The Crush by Ward Penelope (best book recommendations txt) 📕

Jace’s breath hitched. “So you’re saying you’re with this guy because you don’t care one way or the other if things work out?”

“It feels safe.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.”

Jace searched my eyes. “Listen, I didn’t ask you to make time for me so I could undermine your decisions. I just want to say what I needed to say to you the other day before my nerves got the best of me.”

I stopped walking. “What is there left to say? Nothing is going to change what happened.”

As we stood face to face, the sun reflected in Jace’s blue eyes. “I just…want you to know that if I could do everything over again, I would’ve stayed. I know that’s not what you want to hear. And it’s too little too late. But I still want to explain myself.” He kicked the ground a bit, looking tormented. “My guilt was off the charts back then. I let it rule my decisions. And of course, I thought Nathan didn’t have the capacity to forgive me. Everything I see now, in retrospect, makes me even more sorry I didn’t follow my heart and stay with you. There was no part of me that wanted to leave. At the time, I felt like I was doing you a favor. I know it’s too late to change the past, but I want you to know how damn sorry I am that I hurt you.”

His eyes were filled with regret. I did believe he was sorry. It just didn’t change anything for me. I could forgive him, but I couldn’t trust him.

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I don’t harbor any ill will toward you, Jace.” I rubbed over my arms and gazed out at the street before looking back at him. “But I’ve worked really hard to come out of the darkness I fell into after you left. I was lovesick. The way I overcame that was to train myself not to feel anything. When you practice being numb for long enough, it actually sticks. That’s sort of where I am right now.”

“That breaks my fucking heart,” he said.

“Well, mine broke a long time ago. But whaddya know…I’ve figured out that you don’t actually need one to function.”

Jace shook his head. “Nathan told me how tough things were after his accident. The way you got him through that and managed to land on your feet is commendable. I’m proud of you for that and for enrolling in school, too.”

“There’s nothing commendable about starting college late.” I chuckled. “But thanks.”

Jace exhaled, seeming frustrated. “Farrah, tell me what to do. Tell me what you need from me. Is it to not come around again? I only agreed to come over today because I thought you weren’t going to be here. I don’t want to upset you.”

There was no simple answer to that question, but telling him to stay away wasn’t right.

“I don’t want you to stop being there for Nathan, even if it’s hard for me to see you. My brother needs you. He needs that friendship back.” I paused, thinking back to Nathan’s accident and how I’d thought I was going to lose him. My voice trembled. “He almost died. And as much as you say you’re proud of me, I’m ten times prouder of him. I’ve forgiven him for what he did to me—to us. And I forgive you for leaving, too, okay? But one thing I can’t do is be the girl I was when you left. She’s gone.”

He looked at me for the longest time as he processed my words.

“Fair enough.” He nodded as he looked down at his shoes. “I understand, Farrah. Thank you for saying you forgive me. That means more to me than you realize.”

When he met my eyes again, the intensity of his stare caused me to look away. “You still don’t know how long you’re staying?” I asked.

“I don’t feel ready to go back. My father is not in a good place mentally. He needs my help. Honestly, anything I’d be going back to in Charlotte is more in shambles than what’s here. And that’s saying a lot.”

I had so many questions about that girlfriend of his—about his life over the past few years. “You said your girlfriend…broke up with you?”

“She thinks I have unfinished business here. She says I won’t be able to move on with my life until I’ve settled it. She chose to give me the freedom to do that.”

That made me anxious. What was left to settle? I needed to get out of this conversation. “I’d better get back,” I said. “I’m going to be late for work.”

“Yeah. Of course. I’ve got to get home and check on Dad anyway.”

We walked back to the house in tense silence. When we stopped in front of Jace’s truck, once again he looked deeply into my eyes. I was terrified that he might try to hug me, and I prayed he didn’t, because I didn’t want to feel all of the emotions I knew being touched by him would elicit.

He kept his distance and simply said, “Have a good night at work.”

“Thanks.”

Turning around, I walked to the house without looking back.

Inside, my brother was still sitting on the couch.

“What was that all about?” he asked.

“Nothing you need to be concerned with. Jace and I haven’t seen much of each other since he’s been back. We needed to talk. He mainly wanted to make sure I was okay with his coming around here to see you.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him it was fine. I’m not going to stop you guys from rebuilding your friendship. I know how much he meant to you at one time, even if you did single-handedly ruin that relationship.”

A look of genuine sadness crossed Nathan’s face. “Listen…I know how much he meant to you, too. And I fucked that up. I’ve told you countless times how sorry I am about the way I reacted. But watching you today,