Here Be Dragons - 1 by Sharon Penman (best inspirational books txt) 📕

cold, confused, afraid. "Llewelyn . . . are you angry with me?""No, not with you, breila."The endearment gave her little comfort; it was too obviously offered as a courtesy. Nor did his denial carry conviction. "You are angry," she said slowly, "and you were not angry ere we made love. Beloved . . . beloved, I do not understand. You cannot deny that you still want me, not now""Of course I still want you," Llewelyn said sharply. "Our problems did not take root in our bed." He was already dressed; moving to the 'able, he pulled the laver toward him, splashed cold water onto his face, and then gave an abrupt, mirthless laugh. A pity he'd not thought to do '"at sooner!He'd spoken the truth; he was angry with himself, not Joanna, and '^concerted by the realization of just how much he did still want her. In six weeks since her departure, he'd had few restful hours, no peace ^mmd.Night after night he found himself lying awake in the bed he'd atM .w'"1Joanna, thinking of his son, thinking of the youths hanged Co ° ^gham, thinking of his wifeJohn's daughter. And in time he'd lo h ° 3 c'ec'si°n, that if Joanna could not give him the answers he had e' !t would be better to end their marriage. To walk away from

406Joanna would be the most difficult act of his life, but he knew he could do it. However much it hurt, he could do it. But he could not send h into English exile against her will; he could never deny her the right / see their children. He'd sought to reassure her of that, promised sh could stay inWales, and now the full implications of that rash promi were all too clear to him. What would it be like to have her in Gwynedd to have her so tormentingly close at hand and yet no longer his?Joanna hastily drew her chemise over her head, followed him to th table. "What is it, then? Is it that you no longer trust me?"Surprisingly, he shook his head. "I do trust you, Joanna. You told me you'd never meant to betray me. As hurt and angry as I was, I think I believed you even then. I must have, else I'd never have permitted you to take Elen. I know you were not choosing between us when you sent John that warning. You wanted to save your father's life, but you also wanted to stop a war, a war you thought I'd lose. And you did, breila." His mouth softened. "I might quarrel with your methods, but I can hardly take issue with your results. The EnglishKing's banner does not fly over Gwynedd . . . because of you. And my son has had a two-month reprieve . . . again because of you.""You do not know how I've wanted to hear you say that, Llewelyn. But now you have, and it seems to count for naught. If you still trust me, what is it, then, that is keeping us apart? My love, I do not understand ..." And then it came to her, the only possible answer, and she caught his arm, moved so she could look into his face."Unless . . . unless you can no longer love John's daughter? My God, Llewelyn, is that it?""Yes ... it is," he admitted, and heard her indrawn breath, sharp as a blade."Joanna. Joanna, listen and try to understand. John is going to kill my son.I've had to face that. It is only a matter of time; sooner or later he will give a command and Gruffydd will be dragged out to an English gallows ... or worse. Gruffydd is going to die, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.Even if there were, I could not do it. I cannot buy Gruffydd's life withGwynedd's sovereignty. Twenty-eight hostages died at Nottingham because Icould not keep faith with John. I cannot bargain for Gruffydd over their dead bodies."His voice was quite even, tautly controlled. But Joanna saw what that control cost him, saw the way the tendons suddenly stood out in his throat, saw the toll these past weeks had taken in the newly chisele lines around his eyes, his mouth, and she was both awed and appaue by the strength of will that enabled him to forge such a resolve. There was nothing on God's earth that she would not have sacrifice" Davydd or Elen."For more than six years, Joanna, you have been torn between

407tween your love for John and your love for me. You've never been uie to give me all of your heart, never been able to pledge your loyalty3 me utterly and unreservedly. No, lass, I am not blaming you for that.nderstood, and I did my best to accept it. I taught myself to curb myOTIC, to leave much unsaid. But no more. We can never go back to the^ay jt was, Joanna.""I know that, Llewelyn, but..." Joanna's voice trailed off. This was the nightmare that had held her in Brewood. So often had she antici-ted this moment that it was as if they'd played out this scene before, if she'd always known the time would come when she'd be listening to him explain, kindly but implacably, why their marriage had to end."For all of our marriage you've defended John, offered excuses for his cruelties, blinded yourself to the unholy truth about him. But I can no longer indulge your love for this man. I'd learn to resent you, and in time I might even learn to hate you, breila. Rather than have it come to that, I'd sooner end the marriage now, whilst we can still salvage friendship from it.""But it does not have to be like that, Llewelyn. I would not defend John. How could I? My loyalties are no longer divided, I swear it."Never before had Llewelyn heard Joanna call John by his Christian name; it was always "my father" or "the King"