Missing the Big Picture by Donovan, Luke (great book club books txt) 📕

After Thanksgiving, most of the drama between Bruce and me ended. He took down the picture of me on his website. In the future, Bruce would call each of his birthday parties “Bruce Fest” and say it was “the most spectacular event in human history.” Instead of my picture, Bruce posted a list of fifty reasons why he loved his juvenile girlfriend. Reason number eleven was “how you say Aerosmith is going to die soon”; number forty-three was “how you let me watch you get ready for bed”; another reason was “those strange little noises you make,” followed by “rock, papers, scissors, SHOUT.” Most everybody thought Bruce was strange, obsessive, and immature.

Before I left SUNY Geneseo, the girls gave me a going-away party and made me a collage of pictures. Even though I was only at SUNY Geneseo for three semesters, I definitely learned a lot about myself. After having feelings of worthlessness for years, I learned that people could like me, I could entertain others, and there was no reason why I couldn’t have friends. I also learned that I was still very impressionable. I had let this insecure, cruel kid from Long Island literally destroy part of my life that I had worked so hard to build.

I knew I had to leave SUNY Geneseo. Being four hours away from my family when I was hearing voices nearly every day didn’t help my mental health. I needed to get treatment and get away from Rich’s voice. I do regret that I didn’t fight the voice enough. Instead of trying to tell myself, “Don’t listen to or communicate anything to this voice,” I assumed that I was having a real conversation and actually followed its commands.

Despite my dealings with Bruce and Rich, most of the students, faculty, and staff I met at SUNY Geneseo were beautiful people who helped me realize that I was a person who was as good as everyone else. I missed them all as soon as I transferred.

CHAPTER 7

NEW BEGINNINGS—2003 AND BEYOND

My favorite beer is my third.

—Las Vegas Comedian Linda Lou

On New Year’s Eve, 2002, I spent the holiday with my entire family because it was also my grandmother’s birthday. My mother’s ex-boss, Jeremy, was recently divorced and had no plans for the holiday, so she invited him over and told me they were just friends. The weather was so horrible that Jeremy stayed overnight and slept on the couch. The next day, he didn’t go home. He asked my mother if he could stay until he found an apartment, and she agreed. In exchange for lodging, Jeremy would have to help around the house because my mother was sick and just out of the hospital. My mother had suffered from Crohn’s disease all her life and was in the middle of a flare-up when I transferred home.

Most nineteen-year-olds would be apprehensive about having a man they only met once come and live at their houses. At first, I thought stuff like that only happened in 1980s sitcoms like Who’s the Boss? or Perfect Strangers. But Jeremy fit in just fine. In April 2003, the two officially started dating, even though they had been living together for 3 months. He could spend hours watching Lifetime movies, which was a requirement for having a good relationship with my mother. Jeremy was the total opposite of Anthony, my mother’s ex-boyfriend. He had no desire to control her; all he needed was a beer and some potato chips to make him happy. Instead of telling her that she shouldn’t go out with her co-workers to happy hour, Jeremy would go with her and sometimes even pay for it.

Due to Jeremy’s presence in the house, for the first time in my twenty years, I could honestly say that my mother was happy. She had no more burdens; her mother was living in a retirement home, and she had a boyfriend who was open, flexible, and easy to get along with.

As the spring semester approached, I wanted to visit Randy’s suite at SUNY Albany just like I did at Geneseo with Diana, Vanessa, and Denise. SUNY Albany had twelve thousand undergraduates, and I would need to make new friends. At first, Randy said I could visit, and then he told me that Carmine just didn’t like me. I thought that it was strange that Carmine had such a hateful opinion of me with the little contact that I had with him in high school. I never really talked to Carmine in real life, only through e-mails. To ease the tension, I decided to write Carmine an e-mail and attempt to put the past behind us. He just deleted it.

On January 22, 2003, I went to my first day of classes at UAlbany. I was worried that if I ever ran into Carmine, I would hear his voice in my mind again. To ease my mind, I reminded myself that there were so many students at SUNY; the chance of randomly seeing Carmine was small. However, on that first day, I ran into him at the campus center. He put his glove over his face so he wouldn’t see me.

The classes were bigger, almost twice the size of SUNY Geneseo, and most of my instructors were graduate students working toward doctorates. However, I thrived in this environment. The atmosphere was less competitive and intimidating. There was less pressure—and I always did well when there was less pressure. My final grade point average for the semester was a 3.68, while my overall grade point average at Geneseo was barely over a 3.0. During my last two semesters of my undergraduate career, I would obtain a 4.0 GPA.

I also started working out at the local gym by my house. As part of my membership, I was given two personal training sessions. During the second session,