he would normally have, and when the 6 pack was gone, it was time to go home.

Funerals were when we saw his extended family.

Chapter 17

Journal Excerpts

*These next few pages are from my journal entries that led me to write this book*

November 15, 2020

I'm not sure why, but I was led to write this down today. In three days, we'll be at the anniversary of the day Jerry went into the hospital, so I'm sure that plays a part.

Here’s what I thought.

I thought for sure he’d be admitted to the hospital. I KNEW he was sick and needed medical intervention to recover. I was fully prepared for that and I made sure