Short Fiction by O. Henry (librera reader txt) 📕

This would make a fine Elsie story of the old sort. I’d like to do this; but there’s just a word or two to follow.

While Elsie was admiring herself in the mirror, Mr. Otter went to the telephone booth and called up some number. Don’t ask me what it was.

“Oscar,” said he, “I want you to reserve the same table for me this evening.⁠ ⁠… What? Why, the one in the Moorish room to the left of the shrubbery.⁠ ⁠… Yes; two.⁠ ⁠… Yes, the usual brand; and the ’85 Johannisburger with the roast. If it isn’t the right temperature I’ll break your neck.⁠ ⁠… No; not her⁠ ⁠… No, indeed⁠ ⁠… A new one⁠—a peacherino, Oscar, a peacherino!”

Tired and tiresome reader, I will conclude, if you please, with a paraphrase of a few words that you will remember were written by him⁠—by him of Gad’s Hill, before whom, if you doff not your hat, you shall stand with a covered pumpkin⁠—aye, sir, a pumpkin.

Lost, Your Excellency. Lost Associations and Societies. Lost, Right Reverends and Wrong Reverends of every order. Lost, Reformers and Lawmakers, born with heavenly compassion in your hearts, but with the reverence of money in your souls. And lost thus around us every day.

The Clarion Call

Half of this story can be found in the records of the Police Department; the other half belongs behind the business counter of a newspaper office.

One afternoon two weeks after Millionaire Norcross was found in his apartment murdered by a burglar, the murderer, while strolling serenely down Broadway ran plump against Detective Barney Woods.

“Is that you, Johnny Kernan?” asked Woods, who had been nearsighted in public for five years.

“No less,” cried Kernan, heartily. “If it isn’t Barney Woods, late and early of old Saint Jo! You’ll have to show me! What are you doing East? Do the green-goods circulars get out that far?”

“I’ve been in New York some years,” said Woods. “I’m on the city detective force.”

“Well, well!” said Kernan, breathing smiling joy and patting the detective’s arm.

“Come into Muller’s,” said Woods, “and let’s hunt a quiet table. I’d like to talk to you awhile.”

It lacked a few minutes to the hour of four. The tides of trade were not yet loosed, and they found a quiet corner of the café. Kernan, well dressed, slightly swaggering, self-confident, seated himself opposite the little detective, with his pale, sandy mustache, squinting eyes and ready-made cheviot suit.

“What business are you in now?” asked Woods. “You know you left Saint Jo a year before I did.”

“I’m selling shares in a copper mine,” said Kernan. “I may establish an office here. Well, well! and so old Barney is a New York detective. You always had a turn that way. You were on the police in Saint Jo after I left there, weren’t you?”

“Six months,” said Woods. “And now there’s one more question, Johnny. I’ve followed your record pretty close ever since you did that hotel job in Saratoga, and I never knew you to use your gun before. Why did you kill Norcross?”

Kernan stared for a few moments with concentrated attention at the slice of lemon in his highball; and then he looked at the detective with a sudden, crooked, brilliant smile.

“How did you guess it, Barney?” he asked, admiringly. “I swear I thought the job was as clean and as smooth as a peeled onion. Did I leave a string hanging out anywhere?”

Woods laid upon the table a small gold pencil intended for a watch-charm.

“It’s the one I gave you the last Christmas we were in Saint Jo. I’ve got your shaving mug yet. I found this under a corner of the rug in Norcross’s room. I warn you to be careful what you say. I’ve got it put on to you, Johnny. We were old friends once, but I must do my duty. You’ll have to go to the chair for Norcross.”

Kernan laughed.

“My luck stays with me,” said he. “Who’d have thought old Barney was on my trail!” He slipped one hand inside his coat. In an instant Woods had a revolver against his side.

“Put it away,” said Kernan, wrinkling his nose. “I’m only investigating. Aha! It takes nine tailors to make a man, but one can do a man up. There’s a hole in that vest pocket. I took that pencil off my chain and slipped it in there in case of a scrap. Put up your gun, Barney, and I’ll tell you why I had to shoot Norcross. The old fool started down the hall after me, popping at the buttons on the back of my coat with a peevish little .22 and I had to stop him. The old lady was a darling. She just lay in bed and saw her $12,000 diamond necklace go without a chirp, while she begged like a panhandler to have back a little thin gold ring with a garnet worth about $3. I guess she married old Norcross for his money, all right. Don’t they hang on to the little trinkets from the Man Who Lost Out, though? There were six rings, two brooches and a chatelaine watch. Fifteen thousand would cover the lot.”

“I warned you not to talk,” said Woods.

“Oh, that’s all right,” said Kernan. “The stuff is in my suitcase at the hotel. And now I’ll tell you why I’m talking. Because it’s safe. I’m talking to a man I know. You owe me a thousand dollars, Barney Woods, and even if you wanted to arrest me your hand wouldn’t make the move.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” said Woods. “You counted out twenty fifties without a word. I’ll pay it back some day. That thousand saved me and⁠—well, they were piling my furniture out on the sidewalk when I got back to the house.”

“And so,” continued Kernan, “you being Barney Woods, born as true as steel, and bound to play a white man’s game, can’t lift a finger to arrest the man you’re indebted to. Oh, I have to study men as well as Yale locks and window