The Tree of Knowledge by Daniel Miller (room on the broom read aloud .txt) 📕

humiliation among the townsmen. In addition to her considerable fighting skills, Ying truly excelled in the one area that Albert couldn’t seem to master: psychological warfare.

As with everything else, Albert and Ying learned psychological warfare through games. In these games, Turner and Ariel would challenge Albert and Ying to convince someone to do something they would not otherwise do. Ying mastered each concept immediately. Ariel would explain various concepts like how to build trust with a stranger, how to intimidate someone, or how to manipulate group behavior. Ying would quietly listen, absorb the information, and then put it into practice. In the same manner that Albert could visualize ten moves ahead when playing chess, Ying could put herself in a person’s mind and see what they were thinking simply by observing external indicators.

On this evening, Ariel and Professor Turner’s lesson focused on the timeless art of seduction.

“Seduction is the single most valuable use for the Tree of Knowledge,” said Turner, raising his voice above the din of the singles bar they had frequented for their lesson. “If you can consistently generate attraction, you have real and lasting power over at least fifty percent of the population.”

Albert was trying to listen to the professor, but he couldn’t seem to focus. Everything about his surroundings made him nervous. Each person in the bar looked to Albert like they had fallen out of a celebrity magazine. It seemed like every man was tall, well built, tan, and bursting with lotion, cologne, hair product, and tailored clothing. And the women. Each one was gorgeous in her own way—some slim and elegant with sleek haircuts; some clean and blonde as sunlight; some buxom and knowing, like Shakespearean barmaids—and all wearing skintight jeans or dresses no bigger than Albert’s washcloth. The lighting was absurdly dim, and the music was exceptionally loud. The whole experience made Albert feel small.

Where do these people come from?

“Albert,” shouted Ariel. “Are you listening?”

“Oh, sorry. But are you sure we should be out in public like this? I mean, aren’t the police looking for us?”

Turner sighed. “I find it highly unlikely that the patrons of these premises have been reading the local Princeton Examiner and noting the absence of a rogue professor on the off chance that they might be able to assist in the investigation.”

Ariel piled on. “Yeah, you have to stop being so inwardly focused, Albert. And stop looking at my boobs.”

Ariel was wearing a low-cut dress to fit in with the crowd, and Albert couldn’t seem to peel his eyes from her bosom, especially since the stilettos she wore meant her bosom was at the level of his lips.

“Sorry,” he said, lifting his gaze.

“Lesson number one . . . don’t say ‘sorry.’ It makes you look weak. OK, now let’s get to work.”

Ariel handed out a sheet of paper to Albert and Ying titled “Seduction: Key Points.” Point one simply said, “Peacocking.”

Ying, dressed in a high-necked yellow dress that ended about an inch below her crotch, giggled. “What is peacocking?”

Ariel smiled, carefully reached into her handbag, and pulled out two items: a pink feather boa and a tiara. “This is peacocking.”

“I’m not following,” said Albert.

“I figured you wouldn’t,” said Ariel. “The first thing you two need to know about seduction is that human beings are just like animals, and they respond to a lot of the same cues that animals do. In the wild, the male peacock’s big, bright feathers serve a very basic function: to attract females. The concept is no different for human beings. Allow me to demonstrate.”

The psychiatrist rose from the table and stood next to Albert. “Take our friend Dr. Puddles here. Right now, he might as well be a decoration on the wall. He is wearing nice khaki pants and a checkered shirt and is completely unremarkable.”

Albert opened his mouth to protest, but one look at Ariel made it clear that it would not be advisable.

She continued, “However, if I wrap this pink feather boa around his neck, he becomes extremely remarkable. Now, it would be nearly impossible for someone to walk into this bar and not notice the gentleman with a feather boa around his neck. Am I right?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Albert.

“Yeah, he looks ridiculous,” said Ying, smiling, her eyes bright with mischief.

“Exactly. But that’s the point. If you didn’t know Albert and you saw him sitting here with a pink boa, wouldn’t part of you want to go up to him and ask, ‘Why are you wearing a boa?’”

Ying thought for a moment and then nodded. “I suppose so.”

“Well, that’s a huge deal. For a man to be so interesting looking that a random woman just can’t help but go talk to him is a big first step. In addition, for someone like Albert, who isn’t the most outgoing guy in the world, it really helps grease the gears.” Again, Albert opened his mouth to protest, and again he thought better of it.

“So, do I get to be the princess? Or should I say a queen?”

“Yes, you do, Your Highness,” said Turner, bowing his head and placing the plastic crown on her head. She beamed, gave a mock queen wave, and practiced moving so the tiara wouldn’t slide off. Albert thought she looked like something from a Disney cartoon—not that this was a bad thing, necessarily.

“If my friends could see me now,” said Ying with a whisper of longing.

For the next thirty minutes, Ariel painstakingly briefed the two on seduction. She explained to Albert that he should never buy a woman a drink, because it gave the impression that he was of lower worth than her and needed to buy her things just to have the honor of her attention. “Women should be buying you drinks.” Ariel told Ying about the importance of assessing and giving off “indicators of interest.” This could be anything from a smile to a playful touch on the shoulder to a flip of the hair. Turner explained how this knowledge could be used in conjunction