Sanine by Mikhail Artsybashev (ebook pdf reader for pc .TXT) 📕

Whenever he asked himself what it was that attracted him to Sina Karsavina, the answer was always “the sexual instinct, and nothing else.” Without knowing why, this explanation provoked intense self-contempt.

Yet a tacit understanding had been established between them and, like two mirrors, the emotions of the one were reflected in the other.

Sina Karsavina never troubled to analyse her sentiments which, if they caused her slight apprehension, yet pleased her vastly. She jealously hid them from others, being determined to keep them entirely to herself. It distressed her much that she could not discover what was really at work in the handsome young fellow’s heart. At times it seemed to her that there was nothing between them, and then she grieved as if for the loss of something precious. Nevertheless she was not averse to receiving the attentions of other men, and her belief that Yourii loved her gave her the elated manner of a bride-elect, making her doubly attractive to other admirers. She was powerfully fascinated by the presence of Sanine, whose broad shoulders, calm eyes, and deliberate manner won her regard. When Sina became aware of his effect upon her, she accused herself of want of self-control if not of immodesty; nevertheless she always continued to observe him with great interest.

On the very evening that Lida had undergone such a terrible ordeal, Yourii and Sina met at the library. They merely exchanged greetings, and went about their business, she to choose books, and he to look at the latest Petersburg newspapers. They happened, however, to leave the building together and walked along the lonely, moonlit streets side by side. All was silent as the grave, and one could only hear at intervals the watchman’s rattle, and the distant bark of a dog.

On reaching the boulevard they were aware of a merry party sitting under the tress. They heard laughter; and the gleam of a lighted cigarette revealed for an instant a fair moustache. Just as they passed a man’s voice sang:

The heart of a fair lady
Is wayward as the wind across the wheat⁠ ⁠…

When they got within a short distance of Sina’s home they sat down on a bench where it was very dark. In front of them lay the broad street, all white in the moonlight, and the church topped by a cross that gleamed as a star above the black linden trees.

“Look! How pretty that is!” exclaimed Sina, as she pointed to the church. Yourii glanced admiringly at her white shoulder which, in the costume of Little Russia that she wore, was exposed to view. He longed to clasp her in his arms and kiss her full red lips. It seemed as if he must do so, and as if she expected and desired this. But he let the propitious moment pass, laughing gently, almost mockingly, to himself.

“Why do you laugh?”

“Oh! I don’t know!⁠—nothing!” replied Yourii nervously, trying to appear unmoved.

They were both silent as they listened to faint sounds that came to them through the darkness.

“Have you ever been in love?” asked Sina, suddenly.

“Yes,” said Yourii slowly. “Suppose I tell her?” he thought. Then, aloud, “I am in love now.”

“With whom?” she asked, fearing to hear the answer, while yet certain that she knew it.

“With you, of course,” replied Yourii, vainly assuming playful tone as he leant forward and gazed into her eyes, that shone strangely in the gloom. They expressed surprise and expectancy. Yourii longed to embrace her, yet again his courage failed him, and he pretended to stifle a yawn.

“He’s only in fun!” thought Sina, growing suddenly cool.

She felt hurt at such hesitation on Yourii’s part. To keep back her tears, she clenched her teeth, and in an altered tone exclaimed “Nonsense!” as she quickly got up.

“I am speaking quite seriously,” began Yourii, with unnatural earnestness. “I love you, believe me, I do, passionately!”

Sina took up her books without saying a word.

“Why, why does he talk like this?” she thought to herself. “I’ve let him see that I care, and now he despises me.”

Yourii bent down to pick up a book that had fallen.

“It is time to go home,” she said coldly. Yourii felt grieved that she wanted to go just at that moment, but he thought at the same time that he had played his part quite successfully, and without in the least appearing commonplace. Then he said, impressively: “Au revoir!”

She held out her hand. He swiftly bent over it and kissed it. Sina started back, uttering a faint cry: “What are you doing?”

Though his lips had only just touched her soft little hand, his emotion was so great that he could only smile feebly as she hurried away, and soon he heard the click of her garden gate. As he walked homewards his face wore the same silly smile, while he breathed the pure night air, and felt strong, and glad of heart.

XXII

On reaching his room, narrow and stuffy as a prison-cell, Yourii found life as dreary as ever, and his little love-episode seemed to him thoroughly commonplace.

“I stole a kiss from her! What bliss! How heroic of me! How exquisitely romantic! In the moonlight the hero beguiles the fair maid with burning words and kisses! Bah! what rubbish! In such a cursed little hole as this one insensibly becomes a shallow fool.”

When he lived in a city, Yourii imagined that the country was the real place for him where he could associate with peasants and share in their rustic toil beneath a burning sun. Now that he had the chance to do this, village life seemed insufferable to him, and he longed for the stimulus of a town where alone his energies could have scope.

“The stir and bustle of a city! The thrill of passionate eloquence!” so he rapturously phrased it to himself; yet he soon checked such boyish enthusiasm.

“After all, what does it mean? What are politics and science? Great as ideals in the distance, yes! But in the life of each individual