The Small House at Allington by Anthony Trollope (the kiss of deception read online txt) 📕

string be kept for use if Eames were not possible. Poor girl! in coming to this resolve she had not done so without agony. She had a heart, and with such power as it gave her, she loved John Eames. But the world had been hard to her; knocking her about hither and thither unmercifully; threatening, as it now threatened, to take from her what few good things she enjoyed. When a girl is so circumstanced she cannot afford to attend to her heart. She almost resolved not to see Eames on the present occasion, thinking that he might be made the more desperate by such refusal, and remembering also that Cradell was in the house and would know of it.

“He’s there awaiting, Miss Mealyer. Why don’t yer come down?” and Jemima plucked her young mistress by the arm.

“I am coming,” said Amelia. And with dignified steps she descended to the interview.

“Here she is, Mr. Heames,” said the girl. And then Johnny found himself alone with his ladylove.

“You have sent for me, Mr. Eames,” she said, giving her head a little toss, and turning her face away from him. “I was engaged upstairs, but I thought it uncivil not to come down to you as you sent for me so special.”

“Yes, Miss Roper, I did want to see you very particularly.”

“Oh, dear!” she exclaimed, and he understood fully that the exclamation referred to his having omitted the customary use of her Christian name.

“I saw your mother before dinner, and I told her that I am going away the day after tomorrow.”

“We all know about that;⁠—to the earl’s, of course!” And then there was another chuck of her head.

“And I told her also that I had made up my mind not to come back to Burton Crescent.”

“What! leave the house altogether!”

“Well; yes. A fellow must make a change sometimes, you know.”

“And where are you going, John?”

“That I don’t know as yet.”

“Tell me the truth, John; are you going to be married? Are you⁠—going⁠—to marry⁠—that young woman⁠—Mr. Crosbie’s leavings? I demand to have an answer at once. Are you going to marry her?”

He had determined very resolutely that nothing she might say should make him angry, but when she thus questioned him about “Crosbie’s leavings” he found it very difficult to keep his temper. “I have not come,” said he, “to speak to you about anyone but ourselves.”

“That put-off won’t do with me, sir. You are not to treat any girl you may please in that sort of way;⁠—oh, John!” Then she looked at him as though she did not know whether to fly at him and cover him with kisses, or to fly at him and tear his hair.

“I know I haven’t behaved quite as I should have done,” he began.

“Oh, John!” and she shook her head. “You mean, then, to tell me that you are going to marry her?”

“I mean to say nothing of the kind. I only mean to say that I am going away from Burton Crescent.”

“John Eames, I wonder what you think will come to you! Will you answer me this; have I had a promise from you⁠—a distinct promise, over and over again, or have I not?”

“I don’t know about a distinct promise⁠—”

“Well, well! I did think that you was a gentleman that would not go back from your word. I did think that. I did think that you would never put a young lady to the necessity of bringing forward her own letters to prove that she is not expecting more than she has a right! You don’t know! And that, after all that has been between us! John Eames!” And again it seemed to him as though she were about to fly.

“I tell you that I know I haven’t behaved well. What more can I say?”

“What more can you say? Oh, John! to ask me such a question! If you were a man you would know very well what more to say. But all you private secretaries are given to deceit, as the sparks fly upwards. However, I despise you⁠—I do, indeed. I despise you.”

“If you despise me, we might as well shake hands and part at once. I daresay that will be best. One doesn’t like to be despised, of course; but sometimes one can’t help it.” And then he put out his hand to her.

“And is this to be the end of all?” she said, taking it.

“Well, yes; I suppose so. You say I’m despised.”

“You shouldn’t take up a poor girl in that way for a sharp word⁠—not when she is suffering as I am made to suffer. If you only think of it⁠—think what I have been expecting!” And now Amelia began to cry, and to look as though she were going to fall into his arms.

“It is better to tell the truth,” he said; “isn’t it?”

“But it shouldn’t be the truth.”

“But it is the truth. I couldn’t do it. I should ruin myself and you too, and we should never be happy.”

“I should be happy⁠—very happy indeed.” At this moment the poor girl’s tears were unaffected, and her words were not artful. For a minute or two her heart⁠—her actual heart⁠—was allowed to prevail.

“It cannot be, Amelia. Will you not say goodbye?”

“Goodbye,” she said, leaning against him as she spoke.

“I do so hope you will be happy,” he said. And then, putting his arm round her waist, he kissed her; which he certainly ought not to have done.

When the interview was over, he escaped out into the crescent, and as he walked down through the squares⁠—Woburn Square, and Russell Square, and Bedford Square⁠—towards the heart of London, he felt himself elated almost to a state of triumph. He had got himself well out of his difficulties, and now he would be ready for his love-tale to Lily.

LII The First Visit to the Guestwick Bridge

When John Eames arrived at Guestwick Manor, he was first welcomed by Lady Julia. “My dear Mr. Eames,” she said, “I cannot tell you how