Toe to Toe (On Pointe Book 1) by Penelope Freed (read with me TXT) 📕

at me. “Tune them out, okay? They’ll only make you more nervous.” I look around again. “I bet she’s doing Bluebird,” I whisper, jerking my chin at the girl in the blue tutu.

Lisa and I look at each other for a long moment before she giggles. “How is it that I’m the one who’s so nervous and you’re the one who’s calm? You’re always the basketcase.” Lisa manages to get out between giggles.

I could tell her the truth, that I’m too angry to be nervous. That the intimate glimpse I got of Tyler and Olivia burned away all my nerves and left behind only the burning desire to kick ass tonight. I haven’t thought once about if I’m wearing my good tights, if my shoes feel okay, if my hair or makeup are perfect. I guess being mad as hell at Olivia did one good thing for me today.

“I don’t know,” I shrug, not sure how to tell Lisa what I’m feeling. “I’ve been a little distracted this afternoon.” The announcer starts speaking and the girl in the blue tutu runs out on stage to take her position. I tune her out as soon as I hear the familiar music. “Called it,” I say to Lisa, which gets her to crack a smile. I nod my head towards another girl in a white and gold tutu. “What do you think, Paquita?” We spend the next few minutes trying to guess which variation everyone is doing based on their costume. It’s a fun game to play, since there are only a limited number of possibilities, YIGP has a list of approved variations for each age group.

I keep working through my feet and stretching, trying to keep my muscles warm and ready to dance. The guy I recognized from earlier walks out onto the stage and I realize I’m next. His variation will be short, male variations are usually less than a minute long, so I quickly strip off my jacket and hand it to Lisa for safekeeping, then stand in the wings, waiting for him to finish.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, setting the stage in my mind once more. I imagine my prince, who looks suspiciously like Trevor this time, dressed in a coordinating costume to mine. In my mind we’ve just finished the wedding pas de deux and now he’s finished his variation, signaling that it’s time for my solo. I’m a regal princess, awakened from a long sleep by the man of my dreams and everyone is here to celebrate our wedding. Instead of walking out onto a bare stage, I picture an elaborate gold and white scene, with magnificent chairs scattered around the edges of the stage, a stunning garden backdrop and a full orchestra in the pit, just waiting for me to float onto the stage and stand ready to begin. I don’t think about the judges, I don’t think about Olivia. Okay, I do think about Olivia, but I push it out of my mind as soon as the thought starts to invade. But not before the pit of my stomach goes hollow and the scene I carefully drew for myself wavers.

There’s a smattering of applause as the boy before me finishes and takes a bow before running offstage. I hear the announcer start to speak and before I have a chance to second-guess myself, I begin a smooth, careful, walk to the center of the stage. My arms are poised, floating through the air and opening towards the audience, welcoming them and inviting them to watch as I take my starting position. I breathe deep, trying to calm my racing heart as I wait for the music to start. My stomach turns somersaults and it feels like I’ve been standing here for hours, even though it’s only been seconds. My cheeks freeze, my smile locked in place.

Just when I’m about to panic that something’s wrong, I hear the first few notes of my music. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and start moving. The first few steps feel wobbly and wrong, like my legs are half a beat behind my brain. My face is stuck in a simulation of a smile, my teeth clenched tight behind my frozen lips. I push up onto one foot, the other carefully touching my knee but as hard as I fight to stay in position, I can feel my weight is wrong and I have to come down too quickly instead of balancing for a beat like I’m supposed to.

I repeat the step on the other leg, fighting the panic rising in my chest, desperate to balance this time. Again, I come down too soon. Now I’m slightly off the music. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this? This is the easiest step in the variation, if I’m having trouble now, what will happen when I get to the next part? My body is moving through the steps on auto-pilot while my mind spins.

The next section is a series of little jumps with a relevé and a balance. I always struggle with the timing of this part, the jumps are slow and it’s hard not to get ahead of the music. I’m already getting ahead, how am I going to fix this? My legs feel stiff and heavy underneath me, jumping feels impossible. It’s like my body forgot how to do this. I do the first series and try to hold the balance, it’s on both feet for goodness sake, I should be able to hold this. But I feel myself wobble to the side and have to start the next series of jumps too soon. The next balance is a little better, but I still can’t seem to get right with the music. It’s like I’m listening to it under water. The jumps are getting harder and harder, but I push through for the third balance which I almost manage to hold for long enough. I