Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

would often hangout with the grownups instead of them when they came over to avoid feeling inadequate around them.  (I only realized this as I got older though.)

I escaped by eating more, spending more time with music, and going to church as often as I could.

Singing allowed me to compensate for where I felt I was lacking, and I excelled there.  My need to be accepted, liked, and heard, (even if only in song) was possible there.

See the pattern?

Chapter 5

Mom’s Escape

My mom found her escape in work and the Moose Lodge. I recall many weekends spent there, helping serve food, clean up, make posters. It was near my grandpa's house and her work in Norwalk, CA.  She also made sure I got to sing every once in a while.  That was pretty cool and that helped soothe my broken heart some.

It was about this time I learned how to field phone calls for my mom.  How to answer the phone appropriately, tell them mom wasn’t available.  Most were bill collectors or solicitors.  Mom would tell me people said I sounded “so grown-up” on the phone.  I was impressed with that at the time, but I was a 12-year-old, doing grown-up things, I had to sound grown.

There were times mom would just stay at grandpa's after work or going to the Lodge. I was home. Alone. Terrified.

The thoughts of "what if something happened to my mom?" "If my dad could die already, then what if my mom died too, what would happen then?" "Who would want me?" What if, what if, what if, what if..... was an ongoing narrative in my young brain.

Yes, my family was right next door, but in the dark, across the backyard to their house was scary too. Some stranger may be hiding in the dark just waiting to grab me. The alternative was to stay home alone.  I often turned every light in the house on and slept that way. I was still afraid of the dark until just a couple of years ago when I finally turned the tv off to go to sleep.

Then factor in the times Mom would “forget” to pay the phone bill or electric bill and it would be off.  I’d have to wait for her to get home so we could go pay it.  I finally figured out if I would remind her to write a check for this bill, or that bill it didn’t happen as often. Sometimes, I wrote the check for her and just had her sign it.  More grown-up issues.

Being home alone with no phone or electric, even if only for a few hours was awful.  If it was the electric, I would go next door to my aunt and uncles house and stay until mom got home, which would vary.

And my cousins were my best friends.  I’d have never learned how to walk across the yard on a 55-gallon oil barrel, or throw a baseball, football, roller skate, skateboard, if it wasn’t for them.  I’m so thankful for their presence in my life.

Mom worked shift work at the Lever corporation.  So sometimes she’d work days; 7am to 3pm, sometimes swing; 3pm to 11pm and sometimes graveyard; 11pm to 7am.  Graveyards were the worst for me.  I absolutely HATED being alone in the house overnight.

She had a few boyfriends, but I only really remember one coming to the house.  Chuck.  He wasn’t around long though.

On those nights when I was alone, I would often talk out loud to my dad.  There was a teeny, tiny, ½ bathroom off the rumpus room, between the rumpus room and laundry area.  This was always where my daddy shaved.  I went in there to look in the mirror and wipe my eyes from crying.  The light switch was directly behind you and when you’re standing in front of the mirror you had a clear view of it.  I was the ONLY person in the house.  And as I stood there, missing my daddy, crying for him, I watched the light switch move to the down position from my vantage point in the mirror.  And I smelled him.  He smelled of Brut cologne and shoe polish, mixed with cigarette smoke.

I wasn’t scared at all.  In fact, just the opposite.  I felt comforted.  To this day, I can’t explain that, but I’ve had several things like this happen in my life since then and none of them have ever scared me.

That little girl then was terrified of so many things, ESPECIALLY the dark.  What should have frightened me didn’t.  I remain convinced that it was my daddy letting me know he was watching over me.

One day, mom dropped a bombshell on me.  She said we were moving in with grandpa in Norwalk.  WHAT???? WHY????  I don’t want to.

I mean, I absolutely loved going there for holidays and seeing all my cousins and eating all the amazing food and playing wahoo or 31 after the meal, but to LIVE THERE?

This was several years after my dad had passed and I felt like I was just getting comfortable with my dad’s death and all the changes, so I didn't want to leave.  Mom didn’t know it, but this was the ultimate blow to my already struggling emotional state.

All my security was THERE. My church, my friends, my cousins, my school, my home. The memories of my dad. So much was wrapped up in that house. And now you're going to take it away from me? I cried for days. Begging and pleading with her to no avail. We were moving.  And I was devastated.

Chapter 6

Grandpa’s

I made it one year at the new high school. Talk about culture shock.

Going from an upper middle class, Orange county school to a suburb of LA was tough. I saw a gang fight, someone blew their head off on our football