Dreaming in Color by Cameron Dane (autobiographies to read .TXT) 📕

minutes of glancing at each other, he made me hard and I went to the bathroom. He followed, pushed me into a stall, and gave me a blowjob. Neither of us said a word. Couple of weeks later, we cross paths in the same store, and it happened again. Only this time, he tells me he knows I won't believe him, but he's never gone down on a complete stranger in his life once, let alone twice, except with me. I told him I did believe him because I'd never gone to a bathroom and let anyone suck me off before him. He introduced himself, and I did too. He asked me out, and pretty quickly realized by my reaction I wasn't out of the closet.” The brief moment of light shimmering inside Marek diminished, and he returned to the statue of before. “Payton said he didn't mind, that everybody has to come to terms in their own time and their own way. We started seeing each other in secret, mostly late at night, to start. Eventually he came to my place more and more often. In hindsight I'm sure I wasn't fooling anybody, at least not the people in my building, but I still couldn't just come out and let people see I was gay.”

“It's hard to do. Scary.”

Marek slammed his hand into the armrest, cracking a sharp noise into the air. “It's so fucking stupid, you know.” He turned and put a full, all-out stare on Colin, slamming Colin in the gut with the volatile emotion living on his face. “I was so damn scared and worried about how people would treat me, how my life would change, always wondering what people would be whispering behind my back when I walked into a room, that the thought of coming out paralyzed me. In the end, I did the most damaging thing of all. I refused to give this person I loved the respect he deserved by going out in public with him and not being embarrassed if people made the correct assumption that we were fucking each other. I couldn't protect him”—Marek's face hardened and he snarled—“because I was too fucking busy hiding myself away.

“Pay was in incredible shape, but like I said, he was compact and wiry. There was no way he could have defended himself against those bastards who attacked him. But if I'd just not been so damned ashamed, and had been in that bar having a few drinks with him, they never would have picked him as their target.” Half of Marek's face shone with the shaft of light from the hallway, and every molecule visible to the naked eye was drenched in suffering. “If I had been there, Payton would still be alive. Only he's not, for the son-of-a-bitch, dumb-ass reason that I couldn't bear anyone knowing I like to fuck other men.”

Feeling as if he were bleeding inside with each layer of guilt Marek confessed, Colin bolted to the man and sat down on the coffee table, facing him. He wanted to touch but was afraid of Marek's reaction. “Oh, Marek, no. Baby, you need to get off that road right now. It is such a dangerous one to travel. You can't know what might or might not have gone down, had you been with Payton. I can't imagine he would want you playing that 'what if' game of roulette. Not that I knew him, but you don't wish that hell on someone you truly love, no matter the circumstances.”

Leaning forward on his elbows, Marek clasped his hands in front of his mouth. “I never told him I loved him, you know. I wanted to, but it seemed ridiculous, and I couldn't make myself say it, so I just told myself the words didn't matter, that he must just automatically know I felt it, because I did.”

Just a hint of the dreams Colin had lived with over the last few years rushed through him, drawing a confidence to his tone. “Your emotions seem to have a way of sinking into the people around you, Marek. Trust me on that.” Colin could very well be the one person in the world who knew that truth as well as Payton. “I'm sure Payton knew how you felt.”

“After he died, everyone knew. I had no ability to hide my grief or what I felt for him from anybody. It's cold comfort, but Payton constantly assured me I would come out in my own time, and I would know when to do it. He was right.” Marek pulled back, and a little smile edged up the corner of his lip. “Up in heaven, that probably makes him happy. He liked when I had to concede he was correct and I wasn't.”

Colin chuckled. He sat up straighter, arching a brow as some of Marek's burden lifted off his shoulders. “You probably don't admit defeat very often. I bet that was why.”

“Yeah.” As quickly as the softness had entered Marek, it left him, and he lifted a chilling stare on Colin.

Colin rubbed the goose bumps popping up on his bare arms. “What is it?”

“You know the horror he suffered in that parking lot,” Marek said, his voice raw. “You know what Payton lived through in the end, on that ground, being beaten to death. He was terrified and in terrible pain. Wasn't he?”

“No.” Colin shook his head vehemently. Goddamnit, no. “You don't want to do that to yourself.”

Marek lunged and grabbed Colin's arms, digging his fingers into flesh and muscle. “You say you want to help me. Tell me this.”

Colin grabbed Marek's face and looked into his eyes, fighting to understand. “How will this help you?”

“I need to know. I should share his burden. I owe it to him.” Marek looked like someone tormented him, but still he did not look away or let go. “He must have been so scared. I know he was.” Marek's wet blue eyes and bruising hold attacked Colin on multiple levels. “Tell