Missing the Big Picture by Donovan, Luke (great book club books txt) 📕

Thursday, April 12, 2001, it was Holy Thursday, the last day before our spring recess. I was so happy to have a break from school; for the past three weeks, I’d been hearing voices in my mind and had only one class period in which I felt that somebody wasn’t reading my mind. Since I’d begun to hear the voices, I’d had trouble concentrating in school and never talked to anybody, except Randy during seventh-period lunch, which we spent in the library. This day was also my mother’s birthday, but I got up in the morning and didn’t even say happy birthday to her—I was that engrossed in what was happening in my mind. I remember hearing Tyler’s voice at the end of the day say, “I’m a good son. I would never forget my mother’s birthday.”

I was able to spend my spring recess in peace; since up to that point I only heard the voices in school. I worked over the break at Friendly’s and spent some time hanging out with my cousins. I kept hoping that when I went back to school, everything would just be over. The funny thing was that for the past month, none of the boys that I felt I was communicating with were absent. On the other hand, I started making up excuses why I couldn’t go to school and was absent close to ten times in a three-month period. By spring break, Eric’s voice would tell me that everyone in school knew what I was thinking, and of course my thoughts were gay, and he was spreading gossip and lies about me. Eric always spread rumors about me, so it would make sense that his voice in my mind would tell me that as Eric did the same in real life. In my mind, and real life, Eric and Carmine did call me gay. I used the adolescent rumor mill to my advantage and said, “Carmine’s calling me gay, but he’s the one having anal sex.”

In my mind, I asked Eric why he was so mean to me when we were in school. He replied, “My friends idolize me; they would believe anything I said about you.” Regardless if this was real or not, Eric was David Koresh or Jim Jones to his friends. These were all masculine teenage boys, but they lacked enough confidence to think and act independently and to have healthier friendships with Eric. I remember once Eric actually injured Carmine in the hall when Eric ran up to him and said, “Give me a piggyback ride!” He then jumped on Carmine, hurting Carmine’s shoulder.

I returned to school from spring recess on April 23. In first period, I noticed that Gabe was late. I was praying to God and hoping that Gabe would be absent and that the voices in my mind had ended. About ten minutes into the class, Gabe took his seat and I heard his voice in my mind say, “I’m back.” On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of that week, I spent every period except lunch feeling as if I was communicating with one of my classmates. Eric’s and Carmine’s voices were telling me that everybody in the school knew, and that was why all the other students were laughing at me. I did notice some other kids laugh at me. Once when I was in gym, this tough, rugged hip-hop-savvy senior kept making jokes and trying to get me to steal a base when we were playing softball. I said to myself in my mind, “How does Rob know who I am?” Eric replied, “Everybody at school knows who you are now.”

On Wednesday, April 25, 2001, I went home from school and decided to relax on my couch. It was five o’clock when I began hearing Carmine’s voice. This was odd. I would hear Carmine’s voice every day in the hall but only when we were in the “range.” This time I wasn’t at school; I was at home. Now I felt like I was talking to Carmine through our minds when we were miles away from each other. Carmine told me that he was at work at a shoe store in Colonie. Eric worked at the same store, and Carmine said Eric would report to work at six. Before I knew it, at six o’clock, I felt like all three of us were communicating through our minds—Eric, Carmine, and myself. It just like three-way calling on the phone, but it was happening in my mind.

That night I just took the voices in stride. I later went to the gym, and I remember Eric’s voice telling me to go into the locker room for some strange reason. Then when I was lifting weights, I heard Eric ask Carmine, “I could lift that. Couldn’t you do that, too?” That night I went back to sleep around ten. So for six hours during the day and about five hours during the night, I felt that I was having telepathic conversations with my classmates. It totally preoccupied my mind. When this was happening, I looked like I was daydreaming and I couldn’t focus on anything. It was affecting my school life, and now it was affecting me at home. I still didn’t tell anybody that this was going on.

The next day, my mother woke me up since I had my physical for college. The first thing I remember hearing in my mind was Eric’s voice saying, “Luke, it’s 7:00 a.m. You should be getting ready for school.” I was ready and drove to my physician’s office, still hearing Eric’s and Carmine’s voices in my mind as I was driving. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office in a gown when I heard Eric’s voice say, “He’s going to feel your balls and make you cough.”

After my doctor’s appointment, I went home and tried to read a book but found that I couldn’t concentrate. That night, I had to work at Friendly’s. I had only been there a month