Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never by Lancaster, Jen (e books free to read .txt) 📕

I’m about to send the project coordinator an e-mail requesting to join in when I notice a few words I’d previously skimmed over. Turns out I wouldn’t be having these scintillating conversations with youth or the elderly. Apparently I’d be chatting up gentlemen just released from prison. And this takes place in a halfway house, so their participation is likely involuntary. Suddenly this doesn’t sound like such a great idea.

To be fair, maybe these conversations are totally beneficial to the ex-cons and perhaps they can’t fully mainstream back into society without being able to connect with regular people. I bet having the civilian perspective helps them right the thought processes that led them down the wrong path in the first place. Yet I know myself well enough to say I’d be far too uncomfortable around these men and that the interchange wouldn’t benefit any of us. Plus, I’d probably try to cross-examine them about their past crimes in order to better judge them, because even though I’ve made the conscious decision to become an adult, that doesn’t preclude me from being an asshole.

Moving on.

Now, hey, this one’s right up my alley. “Come be surprised by how much joy an animal can bring into someone else’s day. The XY Senior Center is a facility for seniors and other residents who need skilled nursing care. Pairs of volunteers make the rounds with a friendly cat or dog to socialize with residents in individual rooms. Volunteers without pets can pair up with pet owners.”

Yes! Score! Ding ding ding! I’ve finally found a use for my menagerie! Perfect! I love the idea of having old folks connect with animals. Pets are so therapeutic, at least when they’re not vomiting in one’s shoes[Tucker.] or climbing the curtains[Gus.] or whizzing on the leg of the pool table because it vaguely resembles a tree trunk.[Loki.] I mean, when I’m stressed or sad, nothing in the world makes me feel better than spooning Maisy, feeling her scratchy paintbrush fur against my cheek and inhaling her eau de corn chip scent.

Years ago when I worked for an HMO, I had a few peripheral dealings with nursing homes. All the best ones included pet therapy programs. Lots of places even had big, docile dogs and sweet-natured cats who lived in the facilities; they made such a difference in the residents’ lives.

I absolutely adore the idea of bringing the elderly and pets together. But given the nature of my pets, I wonder if I shouldn’t try to pair up with someone? Maybe I should ask.

I copy down the contact information and shoot the organizer a quick e-mail.

Hi, Kim,

I’m interested in volunteering for the XY Senior Center project. I’m wondering, though, if I need to be paired with someone who has a pet. I have two dogs who are seriously friendly but one of them is a 75-lb pit bull and the other is a 105-lb shepherd mix. They’re both sweet as can be, although they tend to jump and head butt and I’d worry about them in a roomful of folks with limited balance and fragile hips.

Otherwise, I’ve got three kittens who couldn’t be more charming, although they’re still kind of feral. They’re great around our house but I wonder if they might not slingshot around a room looking for a place to hide should they encounter strangers.

My elderly cats are pretty calm, but one doesn’t groom himself and he looks like a bath mat. (He’s also missing all his teeth but that doesn’t stop him from woofing down dry dog food!) The other one is about a thousand years old and somehow I imagine petting the feline manifestation of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons wouldn’t be nearly as nice as touching something fat and furry. But maybe it would work because she’s spry and feisty?

Anyway, if you feel like my pets might be appropriate, let me know. And if you’d rather just pair me up with another owner, that’d be great, too. I’d love to be a part of this.

Best,

Jen Lancaster

I send my e-mail and await confirmation.

Which never comes.

Damn.

As always, my friend Stacey is a willing partner in crime, which is why I’m able to rope her into an Indianapolis road trip. We’re going to an event with the GlamourGals Foundation, a nonprofit whose mission is to inspire and organize teens to provide complimentary makeovers to elderly women living in senior homes. Julia Porter, the Director of Programs, has been incredibly helpful in guiding me to various volunteer opportunities, so when I have the chance to repay the favor, I’m all over it.

We spend our day giving manicures and makeovers to the elderly residents and within five minutes, I can tell what a valuable program this is. When you’re holding someone else’s hand or touching her face, it creates an instant bond and an intimacy that you won’t find in a garden-variety conversation.

The thing about the elderly is they don’t dick around with a lot of social niceties. No time for that. So I can’t help but appreciate when one of the ladies grills Stacey on her marital status.

“Are you married?” Stacey’s elderly manicure client asks.

“No, but I’m dating someone exclusively,” Stacey replies.

“Are you shacking up?” I have to stop rouging my gal’s cheeks because I have to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from snorting.

Stacey smiles patiently. “We don’t live together.”

“Why not? Time’s a-wasting.”

And then I die laughing until she turns to me and asks why I don’t have kids.

However, these ladies’ ability to be blunt and articulate exactly what they want and need is why I believe this is such an amazing program. I feel like kids today have trouble expressing themselves, particularly when they can’t hide behind tweets and text messages, and knowing there’s a cadre of outspoken old ladies in hot pink lipstick forcing them outside their comfort zone makes me weep a little less for the future.[Please go to GlamourGals.org if you’d like to help this amazing organization.]

Unfortunately, with the