A Damsel in Distress by P. G. Wodehouse (pocket ebook reader txt) 📕

chosen as a companion in his hour of darkness. Reggie was not soothing. He would insist on addressing him by his old Eton nickname of Boots which Percy detested. And all the way down he had been breaking out at intervals into ribald comments on the recent unfortunate occurrence which were very hard to bear.

He resumed this vein as they alighted and rang the bell.

“This,” said Reggie, “is rather like a bit out of a melodrama. Convict son totters up the steps of the old home and punches the bell. What awaits him beyond? Forgiveness? Or the raspberry? True, the white-haired butler who knew him as a child will sob on his neck, but what of the old dad? How will dad take the blot of the family escutcheon?”

Lord Belpher’s scowl deepened.

“It’s not a joking matter,” he said coldly.

“Great Heavens, I’m not joking. How could I have the heart to joke at a moment like this, when the friend of my youth has suddenly become a social leper?”

“I wish to goodness you would stop.”

“Do you think it is any pleasure to me to be seen about with a man who is now known in criminal circles as Percy, the Piccadilly Policeman-Puncher? I keep a brave face before the world, but inwardly I burn with shame and agony and whatnot.”

The great door of the castle swung open, revealing Keggs, the butler. He was a man of reverend years, portly and dignified, with a respectfully benevolent face that beamed gravely on the young master and Mr. Byng, as if their coming had filled his cup of pleasure. His light, slightly protruding eyes expressed reverential good will. He gave just that touch of cosy humanity to the scene which the hall with its half lights and massive furniture needed to make it perfect to the returned wanderer. He seemed to be intimating that this was a moment to which he had looked forward long, and that from now on quiet happiness would reign supreme. It is distressing to have to reveal the jarring fact that, in his hours of privacy when off duty, this apparently ideal servitor was so far from being a respecter of persons that he was accustomed to speak of Lord Belpher as “Percy,” and even as “His Nibs.” It was, indeed, an open secret among the upper servants at the castle, and a fact hinted at with awe among the lower, that Keggs was at heart a Socialist.

“Good evening, your lordship. Good evening, sir.”

Lord Belpher acknowledged the salutation with a grunt, but Reggie was more affable.

“How are you, Keggs? Now’s your time, if you’re going to do it.” He stepped a little to one side and indicated Lord Belpher’s crimson neck with an inviting gesture.

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

“Ah. You’d rather wait till you can do it a little more privately. Perhaps you’re right.”

The butler smiled indulgently. He did not understand what Reggie was talking about, but that did not worry him. He had long since come to the conclusion that Reggie was slightly mad, a theory supported by the latter’s valet, who was of the same opinion. Keggs did not dislike Reggie, but intellectually he considered him negligible.

“Send something to drink into the library, Keggs,” said Lord Belpher.

“Very good, your lordship.”

“A topping idea,” said Reggie. “I’ll just take the old car round to the garage, and then I’ll be with you.”

He climbed to the steering wheel, and started the engine. Lord Belpher proceeded to the library, while Keggs melted away through the green baize door at the end of the hall which divided the servants’ quarters from the rest of the house.

Reggie had hardly driven a dozen yards when he perceived his stepmother and Lord Marshmoreton coming towards him from the direction of the rose-garden. He drew up to greet them.

“Hullo, mater. What ho, uncle! Back again at the old homestead, what?”

Beneath Lady Caroline’s aristocratic front agitation seemed to lurk.

“Reggie, where is Percy?”

“Old Boots? I think he’s gone to the library. I just decanted him out of the car.”

Lady Caroline turned to her brother.

“Let us go to the library, John.”

“All right. All right. All right,” said Lord Marshmoreton irritably. Something appeared to have ruffled his calm.

Reggie drove on. As he was strolling back after putting the car away he met Maud.

“Hullo, Maud, dear old thing.”

“Why, hullo, Reggie. I was expecting you back last night.”

“Couldn’t get back last night. Had to stick in town and rally round old Boots. Couldn’t desert the old boy in his hour of trial.” Reggie chuckled amusedly. “ ‘Hour of trial,’ is rather good, what? What I mean to say is, that’s just what it was, don’t you know.”

“Why, what happened to Percy?”

“Do you mean to say you haven’t heard? Of course not. It wouldn’t have been in the morning papers. Why, Percy punched a policeman.”

“Percy did what?”

“Slugged a slop. Most dramatic thing. Sloshed him in the midriff. Absolutely. The cross marks the spot where the tragedy occurred.”

Maud caught her breath. Somehow, though she could not trace the connection, she felt that this extraordinary happening must be linked up with her escapade. Then her sense of humour got the better of apprehension. Her eyes twinkled delightedly.

“You don’t mean to say Percy did that?”

“Absolutely. The human tiger, and whatnot. Menace to Society and all that sort of thing. No holding him. For some unexplained reason the generous blood of the Belphers boiled over, and then⁠—zing. They jerked him off to Vine Street. Like the poem, don’t you know. ‘And poor old Percy walked between with gyves upon his wrists.’ And this morning, bright and early, the beak parted him from ten quid. You know, Maud, old thing, our duty stares us plainly in the eyeball. We’ve got to train old Boots down to a reasonable weight and spring him on the National Sporting Club. We’ve been letting a champion middleweight blush unseen under our very roof tree.”

Maud hesitated a moment.

“I suppose you don’t know,” she asked carelessly, “why he did it? I mean, did he tell you