Deep (Heavy Hearts Book 2) by Sarah Duncan (reading tree txt) 📕

Sitting at the kitchen bar, I watch her cook the toast and pour me some juice before I give my thanks and nibble on the crust, not really feeling all that hungry.

“Was that true, what Marcus said this morning? Are you struggling with nightmares and sleep?”

I nod, not wanting to talk about it. Keeping my eyes cast down at my plate, I’m hoping to avoid the pity I know will be in Andrea’s eyes. I hear her sigh, and she turns back to finish washing the dishes.

“I have the morning free. How about we go and buy some new bedsheets and things to make that bedroom less creepy?”

I can’t help it. I laugh and nearly spit out the piece of vegemite toast that was in my mouth.

“That would be good, thank you. I have my card, so I’ll pay for it.”

“Lexi, you should keep your money. I can buy them for you.” Andrea comes to stand in front of me on the other side of the counter, but I shake my head.

“Thank you, but I’d rather buy my own things if it’s okay with you?”

Andrea studies me for a moment and then nods. “That’s totally fine, honey.”

So that’s how I spend my Friday morning, my first day of suspension, with Andrea buying new things to help me turn Rachel’s old room into my new temporary room. Even though it’s not necessary, I appreciate Andrea trying to make me feel more welcome. Of course, it doesn’t have her desired effect, but I’m not going to burst her bubble and tell her that I feel like an intruder.

While we’re out, I get a new set of earphones and fill my pill script so I can try to get that back on track. We talk while we shop, and the whole experience makes me feel sad. Is this what it would be like if my mum were normal? Would we go on shopping trips together? It’s not something I can ever picture my mum doing, but there’s still a part of me that hopes we could have a better relationship.

Andrea uses our time together to ask about the things Tasha did to me at school, and I admit to her that I have been struggling to control my anger and that it feels like it’s consuming me. She tries to make me feel better by reminding me it’s probably normal to be feeling anger after what I’ve been through, and then she grins and lightens the mood telling me she couldn’t stop laughing when she asked Ayden what happened to his nose yesterday and he told her I had clocked him.

“I know some of your anger is coming from what happened in Melbourne.” In typical Andrea style, she says exactly what she’s thinking. I can’t even escape the conversation because we’re in her car driving back home. “That’s understandable too. We were meant to keep you safe when you were with us in Melbourne, Lexi, and we failed.”

“No, that’s not true.” I insist, even though I do feel bitter about it. It shouldn’t have surprised me, though. All the other adults in my life had let me down, so what was a couple more?

“It is true, Lexi. I also need you to know that Ayden isn’t normally like how he was after the party with Muz. He’s only ever like that when he’s coming down off his high. That’s what those drugs do to him. They change who he is.”

“He should have let me take some of them too, so it didn’t affect him so bad.” Guilt squeezes my heart, remembering that night all too vividly. He had me kicked out of the room so I couldn’t snort the white powder when Muz forced his hand.

“He thought he was doing the right thing, honey. He told me he was scared that you would like the drugs, and then he’d lose you like…” Andrea trails off, obviously unsure how much I know about Ayden’s past.

“Like Dani?”

Her brows shoot up in surprise, and she nods, trying to keep her eyes on the road. “He told you about Dani?”

“Yeah, he did.”

“Well, you get it then. He could never live with himself if something happened to you, Lexi.”

I don’t say anything to that, and she frowns, “I’m surprised he hasn’t told you how sorry he is about everything that happened.”

“He has, kind of. I haven’t really given him much of a chance.”

Andrea smiles, “Well, you have been through a lot. You take all the time you need. He can sweat it out a bit.”

I smile back, grateful to have her in my life. I know I need to learn how to move past this bitterness that’s weighing me down. It’s fuel to my anger. Anger which scares me, to be honest. I don’t want to lose control ever again like I did with Tasha yesterday. I don’t want to become a monster like my brother.

When we get back to the house, Andrea helps me transform the creepy lilac bedroom into a contemporary lilac room with a hint of Lexi here and there. No more creepy dolls, no more floral, just white and grey tones that create a calmer space. I appreciate the time she has taken out of her day to spend with me, and it even surprises me when she makes me a sandwich before she leaves for her shift at the hospital. I never knew mums were like this.

Now alone in the house, I throw myself on my newly decorated bed and pull out my phone, noticing a voicemail, some messages from Rhys and Ayden, plus a heap of messages in the boy's group chat, which has been renamed to Lexi’s pack of hot beefcakes. That has to be Simon’s doing.

I open the group messages first.

Jared Crowley

What does one do when they don’t have to go to school, Lexi?

Simon Hastings

We miss you!

Do you miss us?

Shaun Bossier

Of course, she misses us. We are HOT!

Marcus Grady

You’re an idiot, Bossi!

Simon Hastings

We