No Going Back by Casey Kelleher (bill gates books recommendations TXT) 📕

‘Please.’ Lucy nodded, not wanting to admit that once again she couldn’t stay long this evening. She felt guilty enough as it was that she hadn’t been around much the past few days. A quick cup of tea wouldn’t hurt. Besides, she’d missed her nan and, by the looks of it, Winnie was really struggling.

‘We like a nice cup of tea, don’t we, Nan?’

Only her nan didn’t answer; instead her eyes continued to sweep the room. ‘I bet she’s hiding because she knows you’re here,’ Winnie said finally. Shaking her head as if almost disappointed. As if she’d built herself up to say something to the woman, only now she couldn’t find her.

Winnie brought her gaze back to Lucy then. Fixated on her, she smiled. But Lucy could see she was still back in her own make-believe realm.

‘How’s the baby?’

For a second, Lucy faltered. The conversation seemed almost normal as she thought of Shelby and her newborn son, Riley. Only as her nan’s eyes moved to Lucy’s stomach, it was clear that she wasn’t asking about Shelby’s baby. Of course she wasn’t; why would she?

‘Stop, Nan,’ Lucy said, raising her voice louder than she’d intended. ‘I’m not her. I’m not Jennifer. I’m Lucy. You remember that, don’t you? Mum is dead. She’s not here. It’s just me, Nan. Lucy.’

As soon as her angry words left her mouth, Lucy instantly regretted them when she saw the sharp jolt of pain flash across her nan’s face at the sting of her outburst. That fleeting look of doubt as she questioned what she thought to be real. It was like watching the woman physically deflate before her very eyes. Sinking down into her chair, looking so small and frail.

‘I’m sorry, Nan. I didn’t mean that. I’m tired. I’ve been having bad dreams again.’ Lucy thought about the file that was still in her bag from yesterday. The image of the man who haunted her dreams. She’d been so busy that she’d barely had a chance to look over it again.

She felt sad then, thinking about how once she would have gone to her nan for advice without a second thought; only now her nan could barely even function for herself. Let alone help Lucy.

‘What did you have for dinner, Nan?’ Lucy said, changing the subject and hoping to focus her nan’s attention back onto something else.

The last thing she wanted to think about right now was her mum and the baby.

‘Dinner? Have I already had it?’ Winnie’s voice wobbled. A flash of fear in her voice as she bit down on her lip. A habit of hers when she was feeling anxious.

Lucy felt terrible then for losing her temper. She hadn’t meant to upset her nan more than she already was. This wasn’t her fault. None of this was either of their faults.

‘There you go, ladies. Tea and biscuits,’ Nurse Hamilton said, appearing and placing a tray down between the two women, sensing the tension between them both.

‘My nan can’t remember what she had for dinner,’ Lucy said, trying to keep her tone light.

‘Oh, well now, let’s see,’ Nurse Hamilton said, recalling what Winnie had eaten tonight. ‘You had chicken and mushroom pie with green beans and mash potato.’

‘Yes. That’s it,’ Winnie said, victoriously almost, at the snippet of memory that flashed in her mind.

‘Three cups? Are you joining us?’ Lucy smiled, hoping that Nurse Hamilton would. That another person in the mix would help to ease her nan’s fractious mood.

‘Oh, as much as I’d love to, I’ve got too much to do this evening. That extra one’s for Vivian. She was outside, just hanging her coat up… Oh there she is!’

Lucy turned towards the doorway just as Vivian entered the room and waved dramatically in their direction. ‘Just in time for a brew, am I?’ Vivian beamed as she approached them. Frowning then as she looked at Winnie’s vacant chair.

Lucy followed her gaze, narrowing her eyes as she realised that her nan’s chair sat empty where Winnie had quickly bolted from it, and was now crouching down on the floor behind it.

‘Nan?’ Lucy asked, wondering what she was doing now.

‘Oh, is Winnie not about this evening? That’s a shame. I was hoping to have a cup of tea with her. I’ve got a pack of her favourite biscuits with me.’ Vivian winked at Lucy, oblivious to Winnie’s mood, and thinking that she was playing along. That Winnie was having some kind of a joke with her. Only Lucy shook her head, warning Vivian that Winnie wasn’t playing. Something was wrong.

‘I told you she’d be lurking about… That’s her…’ Winnie whispered to Lucy. Scowling now. Visibly distressed at the sight of Vivian standing amongst them. ‘Always talking. Always pestering me…’

‘Nan. This is Vivian. She’s a very good friend. She used to care for you too.’ Lucy closed her eyes, mortified at her nan’s sudden outburst and the rude reception that she’d just given Vivian, after Vivian had no doubt trekked halfway across London on public transport just so she could visit the woman. As she did most days.

‘That’s what she’ll have you believe…’ Winnie shook her head, unconvinced. Her steely gaze fixed on Vivian.

‘She doesn’t mean it.’

‘Of course she doesn’t,’ Vivian said with a small smile, noting Winnie’s adverse reaction to her, but not giving her one back. ‘Lucy, the last person you need to explain anything to is me, trust me, darling. I’ve got skin thicker than a rhino, me.’

‘Get her away,’ Winnie said, her voice quiet and almost inaudible. Only her words weren’t working. They weren’t listening to her. ‘GET HER AWAY. GET HER AWAY!’ She shouted now, standing up from the chair and gripping it tightly with both hands before throwing it towards the small coffee table.

Vivian, Lucy and Nurse Hamilton all stepped back just in time as the tray of tea was knocked to the floor, along with Lucy’s handbag, the contents spilling out across the floor.

‘I’ll wait outside,’ Vivian mouthed to Lucy, not wanting to antagonise the