Me Life Story by Scarlett Moffatt (pdf e book reader .TXT) 📕

nervous around that time, a year into Gogglebox. I knew I had a problem when I started getting really agitated by silly things, like I could only have the music volume in the car on an even number otherwise I would worry that something bad was going to happen. I would imagine us crashing into a tree if the volume was at number thirteen.

Saying it out loud and writing this, I realise it does sound over the top but brains are very strange and unique things. I still now will write a tweet and if it doesn’t get ten ‘likes’ in the space of five minutes I will have to delete it because I worry that I’ve written the wrong thing.

I worry that people are going to hate me if I don’t give them 110 per cent. So if people do come up to me in the middle of the street and chat, even if I have somewhere to be I will be late for the meeting so I don’t have to cut the conversation short. I’ve even missed a couple of trains because I get anxious thinking that if I say, ‘Sorry I’ve got to go,’ they will then tell everybody that I’m a dickhead.

I have days where I am feeling crappy and feeling like I’m having a bloated day or a bad hair day and I have to force myself to go outside. Sometimes I don’t even step outside because I’m scared I’ll get photographed and I worry that the papers are going to start slagging my weight off or the way I look. Most weeks during Gogglebox I would walk to my front door, cry, then walk back into the living room. I would give myself a pep talk, walk to the front door again, grab the handle, cry again and then walk back into the living room. Some days after nine or ten goes I would make it outside. But some days my head demons would get the better of me and I would stay indoors all day.

Now I knew that it wasn’t right that I felt like this, but I felt like I was the only one in this situation and I was embarrassed; how could I speak about this to anybody? How could I tell someone that I worried that much over mundane things or that I sometimes felt like I was having an out-of-body experience? How could I say to my mam and dad, ‘I have to walk up the stairs toe, heel or just walk up every other step otherwise I worry that one of my family members is going to die’? I would say to myself, ‘Listen to yourself, Scarlett.’ So I didn’t tell anyone for over a year, I just kept these head demons to myself, listening to them and dealing with them by myself.

One night I decided to go out to the local with a few of the girls. Nights out – something that I loved at university – were now the bane of my life. I looked forward to people bailing on plans because I would just get so anxious about what to wear, who was going to be there, if there was going to be any trouble. But I knew I couldn’t live my life like that. So we went out and some rough girl decided to start shouting ‘Gogglebox!’ at me at the top of her lungs. She then proceeded to dance around me, being very intimidating. ‘I am just going to the toilet,’ I remember saying to my friend Billie. But I didn’t, I just got a taxi home. I stayed all night at home, lying in bed crying, worrying if that girl knew where I lived, if that was just a warning of what was to come. I didn’t even dare go to Asda the next day with my mam. I felt really dizzy and knew I could not live my life like this.

I didn’t want to worry my family so I booked an appointment with the doctor. It was a female doctor, which for some reason calmed my nerves. ‘So how can I help you today?’ She smiled.

I started getting really sweaty and dizzy and thought I was going to faint. The words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I could almost see them scramble around in my brain. ‘I think I’m mad,’ I whispered.

‘And why do you think that?’ she said.

It all came pouring out. ‘Well, I think stupid thoughts and I struggle to step out of my front door. Sometimes I feel like I’m having out-of-body experiences, sometimes I can sit and think about the same ten words that I’ve said to somebody over and over again and think because I’ve said that bad repercussions are going to occur. I have super good days where I’m normal Scarlett, where I feel on top of the world and I’m happy and giggly. But I also have some dark days. Sometimes on those dark days I won’t get out of bed, I’ll literally lie in bed for the whole day, half of the day worrying because I genuinely don’t feel good enough for what’s happening to me. See, I’ve been given the opportunity to be on a TV show called Gogglebox,’ I explained, ‘and sometimes I feel like the opportunities I’ve been given I don’t deserve. I’m scared I’ll mess things up. I’m just a five-foot-and-a-fag-end Bishop Auckland girl, why am I being given this chance? I don’t understand it. Then the other half of the day I spend crying in bed being angry with myself that I’m not just embracing what’s happening to me and that I’m not enjoying the opportunities as much as I should be. I struggle to understand why people like me and get really anxious that I’m going mess it up.’

I sighed the longest sigh that has ever come out of my mouth. It was pure relief. I instantly felt better for saying it all out loud.

‘Well, first