Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

A wonderful friend from the City of Norman (where I worked) found me a lawyer pro bono and I realize now; he must’ve known how bad the situation was (He, my friend, the city attorney).

Since we were all making an effort to get along, I didn’t want to put Jerry in a financial hardship.  Never mind that I was still working multiple jobs and he was paying VERY little to help with Paige (if any).  So, when we went to court, I told the judge I wanted his child support reduced.  The look on my attorney’s face was FURY.  I thought he might throttle me right there in the courtroom.  Instead, he calmly asked the judge if could question Jerry.  The judge allowed it.

My attorney asked him where he worked, how much he made, where he lived.  Then he went in for the kill.

He asked Jerry how much his rent was.  Jerry’s response?  “It’s $1,000 a month, but my girlfriend pays it.”  The judge looked at Jerry and said, “Well, Mr. Smith, since it appears you don’t have to pay rent, you have plenty of money to pay the full state mandated amount of child support.”

But even then, he had managed to make me feel sorry for him and I fell for it.  Once again, putting himself first and his family last.  And once again he told me I should’ve fought harder for him.  Isn’t that something?

His child support came directly out of his check and his boss would cut me a check every month for the full amount.  It wasn’t a lot, but it certainly helped.

And we all continued to work on getting along.  I secretly hated it.  But I loved my daughter more, so I made it happen.

I waited tables after my 8-5 job, Jerry would pick Paige up when he got off work and take her to their house and I would pick her up when I got off from the restaurant.  It worked out okay, but I sure hated not being with her.  She was in middle school and that was a pivotal time in a young girl’s life.

Sometimes she’d go stay the night with them, and most of the time, she would take a friend with her because she didn’t want to be there alone with them.  She said they fought.  Secretly I was happy.  E deserved it in my mind.  Sometimes, I would stay with her and let her visit with her dad until we went home.

I was jealous.

Jealous of this beautiful home they had and how happy they seemed.  Why couldn’t he have provided this way for us?  What was wrong with me that he didn’t want to provide for us that way?

When I was alone, I often would sit and pick our lives and myself apart, trying to comprehend where I failed.

This served no purpose, but it was the way my mind worked.  The way I had been “trained” to see things.  If only I had lost weight, if only I would do this or that, if only I were prettier, if only I made more money, if only, if only.  Things would be different; he wouldn’t have had to find someone else.  He was right, even losing weight like I was, I was not the caliber of woman any good man would want. At least that’s what I thought.

I didn’t tell anyone that I was feeling this way.  Not even Kenny.  (He would have just told me I was being abused and I refused to believe that still).

There’s so much about me that I’m still coming to terms with through sharing this journey.  I still fight those thoughts.  That’s the viciousness of abuse.

Abuse changes you forever and it’s a constant battle to know your worth.

I have found that scriptural affirmations help me.  So, in my room there are many positive scriptures around me that keep me uplifted, remind me to whom I belong.  And then I have some set scripture that tell me what I need……

I am loved (Romans 5:8)

I am worthy (2 Corinthians 5:21)

I am appointed (Ephesians 2:10)

I got a panicked call from the kids (hers were there too) one night that they were fighting.  Something to the effect of Jerry had a knife and E had called the police.

I rushed over there.  Praying the whole time.  I was driving and keeping Paige on speaker phone so I could make sure the kids were okay.  The police were already there.  I explained who I was and that I was here to take the kids with me.  And then, I loaded ALL the kids up in my car (yes, hers included).

The police officer was trying to get Jerry to cooperate, but he was clearly drunk and annoyed.  I could hear them saying that if he didn’t sit down, they were going to take him to jail on public intox and obstruction.  E was crying and screaming in the house, talking to another officer.

I locked the kids in the car and got out.  I asked the officer if I could have a minute with Jerry.  I looked him square in the eyes and told him if he didn’t sit down, they were not joking.  They would take him to jail.  I asked him if he really wanted Paige to witness her dad being handcuffed and hauled off to jail.  He told me no.  Sternly, I told him he had to listen to me and sit his ass down now and keep his mouth shut until they asked him to speak.

He listened to me and sat down.  The officer thanked me and then I took the kids to my house.  I don’t remember what happened, but no one went to jail.

From that point on, Paige refused to go to her dads without me, so when she did go, I went with her.

Kenny remained