Harem Assassins : King Sekton's Harem Planet, Book 2: A Space Opera Harem Adventure by Baron Sord (mobi ebook reader .TXT) 📕

And that’s why Theia got the cover of Harem Assassins.

It’s all her fault.

Let me tell you, painting her picture was pure pleasure.

If you aren’t aware, I digitally paint my covers in Photoshop using a Wacom drawing tablet. Those of you in the know are aware that Wacom is pronounced “WAH-com” like the word “walk” or “wah” in “wah pedal.”

Except many people think it’s pronounced “WHACK-em.”

Like that game Whack-A-Mole.

Or whacking… things…

Whacking on, whacking off, your preference.

Which I did not do once while painting Theia naked.

Pronounce it however you want, the only thing I did was pant. I mean paint.

Ahem.

Like I was saying, as soon as I started imagining the parameters of Theia’s dutiful devotion to Tim, I was like, “Waaaaaiiiit a minute. Hold up. Stop the siege. Forget the pirates. What’s the story with this Captain Theia babe? And what exactly have she and Tim been doing the past two weeks joined at the hip?”

Not joined at the sides of their hips.

Joined at the fronts.

Again, ahem.

I subscribe to the philosophy that if the story I’m writing doesn’t surprise me, it won’t surprise you the reader.

And surprise this book did.

You’ve read the results.

You’ve also read that it wasn’t just Captain Theia who took me by surprise.

It was those 1,500 other dutiful and drop-dead gorgeous babes at the jungle outpost and their endless parade of V-cut cleavage everywhere Tim went. Colonel Sadys, First Lieutenant Mira, Corporal Syx, Assistant Horna, Major Akeso, Sergeant Imi, the Titillating Trio (Kuma, Aura, Iyse), and so many others.

At first, writing this book was like walking into a strip joint with no customers and no bouncers, but every hot stripper is at work dancing the stages, trolling the floor, hanging all over you, and they’re all there working that night just for you. No other man on the planet. Just. You. And the second you walk in the door of that planetary strip joint, they all cheer:

“Everything is free tonight, my king! And we do mean everything…”

At that point, I was like, “Pirate siege? What pirate siege? What about this siege of willing strippers ready to besiege my royal scepter?!”

I mean Tim Pittwell’s royal scepter.

Welcome to Harem Planet, where the wet and willing babes are as plentiful as the space opera action.

Except.

Ex-cept.

Except for Tim’s promise to Oia.

His skrucking promise.

Snivel.

Phew, what a mistake that was.

Like a chainsaw to the crotch.

VRAAAAWKK!

I didn’t know!

I swear!

It was Tim Pittwell’s fault!

Tim, buddy! What were you thinking when you promised Oia at the end of Book 1?!

Technically, what was I, Baron thinking?

I wasn’t.

I literally hadn’t thought it through. I was too focused on publishing Book 1 and waiting to see if anyone enjoyed it enough for me to write you a sequel.

Well, you did like it, and here we are at the end of Book 2.

I know, some of you are saying, “What about the harem, Baron?”

“What about that orgy Tim promised us?”

“Tim said!”

“No, Baron said! He’s the writer!”

“Yeah! Blame him!”

“Write some damn orgies, Baron!”

“Yeah! Tim said an orgy was forthcoming! I read it in chapter 32!”

“We all did!”

“Forth-come with an orgy already, Baron! Tim freaking earned it!”

Yeah, I admit it.

I, Baron, wrote Tim’s words about forthcoming orgies.

Guilty as charged.

Orgies forthcoming.

Not an orgy.

Orgies plural.

“So where are they, man?!”

Pfft. Don’t blame me Tim didn’t get his orgies yet.

Blame Theia.

And blame Tim.

He’s the one whose only super power is his unbreakable moral rectitude.

Or is it unbreakable erect-itude?

Both, really.

But that leaves you the reader blue in the face — and elsewhere — while grumbling to yourself, “You promised us, Baron. Tim promised us! Where’s our effing orgy!”

It’s coming.

With lots and lots of effing.

Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more, say no more.

With a name like Harem Planet, orgies seem obligatory, right?

I agree.

100%.

But story comes first, Tim comes second, and the retcon never comes.

Believe me, I considered retconning the ending of Book 1 as grounds for squeezing an orgy into Book 2, or at the very least some gratuitous promiscuity. But I didn’t like the idea of explaining away Tim’s promise to Oia at the end of Book 1 with some cheap excuse or flimsy justification.

And there was no way I’d have Tim blatantly break his promise to Oia with no regard for her feelings or her reasons.

Reasons.

We already know Tim’s word is iron clad. No, titanium clad. Or blue steel clad.

The last thing I wanted to do was go back and change the published ending of Book 1 so Oia never makes Tim promise her he’ll wait. That would be worse than retconning.

So I decided to work with what I had: Tim’s unbreakable promise to Oia.

He honored it.

We knew he would.

He’s Tim Pittwell.

He has moral super powers beyond those of mortal men.

We all would’ve caved to temptation in his shoes.

But he’s the nerdy superhero, not us.

Okay, I admit it. Tim almost broke under the strain, but he did “come” through on his promise in the end, thanks to a little unexpected help from those two Babes Ex Machina in the guise of Venus and Oia, the goddesses of sex and “reasons” respectively.

You’re welcome.

As for what Oia demanded at the end of Book 1 about Tim waiting two weeks before he “lay” with or “bed” any other Zalaxian women before her?

That’s exactly what he did.

I didn’t retcon shit.

Again, you’re welcome.

To you grumblers citing chapter and verse from the end of Book 1, I say:

“These aren’t the droids. you’re looking for.

“Move along.

“Move along!”

Unless you want a blaster bolt in your ass.

Because I know Star Wars stormtroopers personally. Trust me, they’ve got blasters.

Working blasters.

I’ve fired them myself.

Pew, pew, pew!

As they say, what happens in a Zalaxian jungle outpost recovery room on Harem Planet stays in said recovery room.

Not to worry. Tim will get his orgy at the story-appropriate time.

If you just can’t wait for an orgy, there’s always the internet.

I hear free porn is a thing now.

As for the pirate siege, Baron Crewd’s pirates will inevitably attack the outpost in force with a little help from Hade and his mutant pirate henchmen. We’ll get to see what those Spartax warriors