Messiahs by Matt Rogers (bookstand for reading txt) 📕

observation. When you sit there with your eyes closed, your purpose isn’t to think nothing. It’s to observe your thoughts as they enter your mind, watch them with a keen eye, and let them float on by. It allows you to separate yourself from the rash impulses of anger, greed, fear, envy. In everyday life you can catch those thoughts better, realise they aren’t you, let them go…

He did that now.

As the reality he knew slipped away, he didn’t give in. It would be so easy … he felt so damn good. Just accepting Dane’s words would open the floodgates and he’d slip into unimaginable pleasure, but if there was one thing on this earth Will Slater was accustomed to, it was denying himself pleasure. Every neuron in his brain pleaded with him to let go, to give himself over, to tear down the walls in his head and become one with what he was experiencing.

He wanted more than anything to fully embrace the compound, let Dane become the messiah.

He held strong.

Dane whispered the mantras of the cause for what might have been ten minutes, but felt like ten years.

Slater let the words come in, watched them try to attach themselves to his heightened subconscious…

Watched them fail.

He imagined himself as a rock golem, impenetrable, detached from the world around him as it morphed and twisted and pulsed and throbbed and—

In his ear, Dane whispered, ‘Let me in. Become one with the creed.’

Slater looked up at the man, smiled and winked. The gesture took focus like he couldn’t comprehend, but he did it.

Dane stood there, his face kind and benevolent, but the eyes never lie.

Slater saw every atom of his irises, every detail in his pupils.

There was frustration there.

He latched onto Dane’s irritation and managed the words, ‘Keep trying.’

Dane bent down and gripped his throat.

73

Violetta intercepted King in the exterior corridor, outside the door leading to the male and female bathrooms.

There was no one else in sight, but the window might not last long.

She kissed him briefly on the lips, more to steady herself. His presence warmed her. His touch spread calm in her.

She stepped away and saw he was pale.

She said, ‘What is it? I saw the look on your face from across the room.’

He filled her in with a brief summary of what had unfolded. She soaked it in without emotion, then mulled it over, her handler side kicking in.

She said, ‘So what’s changed? You were okay before dinner.’

‘There’s no way Dane didn’t find the body,’ King said. ‘That’s what I’ve realised. Believing otherwise is idiocy.’

‘He hasn’t done anything yet.’

‘But he will. Don’t you see? This is his last stand. I never should have given Slater the go-ahead.’

‘You think Dane will try to kill him?’ Violetta said, stepping closer to King. ‘Think about that for a second. Stop and take a breath. That would go disastrously for him.’

‘No,’ King said, shaking his head. ‘Dane’s switched on. He knows his limitations. I think he’ll use Bodhi.’

‘How?’

‘By slipping it to him.’

Violetta considered the ramifications, the mental destruction that might ensue. And Slater had been uncomfortable taking a microdose for the sake of his cover. What would a full dose do to him?

‘You’re just guessing,’ she said. ‘It’ll be fine. He’ll be back in no time.’

King said, ‘Something tells me I’m right.’

Violetta went quiet, considered the consequences.

She said, ‘If he doesn’t come back, we move tonight.’

‘Yeah,’ King said. ‘Maybe.’

Distant footsteps drew closer.

Violetta said, ‘But where’s Dane taken him?’

King’s jaw was tense as he said, ‘I have no idea.’

He walked into the bathroom before anyone spotted them together.

74

Slater’s heart thudded, and it was all he could concentrate on.

The more he worried about it, the worse it got.

130 beats per minute.

140 beats per minute.

150…

160…

Dane said, ‘You’re sweating.’

His voice was like thunder.

Dane said, ‘Listen to my voice. Feel its weight. Feel me moving the earth beneath you. Feel.’

The earth moved.

Slater knew it was all in his own head, but just because you know something’s not real doesn’t make it any less terrifying. The cabin shook, glowing and pulsing and swirling.

Somewhere in the overworked pleasure centre of his brain, a voice of reason pushed through.

If you can show lucidity now, Slater thought, you will break him.

All it’s going to take is one massive push.

Do it.

Do it right now.

All of him screamed to lose himself to the pleasure. To loll his head back, listen to Dane’s words, and allow them to change him. It was beyond enticing.

But he’d built his life on denying himself pleasure.

What Dane hadn’t taken into consideration was Will Slater’s ability to embrace pain. Right now, it hurt his mind to keep the effects of the drugs at bay. It hurt so goddamn much.

But that’s where he lived, day in, day out.

He went towards it.

Dane grabbed him by the throat again and looked down into his eyes. ‘See, my child. See the light.’

Slater stared back.

He opened his mouth to speak.

He saw Dane’s eyes swell with excitement.

Slater said, ‘Do you know how fucking stupid you sound?’

Dane’s face fell.

Slater smacked his hand aside, got up, and walked across the room. It took unbelievable effort. Everything swayed. Disassociation made his legs feel like jelly, demanding that he stumble and fall and come to rest on the floor, relishing the sheer stimulation of the drugs.

He refused.

He absolutely refused.

He made it to the door and threw it open.

Behind him, Dane’s voice filled his head. ‘You’re not going to go out there. It’s dark. Think of the unknowns. You’ll be terrified.’

Slater stared into the void.

The darkness warped then constricted, throbbing like it was alive. His mind ran through the possibilities — wild animals stalking him in the shadows, disciples hunting him across the prairie.

It’s not real, he told himself. None of it is real.

Dane said, ‘Come back to me. Back to the warmth. Take a seat, put your feet up, enjoy the moment. Listen to what I have to say. I’ll show you how the world really works.’

How the world really works?

It works by confronting your fears.

Slater smiled