Amber by Heather Burnside (fb2 epub reader .txt) 📕

She walked into the bathroom and examined herself using a cosmetic mirror prised between her legs. She could see that she was swollen down below, which would explain the soreness. There was also some bruising at the tops of her thighs where the man had used his hands to wrench them open. Amy knew she’d have to tell her mother she was swollen otherwise she would line up other men before she’d had a chance to heal.

She dreaded telling her. Even though Amy had now been entertaining men for several months, at the behest of her mother, she was still ashamed about what was happening. She also felt embarrassed every time her mother brought up the subject.

Amy walked into the kitchen to find her brother doing his homework at the table. He was so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn’t even look up to acknowledge her presence.

When Loretta entered the kitchen, Amy was pouring some cereal into a bowl. She decided to confront her mother as soon as possible to get it over and done with. ‘Mum, can I have a word with you?’ she began, her voice shaking.

Loretta didn’t look her best. Her hair was messy, and she still had remnants of last night’s makeup daubed on her face. After her excesses of the previous night, Amy guessed that her mother must have been feeling as bad as she looked when she snapped at her, ‘Yeah, what is it?’

Amy glanced across at Nathan. ‘Not here, it’s private. Can we go in the living room?’

Nathan tutted and carried on with his homework while Loretta followed Amy into the lounge.

Once they were in the other room, Amy checked to make sure her mother had shut the door then lowered her head and said quietly, ‘I’m sore and swollen down below.’

‘Bastard!’ muttered Loretta but Amy didn’t know whether she was referring to the potential loss of income or the man who had damaged her. Her meaning became clearer when she said, ‘OK, I’ll make sure he doesn’t come round again.’

‘Thanks,’ said Amy. ‘But… well…’

‘Come on, Amy. Out with it.’

‘Well, I was thinking, I’ll be too sore to do it again tonight.’

‘OK, I’ll cancel. But you need to get a salt bath, twice a day, then we’ll see how you go on.’

Amy was relieved. That would give her a few days’ reprieve at least and she decided that she might even carry it on for a bit longer.

Amy had been seeing two to three men a week since not long after she’d finally agreed to her mother’s wishes, and she was still only thirteen. She was regularly taking time off school because she was so exhausted from the night-time activity.

Consequently, Amy found herself getting more and more behind with her schoolwork, and often felt out of place in the classroom as she struggled to keep up with her peers. She’d been tempted many a time to confide in someone about the abuse, but several things prevented her from doing so.

Firstly, it was the overpowering sense of shame at confiding in anybody else about what she did. Secondly, it was the fear of losing the family home and the knock-on effects of that; her and Nathan in care and her mother on the streets or maybe even committing suicide if she couldn’t cope with things. And thirdly, she was frightened of encountering her mother’s wrath. Loretta was an unpredictable drunk who knew Amy’s dirty little secret and Amy was afraid that she would reveal it to the world if she did anything to upset her.

Amy hated what she had to do. Apart from the shame and humiliation, she was often tired and sore, and always felt envious of Nathan who was being given a better chance in life. She’d been tempted on a couple of occasions to end it all. It seemed like the only escape from the life she was trapped in. But she didn’t feel brave enough to do it.

The only consolation was that by doing what she was doing she was keeping her mother happy. Whenever she had entertained a man her mother would be extra nice to her. And, despite what she had to do, it was good to receive the approval she had always sought. It made her recall the time when Dale had been around, and she desperately wished it could be like that now.

47

January 2016

When Amber walked into the living room that afternoon, her mother and Nathan were arguing again. Amber was glad she sometimes got a break from all the tension by staying at Kev’s despite his mood swings although it was usually by invitation only. She wouldn’t dream of turning up at his place unannounced, sensing that he wouldn’t be happy with the lack of control.

This time Amber was surprised to find her mother having a go at Nathan rather than the other way round. She had obviously had a drink, which had given her the confidence to tackle him, but she hadn’t yet reached the stage where she was incoherent.

Nathan gave Amber a cursory glance as she walked into the room, but her mother’s focus was on him. Her words told Amber that it was probably because she was after money, which he was unwilling to give.

‘Y’know, Nathan, you’ve been such a disappointment to me. I always thought you would take after your father, but I was so wrong.’

‘Save it, Mother. The emotional blackmail won’t work anymore.’

‘I’m not trying to blackmail anyone; I’m just pointing out the difference. Your father was a real man and a very generous one too. He always saw to it that we didn’t go without; Dale too for that matter, but not you, oh no!’

‘Have you ever stopped to consider that I might not want to take after either of them. They were both mugs for putting up with you. No wonder Dale fucked off back to his wife if all he saw was you pissed out of your head half the time.

‘How