I Am What I Am by John Barrowman (white hot kiss .TXT) 📕

the course of my career in theatre, every leading lady I’ve worked with has been a diva in some way and they’ve all been very successful, so … well done, Donna.’

‘Where’s John this summer?’

‘He’s being gay and blunt in Canadaland.’

Despite some of the differences in our judging styles, the show’s producers didn’t have to do much work with me because I knew how to produce myself.6 However, the same couldn’t be said about Simon Lee, a fellow judge and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s proxy during the early stages of the elimination process, when Simon had the final say on who should be saved in the sing-offs. Andrew only joined us later in the series as one of the judges.

For years, Simon has been Andrew’s musical supervisor for shows like Jesus Christ Superstar and The Phantom of the Opera, and he was also involved in the initial stages of the BBC’s How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? However, I believed from the beginning that Simon was not a good choice as a judge, and in this venture he didn’t represent Andrew’s interests well at all. Early on, I mentioned to the series producer that she shouldn’t put too much of the show on Simon’s shoulders because I feared he might let the programme down.

For despite Simon’s many talents, as a judge he was a stuttering, twitching mess most of the time. Unfortunately, his influence with the producers continued right up until his arrest. I don’t claim to be prescient or perfect, but I knew many people who’d worked with Simon in the past, and, from the beginning of the production, I was worried about his professionalism. I was also aware of his personal struggles and how they might interfere with the show.

Sadly, it didn’t take long for Simon’s dramatics to go from petty to outrageous, and on the day after the show’s semi-final, Toronto headlines read: ‘Judge for CBC’s Maria arrested after alleged assault, confinement at posh Yorkville hotel’ and ‘Maria judge charged with assault’.

I didn’t need anything nearly as histrionic for Simon to wear thin on me. The little things he did were quite enough. For example, I did most of the pre-air publicity for the show, and in return for my work, I was hoping I’d get to sing ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’ with the contestants, and have the opportunity to plug my album, Another Side, to the Canadian market.7 This never happened. Instead, in rehearsals that week, the producers informed me that Simon was going to accompany the remaining Marias on the piano during the upcoming show. This didn’t seem fair. Not only because I’d clearly been bumped, but also because Simon had to read his music during the accompaniment. As I said to the producers: if Simon had to read music while he played, how could he fairly judge the Marias’ performances?

‘Do you think the audience will notice that, John?’ asked one of the producers.

Oh, yeah. Viewers are not stupid. They notice everything.

When I was a contestant on Dancing on Ice, I remember one week Phillip Schofield called out the final voting without a note card in front of him. Viewers wrote in and complained because they thought he was being told the answers in his ear. It didn’t look kosher, even though it was, and the following week Phillip had the results on a card. This format has subsequently changed as viewers have become used to earpieces.

As we discussed Simon’s planned performance, he piped up in the meeting – in a voice that sounded as if he was parodying a foppish Englishman – and explained he was a professional and would handle the situation appropriately. I let it go. Ultimately, the TV audience saw a few shots of Simon’s hands that particular episode, and no shots of his music. Only the studio audience saw him for the entire number.

Normally, this kind of stuff wouldn’t rile me, but on this occasion I thought that a great deal of the focus on Simon was at the expense of the Maria hopefuls. When I participate in shows like this, I always remind myself that as a judge I can be funny, sassy, maybe even a little in-your-face, but in the end the show is all about the contestants. I’ll get another chance to perform, but these young men and women may not. Unfortunately, Simon’s star turn was yet to come.

On the day of the penultimate show, Carole was visiting, and when we arrived at the studios for filming, the place was already buzzing madly.8 No one on the team had seen Simon since the night before. Naturally, everyone was frantic. By the time Carole and I had made it to my dressing room, we had most of the story. Simon had been arrested and charged with assault, and would not be appearing on the programme anymore.

Earlier on that Sunday, Simon and his subsequent ‘accuser’ had had a very loud ‘domestic dispute’. Both men were still in the throes of their Saturday-night partying in one of the more prestigious hotels in Yorkville – the Hazelton Hotel, just down the street from where I was living. The hotel had an outdoor patio restaurant at street level, and it was the kind of place where diners went to see and be seen; a place the likes of the Beckhams would frequent.

According to one report, the ‘domestic dispute’ quickly became more outrageous and brunch diners were taken aback by the sight of a young man in his twenties climbing over the balcony of the hotel before shinning down the side and crashing down onto the restaurant patio.

‘Oh, look, David, darling. A man’s foot just landed in my sashimi.’

‘How nice, Vicky, I have his elbow in my oysters.’

One published report then stated, ‘The man stormed off, leaving the brunchers stunned, before returning without a shirt about ten minutes later and yelling at the restaurant patrons that he had forgotten something.’

Carole and I synthesized and filtered all the details we’d gathered