Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

shaking my head at MYSELF because with perspective I can see SO FREAKING clear, but then, then it was different. I was different.

Kenny listened to me when I confided in him. He tried to tell me that was was happening to me was abuse and I wouldn't hear it. Abused women look like they got the hell beat of them. Jerry only got physical during sex. I was definitely NOT abused. And I would shut him down if he brought it up again. (See that pattern, if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. The brains way of coping.)

It was about 6 months into our being back home when "eyes2diefor69" messaged him and asked if Paige and I had left for my sisters yet. How did she know I had a sister and went to visit? Who was she?

My birthday had been a few weeks before and our bartender, Pat asked me if I knew someone from Louisiana because they called the bar looking for Jerry. ON MY BIRTHDAY! I thought that strange then, but when I saw that message I started putting the pieces together. He was doing it again with some woman he met online.

I found a way to get his wallet after he had passed out one night soon after. Her screen name, along with her real name, E (I won’t use her legal name), her home phone number, work number, my SSN and Paige's SSN were right there.

Instead of confronting him, I called her. She confirmed everything I suspected and told me she was in love with him. I distinctly remember telling her, "Well, he's a functional alcoholic, who can't be faithful, I'm warning you up front."

And then I broke again.

This time, I was so angry. Mostly at myself for allowing him in again. For trusting him.

But this time, I divorced him. And Kenny helped me, and Paige get moved. Another friend sent us pizza the day we moved in, knowing how incredibly tired we would be. And yet again, my sister and brother in love, loved me through it.

The shame I felt was like a coat I couldn't get off. I wasn't the one who had cheated, but I felt the shame as if everyone in the world knew how stupid I was.

Kenny told me I was not stupid and that I deserved so much more than what I had gotten. I told him a line from the movie, "Hope Floats". "I got the best thing out of the relationship and she's sitting right there in the other room."

He let me cry in his arms and he continued to be a good friend to Paige and me.

Little did I know, he would teach me so much more about myself.

We had found this little house that we both just loved. The washer and dryer were in the kitchen, but I didn't care.  I felt peace there.  A peace I hadn’t felt in way too long. And Kenny would come hang out with us often.  We would make dinner and watch movies.

I had taken most of the things we would need.

I did leave Jerry with things so he wouldn't be totally without. And E came to live with him.  I hated her.  She represented all I wasn’t in my messed-up mind, but I tried to at least be civil.

Chapter 19

Surgeries

Years before this (and with a different doctor) I had looked into weight loss surgery. I knew my health wasn't great with my weight being what it was, and a part of me wanted to feel good about myself too. And I KNEW there was no way I was going to let Jerry and E get Paige, so in my mind it was easy.  I HAD to stay alive and I had to lose weight to stay alive and this was an option to seriously consider.  I was scared though and fearful of the what ifs.

In the meantime, Paige had to get her tonsils out. We fought repeated strep with her and the doctors FINALLY agreed that this would help.

Dottie and Paul came up to be at the hospital with us. Jerry came too. Thankfully he left E at home.

He brought me the crockpot I asked for. Strange how it had all come down to this. He's bringing me things we used when we were a family, handing them over to me like they mean nothing to him. WE mean nothing to him. Even talking to him was uncomfortable and strained, forced.

In her always amazing style, my sister remained friendly and civil (even though I'm pretty sure she wanted to throttle him).

Paige did fine and ate steak for dinner that night. A couple days later though, not so much. She freaked out when a HUGE scab sloughed off the back of her throat into the sink, BUT, she hasn't had strep since then and that's been a LONG time ago now.

Kenny checked in often, since he was a nurse of course he had to make sure Paige was doing okay.

The only thing I asked of Jerry was to not make a fool of me at the bar where we both went, and I worked there (running karaoke) on the weekends. That was the ONLY thing I asked of him.

I was on stage singing and they were in the back of the bar, sucking face big time. I was so humiliated. We were STILL married. (Of course, so was she, but she left her kids and husband to come be with mine).

I didn't drink then (I would more than make up for that later though) but I went behind the bar and THREW open the beer cooler, grabbed a Budweiser and marched myself down to where she was. (I was still behind the bar). I am not sure exactly what I said, but I'm pretty sure the words "whore", "homewrecker", and