Masterpiece in Progress by Smith, TL (snow like ashes txt) 📕

my sister and her husband, Paul took me in, no questions asked, and loved me as if I were their own.  And they had 4 kids of their own to raise.  Now your sister too?  Can you imagine the sacrifice that took?  I will never take that for granted as long as I live.

Chapter 7

Van Buren

High school was amazing in Van Buren.  The kids were kind, friendly, and warm to me.  Something I had NOT experienced at Santa Fe Springs High School in California.

I met so many genuinely good people and because I finally felt safe in my home life, I was able to fully concentrate on music, which in my brain is where I shined and was accepted.

I was still heavy, and still felt kind of like the outsider. Not that anyone ever said anything regarding my weight that I heard anyway, but it was still in the back of my brain.  Words are so powerful, and those old hurts were/are still there.

Which is why I never fully felt "part" of any of the groups I was active with in school. I felt like I was liked fairly well, but I wasn't the petite cheerleader, or the girl all the boys wanted to date (I actually only had one boyfriend in high school, and he didn't go to my school), definitely was not the smartest girl in class. So, finding my place where I felt acceptance was important to me.

On stage, singing, performing. THAT is where I felt most comfortable, most liked, most accepted.  And other musicians understood me in a way my high school friends didn’t.  So, I worked my butt off to keep that going.  Thankfully Wesley had introduced me to some more of his talented musician friends (who also are still my friends to this day) and we had many fun-filled days and nights playing music together.  They taught me so much.  Not just about music, but life lessons THROUGH music.  Writing, performing, living with that ache, that drive, that emotional void that only music could fill.

I still have my high school yearbooks and there are so many entries about my music and for me to keep at it. Truly a gift from God, this voice.

I am eternally grateful for the friends that I still have in my life (even if they are just on Facebook now) from high school. They have no idea what a big role they played in helping me recover emotionally.  One friend, loved to hear me say, “No”.  She said it sounded so cute.  Apparently, I had a California accent?  I didn’t know that was a thing. My best friend’s mom ran a very successful beauty shop and Edwina always had the cutest hair and the prettiest nails.  I would let her mom try new styles on me.  (Think punk rock mullet).  I also quit biting my nails so I could have pretty nails like Edwina.  My other good friend Lorrie lived up the road from Edwina and the three of us would have many crazy, fun, times together.

I had my first snow ice cream at Lorrie’s house.  And one day, Edwina about killed us when she popped the clutch on the quad runner we had taken from her house to Lorrie’s, with me on the back grate.  We popped a wheelie on a busy road!  I think it tore Edwina’s sandals off her feet and I had road rash on my back.  It’s a miracle there were no other cars around when that happened.

Lorrie had a car, so she would pick Edwina and I up for school and on the weekends, we would “cruise” town.  From the Sonic to McDonald’s.  Waving at the kids sitting in different parking lots along the way.  Blaring our music and singing along to every song that came on.  Don Henley’s, “Dirty Laundry” was a favorite.

My first experience with sex was the summer before junior year. I had traveled to North Little Rock with a friend and her family that I stayed with briefly in Arkansas. We somehow managed to sneak away from the parents and drink some TJ Swann wine with her cousin. It was my first time drinking and it made me feel “cool”.

My friend had told me her cousin really liked this boy (he was a senior in high school) that was going to be there and to make sure I didn’t “flirt”.  (I didn’t know HOW to flirt, guys never paid attention to the “chubby/fat” girl).

When we ran out of liquor, he asked me to go to the store with him.  And I was just tipsy enough to say “okay”.   On the way back, he stopped the car on the side of a dirt road and kissed me.  I thought he was cute, but I wasn't really crushing on him and I had never been kissed before, so I wasn’t sure what to do, (should I be flattered? do I kiss him back?  do I want to kiss him?) but before I could react, he pulled me out of his car and pushed me down on the dirt road, near where the grass started.  Then he assaulted me on the side of the dirt road.  I didn’t fight back, I didn’t know what to do, it was all happening so fast. I just let it happen.

I remember I was on my period and had an OB tampon in.  When I got back to where my friend and her cousin were, I went to the bathroom and the tampon was shoved so far into my vagina, I didn’t think I was going to be able to get it out.

I don't even know his name and I never told a soul. I was so fearful that my friend’s cousin was going to kill me for going with him to begin with, if she found out about this, she’d REALLY have it in for me. And I