Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

And the old adage, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” played a big part in my drinking.  Maybe Jerry was right, just drink and you don’t have to think about things, or argue, or fight about drinking.

There was mold in our apartment from a leak near the fireplace.  They moved us temporarily next door while repairs were being made.  THAT is when I found out they knew before they ever rented us the apartment it was not ready.  The floor had a huge hole when the carpet was pulled up that allowed you to see clear into the downstairs unit and there was mold ALL INSIDE the walls.  I was livid.

I had little to no training, the new manager was a coke head and she threw me under the bus when rents weren’t entered correctly. I walked out.

But that lost us our apartment subsidy too and by now, Jerry was only working sporadically and mostly doing side jobs for a guy.   He had been fired from his previous carpentry job because he had a cooler in the back of his truck that had beer in it.

I don’t know for sure if he was drinking on the job, but at that time, I didn’t think he was.  And he had started complaining about breathing issues.  I was our main source of income.  And I just blew that out of the water.

We had 7 days to get out.  And we had absolutely nowhere to go.  We used what money we had and put all our stuff in a storage unit.

Paige went to stay with a friend for a few days and we finally broke down and asked our good friends if we could stay with them until we could find something.

They told us they’d have to think about it.  We were officially homeless.

Jerry had a job to do that day, so I had our Jeep (that was given to me by my sister because we had screwed up every other car we bought, or people helped us buy) loaded up with the cats and my personal hygiene items.  I had exactly .77 cents.  It was enough to get me one crispy taco at Taco Mayo.

I drove around the corner from Taco Mayo and stopped at a park to eat my taco.  Again, wondering what I had done to get myself here and what the hell we were going to do.  I could stay in the Jeep, but we didn’t have much gas and it was warm outside.  Keeping it running for the A/C was not an option, but if we had to be hot and sleep in the Jeep, we would.

Paige had a car by then (she called it the bucket) that we had bought for next to nothing for her.  It wasn’t great, but it got her from point A to point B and to college (she didn’t last long there though). So, I didn’t have to worry about getting her somewhere safe.  She could do that on her own and she did.

Later that night our friends said “okay”.  Not, “Of course, we’ve been friends for 20 years.” But “okay.”  If I had anywhere else to go, I would’ve, but we didn’t, so that’s where we went for about 3-4 weeks.  I tried to help out by cooking and cleaning, so my friend didn’t have to.  I followed the rules about using the washer and dryer.  I hung clothes on the clothesline (wish I still could, it was great!).  I didn’t want to be a burden, but I felt like a burden to everyone around me.

A burden and an idiot, and a failure.   As a friend, wife, mother.  That last one was the hardest for me.  I had tried so hard to keep it together for so long to show Paige that women can be capable and strong and here I was, homeless, depending on friends to help us out.

It was during that stay that I learned to apply for jobs on the OU website and I applied to tons of them.  I was determined to get out of there, and grateful when I landed one.

And Jerry found us a house.  It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t a car and it wasn’t a friend’s house where we felt we were imposing.  I still live here today.  In that same house.  Since 2007.  We moved by ourselves and that hurt me.  I felt like I had lost everything at that point.  And in all reality, I had lost it many years before.  But that abandonment issue came into play then.  I felt like my one of my only true friends have given up on me.  In my mind, I thought, “I must really not mean anything to anyone.”

We used Jerry’s little bitty Ford Ranger pickup and made countless trips to and from the storage unit to get our stuff moved.  And I think it permanently damaged our friendship.  Not scrapped it but damaged for sure.

I felt like I had no one to share my secrets with, no one to talk about how to fix up my little house.  I had burned a bridge clearly and that made me hate myself even more.  My life was imploding around me and I had no one to blame but myself.

Chapter 25

Drinking

By now, I was drinking pretty much every evening with Jerry when he got off work.  We had been back together for a few years and so far, so good.  I felt comfortable by then, so we decided to get married again.  8-8-08.  Significant to us because our daughter weighed 8lbs, 8oz, born at 8:08pm.

No one understood, most of all my family.  But they supported me anyway and loved me anyway.    We got married at the courthouse and had a big party after.  Of course, my sister was there by my side, as she always