No Going Back by Casey Kelleher (bill gates books recommendations TXT) 📕

sitting with the Facial Imaging Officer to describe her own mother’s attacker for an E-fit, and having a frank discussion with Zack Lownrey about her predicament had left her emotionally drained. And today, making numerous door-to-door enquires had taken it out of her physically too. To say she was completely exhausted now would be an understatement.

All she wanted to do was get home and get a good night’s sleep, but she knew she couldn’t hold off coming to see her nan any longer than she already had. It wasn’t fair on the woman. Winnie was confused enough as it was, and now that Lucy was here, she could see with her own eyes how quickly her nan could deteriorate. She knew how debilitating her nan’s illness could be, but it didn’t get any easier.

‘You look lovely, Nan.’ Lucy smiled, eyeing her nan’s usual eclectic style of bold and bright outfits. Today’s ensemble consisted of a pair of soft cotton leopard print pyjamas, layered with a huge knitted red-and-white striped cardigan. A slick of bright orange lipstick, and her usually bouffant, curled hair flattened to her head with what looked like gel finished the look. ‘Your hair looks different, Nan! Have you been styling it?’

From afar, her nan looked radiant, if eclectic. To a stranger, you probably wouldn’t even realise that the woman was losing herself to dementia. But Lucy knew. She could see it in her nan’s face, how her expressions were contorted. Mirroring how disorientated and confused she was. The lights of her eyes dimmed by a heaviness that lurked behind them.

‘Oh, yes, I saw a picture in a magazine. Thought I’d try something new. What do you think? All the models wear their hair like this you know.’

‘She used up half the pot of butter,’ Nurse Hamilton interrupted. ‘Almost started a war at breakfast when the other residents were trying to butter their toast. Then you refused to have a shower, didn’t you, Winnie?’ Nurse Hamilton shrugged. ‘Pick your battles and all that. She’s not having the best day, so we figured we’d leave her be, and just wash it out before bedtime. There’s no real harm and it’s better than causing more upset.’

‘Oh dear!’ Lucy muttered, sensing that her nan had been difficult today, and grateful that Nurse Hamilton and the other staff here at Treetops always seemed to be so patient with her.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in the past couple of days, Nan. We’ve had a lot going on at work. It’s been so busy,’ Lucy said, playing down that they were in the middle of a murder investigation. The fact that it was pregnant victims and the last attack had happened on the Griffin Estate had only given Lucy another reason to stay away the past few days.

It was all too raw. Dealing with all of that, and then coming here and seeing her nan like this again – catapulted back to a place and time where she believed the memories that were locked inside her head were real. That she was living in a time before all the hurt and devastation had so turbulently entered their lives, uninvited, unwelcome guests. Burdening them with their presence ever since.

‘I brought you your favourite magazine, and some of those sweets we had last week. The lemon bon-bons. You ate the whole bag last time.’ Lucy smiled, gently planting the seeds of her nan’s real memories back inside her head as she helped Winnie into the chair opposite her.

‘You look tired, Jennifer,’ Winnie said, scrutinising the weary look on Lucy’s face.

‘I am, Nan. I haven’t been sleeping much lately.’ Lucy persevered, keeping the conversation as normal as possible, knowing that at any minute her nan could change and be back with her, here, in the present moment. But already, she could see that her nan had lost her focus and was looking around Lucy and scanning the room as if she was looking for someone.

‘Are you okay, Nan? Who are you looking for?’ Lucy asked, following Winnie’s gaze, unsure why she was looking so flustered.

‘Hmm. I can’t see her. Where is she?’ Winnie bristled, screwing her face up, angry now.

‘Who are you looking for, Nan?’ Lucy asked again, a wave of sadness engulfing her then as she braced herself for Winnie to say that she was looking for her daughter. For Lucy’s mother. It was what she always did when she finally remembered who Lucy was. Still confused, she’d wait for Jennifer to turn up then too.

It pained Lucy that they’d never really get past this. No matter how many times they went over it. Which was often. Her nan would always forget that Lucy’s mother was dead. And some days it took all of Lucy’s strength to have to play along and pretend that this was all completely normal. To not let it show that her grandmother’s dementia wasn’t affecting her too. Only Winnie’s next words surprised even Lucy.

‘Who do you think? That bloody woman. My stalker!’ she exclaimed, looking at Lucy with a deadpan expression, as if it was Lucy who was losing her mind. ‘She turns up everywhere I go.’

‘Your stalker?’ Lucy almost laughed. But she could see from her nan’s pained expression that she was genuinely on edge. She believed what she was saying. And she seemed distressed.

‘Maybe it’s just another resident here. The same as you, Nan…’

‘No. She’s not. She’s a stalker. She follows me around like a bad bleeding smell. I can’t get away from her.’

Lucy exchanged a look with Nurse Hamilton, who smiled back and nodded, confirming to Lucy this was exactly what she’d hinted at when she’d indicated that Winnie was having one of her more challenging days.

‘It’s just Lucy here now, Winnie.’ Nurse Hamilton cut in, taking this new development entirely in her stride. ‘Your nan’s already had her dinner, Lucy. So, I’m sure she’d love to have some of those lemon bon-bons you mentioned. Shall I get you both some tea? I expect you could do with