The Man Who Wasn't All There by David Handler (book recommendations website TXT) 📕

‘No, we did not,’ he said tonelessly. ‘It was returned to his house.’

‘Even though he’s been using it to harass people?’

‘Captain Rundle’s decision to make, not mine. The car is Austin’s property and Austin is—’

‘A Talmadge, I understand.’

He responded with tactful silence before he said, ‘You can relax and put this whole business behind you. There’s absolutely no way that Austin will bother you again. We’ve removed the trooper who was staked out at the foot of your driveway.’

I thanked him for letting me know and hung up, pleased that I could go back to thinking exclusively about my book instead of that fat little lunatic.

Lulu was parked in front of the refrigerator staring intently at it. She wanted an anchovy. I gave her one and realized that my own stomach was growling. It was nearly noon and I’d been up since dawn. I made myself a sandwich out of the Black Forest ham and Swiss cheese that Mr MacGowan had kindly laid in for me and poured myself a glass of milk.

I was just about to bite into my sandwich when I heard a car come speeding up the gravel drive and screech to a halt. Its door creaked open and slammed shut. I looked out of the kitchen window and standing there beside his rust-bucket Crown Vic cruiser was none other than Austin Talmadge wearing his make-believe uniform and waving his toy gun in the air. Sedated? Guess again. He was red-faced and wild-eyed. Tears streamed down his face, snot from his nose.

Lulu started barking at him from the mudroom door. She has a mighty big bark for someone with no legs. I shushed her.

‘MISS NASH?’ Austin hollered as he stood out there, choking back tears. ‘CAN I PLEASE TALK TO YOU? PLEASE, MISS NASH …?’

I opened the mudroom door, sandwich in hand, and started my way across the courtyard toward him with Lulu on my heel, a low growl coming from her throat. As I approached him I noticed that he was clean-shaven and smelled a whole lot better. His shirt and pants had been laundered.

‘You again.’ He wiped his eyes, sneering. ‘The ex-husband.’

‘What brings you by, Austin?’ I asked, munching on my sandwich. ‘Are you OK?’

‘No, I’m not OK!’ he erupted in response.

‘Come on inside and tell me about it. You hungry? Want a sandwich?’

‘Are you deaf or something? I need to talk to Miss Nash. She’s the only one who cares.’

‘Don’t you think Dr McKenna cares?’

His close-set eyes blazed at me. ‘Dr McKenna’s an evil bitch. She wants to chain me to a bed in a psycho ward somewhere.’

‘Why would she want do that?’

‘Because she does whatever Michael tells her to do. I hate her. And I need to talk to Miss Nash!’ Tears were streaming down his face again. ‘Can’t I please speak to her?’

‘I’m afraid she’s not here, Austin.’

‘Well, when’s she coming back?’

‘Not for several weeks. She’s in Budapest filming a remake of The Sun Also Rises by Mr Ernest Hemingway. Ever read it?’

He glowered at me. ‘When I was here before you made it sound like she was out running errands. You were bullshitting me.’

‘No, I wasn’t. I simply told you she wasn’t here. And she’s not.’

‘You’re a bullshit artist!’ he blustered angrily, pointing his toy gun at me. ‘A no-good bullshit artist!’

‘And here I thought we were getting along better.’

‘Not a chance. I don’t like you.’

‘I’m very sorry to hear that, Austin. I’m a pretty nice guy once you get to know me. Why don’t you come inside while I finish my lunch? You want some ice cream? It’s from Salem Farm.’

‘Miss Nash has to forgive me!’

‘Forgive you for what?’

He took a deep breath and let it out raggedly, lowering his eyes. ‘I … I just did something terrible.’

‘Well, come on in. Let’s talk about it.’

I headed back inside with Lulu following close behind me. Sat back down at the kitchen table and started in on the other half of my sandwich. After a long moment, a really long moment, Austin followed me inside, toy gun in hand, and stood there watching me eat as Lulu huddled at my feet with that same low growl coming from her throat. I took a gulp of milk, maintaining a calm exterior. I’ve worked with crazed celebs high on coke threatening to kill themselves, kill their loved ones, kill me. Austin was a whole new classification of crazy. I hadn’t a clue what he was capable of. But based on prior experience my best play, my only play, was to act as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

‘Have a seat, Austin. Sure you don’t want some ice cream? I’ve got rocky road.’

‘Will you shut up about the ice cream?’ he screamed at me. ‘Did you just say rocky road?’

I got the half-gallon container out of the freezer, a spoon from the drawer and put them on the table in front of one of the chairs. He sat, setting the gun on the table next to him. Pried open the ice cream, lowered his face to the container and started shoveling away like a piggish little boy.

I finished my sandwich and sat back in my chair, watching him. ‘Want to tell me what happened?’

‘Idiots thought they could keep me there,’ he said around a giant mouthful of ice cream.

‘Which particular idiots are we speaking of?’

‘Those soldier boys Michael hires to keep me away from him. When they got me home they stripped off my clothes and threw me in the shower,’ he said, continuing to work on the ice cream. ‘One of them, Joaquin, kept staring at my pecker. He’s hinted to me a bunch of times that he’d like to have sex with me. Guy’s a homo.’

‘And you?’

‘What about me?’

‘Are you gay yourself?’

‘You shut up about that!’ He turned bright red again. ‘I’m not gay! That’s why I need to see Miss Nash, don’t you get it?’

‘I’m afraid not. I still don’t know what’s happened, remember?’

‘Oh, right, right. You