Missing the Big Picture by Donovan, Luke (great book club books txt) 📕

I ended up graduating from the University of Albany in the fall of 2004, but I was still lost. I had worked very hard when I was in college, dedicating myself to completing research papers and studying sociological theories. I ended up graduating summa cum laude with a grade point average of 3.85. Despite all my academic success, I had no direction. I was always living in the moment, the here and now, and even though I loved the university, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I thought about being an attorney just because I wanted to be financially successful. Ironically, after I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in sociology, I just wanted to work full time at the group home. I loved it so much, and it didn’t matter that I was only making a little more than minimum wage. I knew that I could not do it as my full time job, only part-time. I did have an attitude that I was not going to work at just above minimum wage after I worked hard in college for the past 4 years.

After graduation, I had several job interviews: one for an auto insurance company and three for positions working with the developmentally disabled. I took each job interview very seriously and would harass the individuals I interviewed with to find out if they selected me. If I didn’t get offered a position, I would be overcome with disappointment and shame, and it would take me days to get over it.

I was eventually offered a job working as an employment specialist for people with developmental disabilities. The woman who was my potential supervisor was extremely kind. I originally accepted the position but called a few days later and turned it down, just telling her in a voicemail that I wasn’t going to work for her. I called her back a few hours later, and she encouraged me to meet with her in person to discuss my concerns. I went to her office, and she told me that I would be perfect for the position. She offered me coffee to drink and complimented me on my dress attire. I told her all my concerns, like how I wanted to keep my other job, and she was willing to work through all of them. I told her that I would call her the next day, and again in a voicemail, I said I wouldn’t be accepting the position. Ultimately, I didn’t take the position because it was only $11.33 an hour, or $20,600 a year. Financially, it would have paid all my bills. I was still living at home and had few expenses, besides my student loans. I didn’t think about moving out then, and I knew my mother wouldn’t want me to anyway. To her I was still a little boy who heard voices, and even though she never mentioned it, she always felt that she had to take care of me, like I was a patient in a mental health facility.

I look back at the situation and think that the one thing that always kept me from obtaining happiness was that I always wanted more. We are always greedy, always shooting for the best, and in a way, we are never really satisfied. This woman was so kind and generous, and I totally pushed her away. It was like I wanted to avoid anybody who was nice to me and instead acted as a magnet for anybody who would put me down.

After I turned down that position, my opinion about the group home started to change. The staff, mostly young girls, had become cliquey and chatty. So, I ended up working for a day habilitation program operated by another service provider for individuals with developmental disabilities. It was actually less money than the employment specialist position, but it had better hours so that I was able to keep my part-time job at the Center. The day program was tough. I was in a module with twenty-nine developmentally disabled adults, most of whom had psychiatric issues as well. I was making less than eighteen thousand dollars a year, and that was above average because I had a bachelor’s degree. The staffers without college educations started at fifteen thousand dollars annually. The program was usually understaffed and had high amounts of turnover. In the module in which I worked, the average staff member worked there only six months. Many clients had behavioral difficulties and extensive needs. Many hardworking staff members—a large percentage of them single mothers—endured getting beat up, spit on, and urinated on for several pennies above minimum wage. Even though I was making less than what the employment specialist position offered me, I knew my job there would be temporary. I applied to become a full-time graduate student to study social work.

In the fall of 2005, I started graduate school at the University of Albany. At the time I was still unfamiliar with the field of social work, but I wanted to stay in school. It was always my problem that I just wanted to avoid certain things. In a way, I was scared to grow up. I was out of college, and I just didn’t want to face the realities of the real world. Ironically, I was very happy the six months that I spent working at the day program, making nothing. At twenty-two, I didn’t know that happiness was in the eye of the beholder. I had graduated early, so I loved knowing that I was ahead of the game and my friends were still in college. I had no real sense of identity, so my source of happiness came from accomplishing tasks that I knew other people hadn’t yet reached.

I knew the importance of getting an advanced degree in order to maintain a competitive employment position. The only problem was, I didn’t know what exactly to do. The SUNY Albany social work program was quite competitive and