Normal Gets You Nowhere by Kelly Cutrone (ereader for android .txt) 📕

I explained that I was a single mom who works very hard for her money, that I’ve worked for sixteen years for top names in the business—from Bulgari to Christie’s Auction House to Vivienne Westwood to Paco Rabanne—and that none of these people had ever accused me of stealing. I’d been fighting my former client for four years at a high cost to myself and my business, on principle. In fact, I’d already spent the equivalent of two years’ worth of my daughter’s private schooling.

The judge nodded. “I understand,” she said. “But the problem is, if you go to court, you leave your fate to the jury. They might see a single mom, or they might see a powerful, tough-as-nails businesswoman. It just depends who you get.”

I couldn’t believe that even the judge was encouraging me to settle. She was in on it too! It was actually her job to discourage people from going to court, as court eats up the taxpayers’ money! I stared up at the wall, where I saw the words “In God We Trust,” and then looked down at the dollar bills visible through my clear clutch. That’s when I had an epiphany that caused me to bawl my eyes out.

“Why does it say ‘In God We Trust’ on our money and on your wall?” I demanded. “Nothing here has anything to do with God or the truth!”

I used to think Justice was blindfolded so her other senses would be heightened—I mean, that’s how it works in S&M; if you cover your eyes, you can feel and hear more. I also thought she was blindfolded because she wouldn’t want to judge by appearances. Now I realize that is poppycock.

Lady Justice is blindfolded because she does not want to see the legal system. If she saw it, she would see it has nothing to do with the truth, and this would destroy her.

“I need some time to think about this,” I said.

The truth was, I was beyond devastated. When I started out in business, I was an idealist with a capital “I.” My business model was It’s a Small World, i.e. the Disneyland ride. I thought everyone could just work together and make beautiful things and that none of my employees would ever quit and everything would be amazing. But that’s not how the world is. Laws are arbitrary, after all. They were written because humans have agreed that they do not want to master themselves. So they appointed leaders to get together and do their dirty work for them. I mean, for most of the twentieth century it was illegal to give a blow job in New York state! Certain laws are for the best, of course, but the fact that someone can just waltz up to me and threaten my livelihood by accusing me of breaking the “law” seemed so ridiculous.

By the time we stood in the judge’s chambers together, the two of us with our lawyers, I’d dispensed with all niceties.

“I will only offer you one number,” I said. “And if you do not accept, I’ll take this all the way to the end.”

She wanted $100,000, but I told my lawyer to tell her to go fuck herself. The judge told her she’d have to come down, since she was lucky I was offering her anything.

“$58,000,” I said. “And that is it. I would like permission to leave now, Your Honor, so I can get back to meditating.”

I paid her the money over six months, since I didn’t have enough to cover it in a lump sum. It’s money that would have gone to my daughter’s college education, and now it was going to this stupid lying bitch. All because anyone can accuse you of anything, and the burden is on you to prove you didn’t do it.

I Now Believe that When You Do Business with People, You Have to Recognize They Are Potentially Dangerous to You

Doing business with people is no different than moving to a big city. You can’t just see every man as a potential boyfriend; you also have to see him as someone who could be dangerous to you at night. And if you open your own company, you should be aware that all those who pass through your doors, whether visitors, clients, messengers, or employees, are not just a potential boon to your business—they’re also a potential menace. As you follow your intuition and pursue your dreams, you must be very careful about who you do business with. I mean, God forbid someone you’ve invited to your office slips on the ice, or a ceiling fan falls on their head, or you say something un-PC, or the elevator gets stuck and causes someone emotional trauma—being an entrepreneur is a scary business! Every time I raise my voice, I’m risking a labor case from a wounded underling.

In fact, several years ago, I was sued for stealing dog food from an employee! This was my favorite legal battle of all time. A senior employee had had a full-blown anxiety attack in the corner just four days before fashion week and required hospitalization. Needless to say, this totally screwed us over. I was producing twelve to fourteen shows and running showroom appointments—where buyers come to see the collection after the runway show and purchase it for their stores—for over a dozen designers. I ended up having to place two of my clients in other showrooms, since we were now short-staffed and there was no time to hire more help.* Somehow we survived, albeit with fewer clients, and six months later my anxiety-ridden former employee stopped by my office to pick up his bike and his dog food.

“Your bike? Your dog food?” I responded. “Well, the dog food we threw out. You left it here, and we were infested with mice. As for your bike, I have no idea where it is.”

Well, he took me to small claims court. I went with my lawyer friend, Herman. “You have been accused of stealing fifty