Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

My family that came in (Dottie, Paul, Lori, Ryan, April) and Paige and her friends and me decided we would all go out to eat ourselves after the service.

AT the cemetery right after the service, his mom invited us to come to the house, the church had brought food over.  We felt like an afterthought and we had already made our plans.

We didn’t go.  And I’m not sad that we didn’t.  I’m sorry if it hurt her or his niece because I truly loved and cared about them, but I felt incredibly hurt by it all and I was simply didn’t have it in me at that point.

Some of Jerry’s family still don’t speak to me, but they don’t know the whole story. They might think they do, but not even Paige knew the whole story and she lived here. I don’t know that it would change anything if they did.

There wasn’t money left to give to pay off the funeral.  I had no job and I was really sick and somehow I needed to survive myself.  So, I paid a little to the funeral home directly, I gave my stepson some of his money back and then we lived on it as long as we could. Which wasn’t long.

Chapter 26

Restoration

Then I got sick.  And well, you know that part since I told you already that God intervened again for me and delivered me from drinking.  Physical healing would take a little longer; and I was pretty weak for a few weeks.  His friend made sure I ate and was okay.  He cleaned the house, did the dishes, took care of the dogs.  I tried to make sure I kept moving as much as I could, rebuilding my strength. But even just stepping up on to a curb was hard for me, I was THAT weak from the damage I had done to my body.

I will forever be grateful to his friend for that.  But he was volatile when he was drunk and sometimes violent.  And many times, he scared me.  Often it resulted in me hiding in my room with the dogs until he passed out.  I was done watching people destroy themselves.  And I wasn’t about to let anyone else take me down again.

I gave him an ultimatum.  Get sober or get out.  He went to a facility and we both cried when he left.  I felt like I had lost my husband and best friend within a year of each other, but I knew I couldn’t handle his drinking, even as a friend.  It was all or nothing.

I was proud of him for going but scared for him too.  I prayed for him and sent him letters.  He came back after a few months, but that first day, I could smell alcohol on him.  I asked him if he was drinking and he lied. I knew better.

Our friendship didn’t survive all the trauma.  We haven’t spoken in a few years now.  I don’t miss the chaos.  I fear he will die a similar death to Jerry, or bitter and angry at the world. God removes people from your life when their part in your journey is over.  His was over.

When the money started to run out (which didn’t take long considering the amount of debt we had accumulated) and I was physically getting better, I knew it was time to work again.  I took a job as a home health care worker and for a while, I loved it.  My water was turned off (I had been off for months getting physically well) and as crazy as it sounds, I didn’t freak out.

I still went to work.  But only a few people knew.  We got some 5-gallon jugs and my neighbor would fill them up for me.  I used them to flush the toilet and take a bath (boiled the water on the stove to get it hot).  God had already prepared me to handle this and provided a way to be okay through it.  A couple of times, I was able to shower at the senior living center (where my favorite patient lived) or Paige’s boyfriend’s house.

I was determined to do this on my own.  I didn’t last long in that job for a couple of reasons.  I was growing too attached to these people and losing them crushed me.  And the pay sucked.  But I needed a job.  An easy job.  A job that in my way of thinking then was a “no brainer”.

I went to work as a cashier at Walmart (it even paid more than the home health care job) and it was just what I needed at the time.  But it was DEFINITELY NOT a “no brainer” job.

The humility I learned while working there stays with me today.  People I knew from OU would see me and I could see the judgement in their eyes, like “Poor Terri, look at what she’s become.”  It was a good lesson for me, and physically it was more demanding than I anticipated, so it helped me get stronger too.

From then until NOW I make sure anyone who says degrading or disparaging things about Walmart employees know most of them have a back story.  Many who are working two jobs or taking care of an elderly parent, or even saving for retirement.  It’s HONEST, HARD work.  And there is NOTHING demeaning about working there.

God knew I needed that humility and honestly, that built my faith even more.  He provided.

The gig was up on my water situation when my sister came to visit and asked Paige why she couldn’t flush the toilet.  She went to the water department and paid the bill AND put it on auto pay until I could handle it on my own.

When she could’ve easily walked out, she stepped up AGAIN.  I had