Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

scare me, I thought something MUST be wrong with him. He could have a conversation with you, eyes open, and NEVER remember it. I often tried to get information from him during these "talks". LOL

Anyway, we were young, and I was pregnant (so we were living with my mom) and I could not find him ANYWHERE in the house. I was tiptoeing around whispering "Jerry?" "Where are you?". I looked everywhere, even outside before I woke my mom. I was actually kind of worried he had wandered off and was sleepwalking somewhere in the mobile home park.

Mom and I were both looking for him, calling out for him. Nothing. After about 15 minutes I hear him. Whispering (loudly) out to me from the front room. So, I go in there. "Jerry?" "Jerry!" "Answer me, where are you?"

Who remembers console stereos? You know, the kind with the record player and 8 track tape player in the big, long, cabinet?

Mom had ours catty corner in the front room and he was BUTT NAKED (his preferred sleeping attire, sorry TMI) BEHIND the console. Asking me, "Why am I here? Where are my clothes?"

I couldn't help but laugh at him but was also so relieved to have found him. My heart was racing with worry, but now I was crying laughing. Mom got a good kick out of it too. I told her as I was going to our bedroom to grab his robe.

He was something that's for sure.

November 25, 2020

Today is the day. The 6th anniversary of Jerry's passing.

I've heard it said (and read it) that often new beginnings start with a painful ending. Well, isn't that the truth?

So thankful that God is so clearly in charge and always has been. Love your peeps, they aren't here forever. And for goodness sakes, be kind to one another, ALL one another’s.

December 2, 2020

When I first met Jerry, he made me feel so incredibly beautiful and special.

As I look back, in retrospect, his attention made me feel accepted, loved. Not because of anything he said.

He never even proposed to me, but just told me we were getting married and so we did.

I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant, then nearly died having Paige. Then my mom got sick and died within 11 months of her diagnosis.

I was on autopilot. Going through the motions of doing what was expected (or what I THOUGHT was expected) and trying to come to terms with it all.

My head was so wrapped up in all of it, that losing weight didn't seem like a priority to me. I wasn't a priority to me. If I'm being brutally honest, I wasn't a priority to my spouse either. His first priority was alcohol.

When I did try to eat better, make better choices, I often heard things like, "You can fix that for YOU, but I want our normal food, I don't need to diet."

Paige was in grade school then and I wanted her to make healthy choices too. She was a healthy, active, kid but took after me. He would deliberately sabotage us, bring home pizza, or cake. Then make under his breath comments about weight (mostly to me).

I tried so many diets but was not having any luck. I'd get some off, put it back on. And my self-esteem was lower than it ever had been.

We got a computer and AOL. BIG MISTAKE. BIG.

He would stay on that computer till all hours of the night, chatting in the chat rooms and drinking. At first, I thought it was all innocent fun because it was Nascar related and well, he LOVED Nascar.

I'm not sure what made me suspicious, gut instinct maybe? But I started watching when I could, without him knowing (otherwise that would result in a HUGE fight). I tried to reason with him that being in a social setting, drinking, talking to other people (mostly women) was no different than being in a bar. He disagreed.

This would go on for months. Me yelling, crying, begging him to limit his time on the computer. His niece was living with us at the time and I had confided in her about how upset I was. What I suspected. She had her online boyfriend send the computer a virus but didn't tell me.

It crashed the computer. And I helped him get it repaired not knowing she was trying to help.

In the meantime, a phone bill arrived (this was back when you paid for long distance) and it was CRAZY expensive. He tried to tell me it was work related and I wanted to believe him, so I let it go.

I would catch him outside on the phone and he'd tell me he was talking to one of his work buddies. I believed him. I think. Or was I pushing it back and wanting so desperately to believe him I fooled myself? Probably more that than true belief.

Until one day, I walked in and he had left his chat window open and he was asking the "room" where A (not real name) was. He had sent her a "wav" of a song, some sappy love song.

My heart dropped. I knew better than to rush out to confront him and when I did, he told me he was involved with her and that she was coming from California in the next week or so to spend the weekend with him. That he was unhappy.

My whole world crashed right then. I will never forget packing up mine and Paige's things that we would need for the next few days, calling my friend and asking to stay, and driving away.

I had no family in Oklahoma, and I was too ashamed to tell them he was cheating on me with someone he met online. Paige and I were literally alone. Precisely the way he