Love Is for Losers by Wibke Brueggemann (motivational books for men .TXT) 📕

use, because I knew she’d pick up, and James disappeared upstairs. Ten minutes later, he came back down, and he was like: “I’m going to get an Uber and go over to the hospital. Do you want to come?”

Me: No.

James: Bill signed a form to say Melanie shouldn’t be resuscitated. So … well, you know what that means.

Me:…

James:…

Me: Imagine having to do that.

James: I can’t actually.

Me: Imagine you’d have to sign one for Kate.

James: I couldn’t. But if it were the other way around, I wish she would. It’s fucked up, isn’t it?

Me: Totally fucked up. And Emma’s just there like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

James (thinking, then): I suppose it is. Dying is part of life, isn’t it?

Me: It scares me.

James: Me too.

Me: Do you know about her brother?

James (nodding): Yes, she told me I remind her of him. We both used to row at school.

Me (feeling like a massive idiot):…

James: You sure you don’t want to come?

Me (getting off the floor finally, after, like, three hours): I’m going to get everyone water and hoodies first. In case she doesn’t … you know … die like … soon.

James: I’ll wait for you out front.

When we got to the hospital, they’d moved Melanie to another room close to an operating room, because apparently she’s an organ donor, and the transplant team were basically waiting for her to stop breathing and clinically die, so they could take all the good bits ASAP and save other sick people.

It was all so grim and so ridiculous.

James enveloped Kate, and I sat down next to Emma.

Emma: You okay?

Me: Not really.

Emma (nodding):…

Me: You?

Emma: Not really.

Me:…

We sat for ages, not talking. Pat went into the room to be with Bill, and the rest of us just sat in the uncomfortable chairs.

Kate and James got everyone sandwiches from the café at one point, but no one was hungry.

Emma ate half of hers and passed me the other half, and I only ate it because it was there.

Kate came over and kind of knelt in front of Emma and was like: “Are you sure you’re happy to be here? Nobody would think less of you if you went home.”

Emma was like: “I’m fine. I want to be here, and my parents say it’s okay,” and then Kate was like: “All right, but if you change your mind, you let me know, okay? James or I can always take you home.”

Emma was like: “Thank you.”

Nurses went in every half hour or so to check on Melanie, even though they weren’t actually checking on her, but on the condition of her organs.

Emma and I went for a walk at one point, because I was freezing and getting twitchy just sitting there.

We walked all the way to the entrance to Richmond Park without saying a word, and then we turned around and walked back.

Emma: Are you thinking about Melanie?

Me: No.

Emma: What are you thinking about?

Me: About Bradley.

Emma: Me too.

Me: Was he in hospital when he died?

Emma (nodding):…

Me:…

Emma: I was there.

Me:…

Emma:…

Me: How did you know what to do? I mean when he was, you know, dying?

Emma (shrugging): I didn’t. Not really. I just kept stroking his arm. And I told him that I loved him.

Me:…

Emma: But in a really silly way, you know, like: I love you more than I love a Domino’s Cheese Feast. I love you more than I love Christmas. I love you more than, I don’t know, life.

Me: I hate that you had to do that.

Emma: I hate that he’s dead.

Me:…

Emma: My mum lost it the day we knew he was going to die. She wanted new drugs, new consultants, a new hospital. She just couldn’t accept it. I think I kept so calm because the whole time I was thinking what I would want if it were me instead of him. You know, you’d want someone there for your parents.

Me: I suppose so.

Emma: I know Melanie would want more than anything for someone to be with Bill right now so he doesn’t have to feel like he has to make really impossible decisions alone.

Me: Yes.

Emma: The worst thing is the emptiness after. It feels like someone has physically ripped your heart out, and you can’t breathe, and you can’t think, and all you know is that you’re lying on the floor, drooling.

Me:…

Emma: I still have dreams about him, you know. He’s alive, but because I know he’s going to die, I don’t want to see him, because I’m like: No, I watched you die already, I’m not doing it again. And sometimes when I wake up, I’m glad that it’s already over.

I didn’t know what to say to that, and so I took Emma’s hand and kissed the back of it, the way Kate sometimes does it to me.

Emma was like: “Stop being weird.” But I was like: “Fuck off, I’m not being weird, I’ve been wanting to kiss your hand for ages.”

She laughed, but that wasn’t even a lie.

Me: Do I have to go in and see Melanie?

Emma: No, of course not. It’s like Kate said, it’s about you now.

Me: I really don’t want to see her like that.

Emma: And that’s okay.

Me: Are you sure? Because I don’t want people thinking I’m a horrible person.

Emma: I don’t think anyone would think that.

Me: Pat would.

Emma: She already thinks you’re a horrible person.

Me:…

Emma (giggling then): Love you.

Me: Fuck off.

When we got back to the hospital, nothing had changed.

Bill came out briefly, and I gave him a hug, and then we just kept waiting.

At eight they moved Melanie again, because she hadn’t died in time for her organs to still be of any use to anyone. Apparently her entire body had been underoxygenated for too long. So she went upstairs into a nicer room without much machinery.

I didn’t look when they wheeled her past me.

James took Emma and me home at nine, even though we don’t have school tomorrow.

I’m waiting to hear now.

I can’t sleep.

I don’t want to sleep.

To think that a person is in the process of leaving this