The Crush by Ward Penelope (best book recommendations txt) 📕

angry or relieved to hear him say that. It felt like too little too late. “It would’ve been nice to know that three damn years ago,” I said loudly. It seemed the anger had won out.

“It wasn’t clear to me then. It took a while for me to see things the way I do now. My biggest fear back then was losing Farrah. I was sure you’d end up hurting her—or worse, taking her back to Charlotte with you. I was selfish more than anything else. When I caught you sneaking around with her, I felt betrayed. But over time, I’ve realized my anger was a reflection of my own struggle, not a reflection of you or anything you might have done.”

“When did you figure all this out?”

“Unfortunately, being out of work for so long, I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I started going to church, believe it or not.”

“Really? You’d never stepped inside a church, from what I recall…”

He chuckled. “I know. I was depressed and desperate. Just walked in one day in the middle of the week. It was me and a bunch of old people. But they were friendly, and I kept going on Sundays after that. There’s this counselor I met through the parish who volunteers his services. I’ve had a lot of meetings with him. He’s not a doctor or anything, but he’s become a good friend and helped me realize that all of my actions came down to a fear of being alone, of abandonment. My dependence on Farrah wasn’t healthy, and neither was my attitude toward you. It was more than just being angry at you for sneaking around behind my back. That shit went back to childhood.”

He lost me a little. “What do you mean…childhood?”

“I’ve always envied you—your ability to excel at everything that you tried, your ability to get girls, your ability to make something of yourself. In my mind, you had it all. It felt like you were taking the one thing I cherished, the only family I had left, when you could’ve had practically any other thing in the world. I didn’t understand why you needed Farrah, too. It was years of jealousy and envy coming to a head. That—along with never having dealt with my parents’ deaths—I just…snapped.”

I rubbed my temples. My head felt like it was going to explode as my emotions wavered between relief and anger over having wasted the past three years.

Through my silence, he continued. “It took me nearly getting killed in that accident to work on myself enough to see things clearer,” he said. “I’ve wanted to contact you so many times, but I never had the guts because I was ashamed of how I handled everything.” He exhaled. “But when I found out about your mother and that you were back, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.”

I sighed. “I get why you were disappointed that Farrah and I went behind your back, but I never meant to hurt you. My feelings for Farrah were genuine.”

“I don’t think I realized how deep Farrah’s feelings for you were until you left. It fucked her up. I understand that it was more than just a fling between you two. It had nothing to do with me, but I made it about me.”

My heart lurched. I didn’t want to hear how badly I’d devastated Farrah, even if I’d always known that was the case.

“She was messed up,” he said again. “But after a while, things changed. I don’t know how to explain it. She seemed to get over it, but at the same time, she sort of hardened. And she’s been that way ever since.” He shook his head. “I blame myself.”

“How is she handling things with you…after your accident and everything?” I asked, though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “How is she overall?”

“The accident happened about a year after you left. I was in a rehabilitation center for a while. When I was released, Farrah had to take care of me before I built my strength back up. There were several months where I could hardly walk. She’d come home from work and have to deal with my shit. It was a wonder she didn’t lose her mind.”

“All of this…it’s why you guys moved…”

“Yeah. How did you know?”

“I drove by. Saw another family living there. The girl next door confirmed you didn’t live there anymore.”

“I had to stop working and started collecting disability. We couldn’t afford that mortgage. I knew if we sold the house and bought a smaller one, there’d be some money left over for Farrah’s education.”

“She’s not working at the law firm anymore, I take it?”

“She finally started school last year.” He smiled. “Because a lot of her classes are in the morning, she quit the old job, and now she waits tables at Mayaka. We used the last of our savings—the money we got from the big house—to pay off the shitty place we live in now. So the money she makes can go toward school.”

It made me proud that Farrah was finally in college. It seemed like the only good thing out of any of the stuff he’d just told me.

“I’m sorry things have been tough.”

“Enough about me,” Nathan said. “How have you been? How long are you here?”

“I don’t know. At least a month or two. Maybe more. When Mom died, my father was in the process of selling the company and getting ready to retire. He has a buyer, but it hasn’t changed hands yet. It’s not set in stone. I don’t know what to do with him—whether to help him sell the house and take him back to North Carolina with me or what. He’s lost without her.”

“I can only imagine. Your parents were the poster children for a happy marriage.”

I took a few moments to soak in the sight of Nathan in front of me. “I have to say, it’s pretty surreal, sitting here