The Tree of Knowledge by Daniel Miller (room on the broom read aloud .txt) 📕

“What do you mean, you don’t get it?” she asked.

“Did you two ever read El Paraíso Perdido . . . in English, Paradise Lost?”

They both shook their head.

“Ohhhh, that book’s one of the great ones. You got to read it. The story of the real Tree of Knowledge, from the Bible. The devil, who’s originally an angel called Lucifer, starts a revolution in heaven to try to overthrow God because he’s jealous that God is focusing all his attention on people. So, God kicks the devil’s butt and sends him down to hell with all the other rebellious angels. That’s when the devil says, ‘It’s better to rule in hell than serve in heaven.’”

“Uh-huh,” said Albert, creasing his forehead.

“So, while he’s down in hell, the devil cooks up the idea that to get back at God, he’ll screw up human beings. So, he flies up through the gates of hell where he convinces Sin—his daughter—and Death, who’s his son by his daughter . . .”

Salazar paused when he saw the look on Albert’s and Ying’s faces. “Yeah, I know it’s pretty messed up, but stick with me.

“Anyway, he convinces his two incest kids to let him out of hell and up to earth. When he gets to earth, he finds Adam and Eve roaming around naked in the Garden of Eden as happy as can be, totally innocent and clueless. So, he realizes he’s going to corrupt them. And the way he’s going to do it is by getting them to eat an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, so they’ll be aware that they’re naked and also curious and horny and all that other stuff.”

Ying and Albert looked on, engrossed by Salazar’s odd recounting of this ancient tale.

“So, as we all know, he changes into a serpent and convinces Eve to eat the apple, and then she convinces Adam, and that’s when the shit hits the fan. But here’s the thing . . . all the while God’s watching all this. He knows what the devil is doing, and he still lets it happen. So, here’s what I’m thinking. God wanted us to have the knowledge. He wanted guys like Turner and you to come up with crazy shit that can change the world. So, when Turner claims that he invented the Tree of Knowledge and all that blah, blah, blah, I just laugh, and say, amigo, God came up with that shit in the beginning; it just took us all this time to figure out how to use it. It’s like rubbing two sticks together and saying you invented fire. Lucky for us, our boy Turner wants to use it for good and wants us to help. But now we got some other people that want to use it for bad. So the way I see it, we and Turner are on the side of God, and your girl Eva’s on the side of the other guy. The rest of this shit is just details.”

Salazar plopped his round body off the hay bale and turned to face them. “Now, let’s talk weapons.”

Albert and Ying shook their heads as though they’d just awakened from a trance.

“Yay! I want to shoot some guuuuns,” exclaimed Ying.

Salazar shook his head. “Lady, you’re not shooting guns for a while. You know why.”

“Why?”

“First off, I saw you out there by the hay bales. That shit was terrifying, Secondly, cuz when you’re in a fight, guns don’t do shit for you compared to some other stuff.”

“Like what other stuff?” said Albert skeptically.

Raphael looked past the two and shouted to Ariel, who was walking by the barn entrance dressed in designer jeans, rain boots, and a heather sweater, her pale hair pinned up with a silver barrette. She looked deep in thought. “Chiquitita, come over here.”

Ariel frowned and walked over.

“How are you doing, beautiful lady?” said Salazar as he grabbed Ariel’s unadorned hands.

“Why, I’m doing fine. Thank y—” Before she could finish her sentence, she collapsed to the ground.

“Like that,” said Salazar with a smile.

Albert and Ying ran to Ariel in horror. “What did you do?” shouted Albert.

Salazar howled with laughter. “Oh, don’t worry. I just put one of these on her hand.” He held a small green disk that looked like a pull-and-peel sticker. “Just peel it off and she’ll be up in no time.”

“Is that what I think it is?” snapped Ying.

“Yep. It’s a poison patch. You simply put it on someone’s pulse point, and they go right to sleep. Not bad, huh?”

Ariel began to awaken, blinking her eyes. Her chiseled face was the picture of confusion as she lifted herself off the chilly grass.

“You see, my friends, the point of this exercise was to show you that guns are a very messy business when you have so many other excellent options like this.” He pulled out a jug of lemonade and a couple of cups from beside the hay bale. “For example, would you two like a cup of lemonade?”

“Sure,” said Ying and Albert, thirsty from the day’s exercises. They grabbed a couple of cups and raised them to their mouths.

“Wrong,” shouted Raphael, slapping the cups out of their hands. “Never accept a drink from someone. I just put enough Rohypnol in this lemonade to kill a donkey.”

Albert and Ying shrugged, wondering what would come next from this human tornado.

Salazar pulled out a gun from behind his oversized belt buckle. The two of them stepped back, and Ariel, who had just gotten to her feet, scrambled against the wall.

“Here’s another reason why guns aren’t very useful.” Salazar grabbed the police shield that they had used earlier. He raised the shield and handed the gun to Albert. “Shoot me.”

Albert shook his head. “I’m not going to shoot you.”

Ariel, now fully alert, grabbed the gun from Albert, pointed it at Salazar, and snapped, “I’ll shoot you.” Her voice seethed with fury at Salazar’s little stunt.

“OK, lady. Do it.”

Ying and Albert trundled behind a hay bale, plugged their fingers in their ears, and looked on as the