Traveler by L.E. DeLano (book suggestions .txt) 📕

phone again, and I’m simultaneously wishing he’d leave me alone and really happy to know he misses me. My mind and my heart feel like they’re being tumble-dried.

I laugh at his suggestion, my face wreathed in smiles until I glance up and catch the look on Finn’s face. It hits me right in the chest like a ten-pound weight.

Sorry, I sign. It’s rough. Having her memories.

His face softens. I know, he signs.

I turn my attention back to my phone, reining in the nearly unrelenting urge to take Ben up on his offer.

I look up from my phone again, feeling a weird mix of guilt and happiness. This time, Finn is making an effort to concentrate on the TV, I guess to give me some privacy. I still feel like he can read every emotion running through me, though. I’d better end this conversation.

This week has been such an emotional roller coaster. In addition to adjusting to a world without sound, I’m having a really hard time living in my house.

My mother is rarely around. She’s got a good corporate job in this reality—one that pays for this lavish house and a team of therapists and aides who cycle in and out of Danny’s day, but her job keeps her working late almost every night, and by the time she gets home, she just wants to have a glass of wine and go to bed.

My dad in this reality is a complete nonentity. He walked out on us when I was three, and we haven’t seen him since. This is unlike any version of my father that I could ever imagine.

Danny is surrounded by caretakers most of the time. I haven’t been able to really interact with him much, and I get the feeling that like my Danny, he knows I’m an imposter. He just can’t verbalize it, and he’s keeping his distance because of it.

All in all, I feel like I’m not interacting much with my own family. The final cherry on top of this is that I’m warring with my own feelings on a daily basis. Finn and I are growing closer, and I know he feels it just as much as I do. He understands exactly what I’m going through in a way that Ben could never comprehend.

But this Jessa has been dating Ben for nearly a year. They met at her Mugsy’s, and she taught him sign language. They’re nearly inseparable, and they are in love.

They’re really, honestly in love. She loves him—I love him—and the memory of it is so strong, it’s wreaking havoc with my insides because I also want to spend more time with Finn, but I have to be discreet because I don’t want to blow anything for my counterpart.

All this has made me edgy and emotionally raw. I feel like I can’t share too much of it with Finn because it involves Ben so much, but I can’t exactly tell Ben about all of this, either. Every time he texts me to check on me, I feel like I bleed a little.

Mario has been absent on the overnights, so I guess he’s busy. Finn’s hasn’t had any contact with Rudy, so he’s not getting any answers, either. I am ready to burst.

On Saturday, Finn meets me for a walk in the park and I just completely lose it on him.

He doesn’t try to tell me it’ll get better. He just tells me he’s sorry, because he knows that sometimes, that’s all you can say.

We are standing in the park by a pond, snow is falling all around, and I am cursing myself for not remembering to bring Kleenex, because I’m crying all over the front of his shirt. I feel him lift my chin, and he wipes my face with his fingertips.

Thanks, I sign.

I’m not blowing your nose for you, he signs back.

I laugh, and I’m sure it sounds as awkward as it feels. He doesn’t seem to notice, though. He pulls me into him and I rest my face against his chest. He’s warm and real and the only anchor I have in this swirling sea of feelings and frustration.

He pulls back and I feel him laugh.

What? I sign.

You’d better stop crying before you freeze to my shirt, he signs.

Right, I sign, stepping back.

He looks around, which is kind of silly, considering we aren’t going to be overheard. Not unless somebody knows sign language.

Hey, he signs. How would you like to get away from here for a little while?

You mean away from the park, or “away” away?

He grins conspiratorially. “Away” away.

Won’t Mario get mad? I don’t want us to get in trouble and end up getting night terrors or something.

We’ll only be gone half an hour. Besides, I have permission. Rudy and I talked last night and he suggested that I take you away for a little while. He thinks you’re under too much stress. He’ll handle Mario for you.

Do you have someplace in mind? I ask.

I thought a little glitter mousse might cheer you up.

I smile, my eyes darting around. It’s like I expect Mario to leap out of the bushes like an avenging angel, ready to smite us or something.

Okay, I sign. I’d love to. Let’s get back home while Danny is busy with his therapist.

Why? he responds. We’ve got a pond right in front of us.

Are you serious? It’s freezing. We’ll get soaked.

You’ll transfer as soon as you touch it. If you do it right, the only thing getting wet will be your fingertips.

If I do it right, I qualify.

You have to learn sometime. He shrugs. Come on. You’ve got this.

He leads me over to the pond’s edge. We’ll do this the easy way, he signs. But it’ll get our shoes muddy.

What’s the hard way? I ask.

He points at the footbridge that arches over the water. We jump.

From the bridge? That’s only about six feet above the water!

We’d have to shift fast, he agrees. But I don’t think you’re ready for that