Kate in Waiting by Becky Albertalli (ereader with android txt) 📕

least not so directly. “What’s up?” I ask softly. Probably too softly. Probably he won’t even hear me through the door. Probably—

“Hey!” Matt cracks the door open. “Can I come in?”

“Sure. Everything okay?”

“I’m okay,” he says quickly, stepping inside. He shuts the door carefully behind him. “Are you okay?”

I scoot back against the headboard of my bed, lips twitching into a smile. Matt’s just such a world-class bean. He’s so fundamentally nice. And listen. I may be unbearably clueless and an all-around hopeless case of a girl, but at least I didn’t fall for someone terrible. I have excellent taste in guys I can’t have.

Matt plops right down beside me. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” I feel strange and unsteady. Mom and Ellen are already in their respective rooms, and I don’t even know where Ryan is. So we really are very much alone together, for the first time since Bruster’s.

“So,” Matt says, leaning back on his hands.

“I know you think I’m avoiding you because you’re gay,” I say quickly.

“Wait, what?” He sits back up, peering at my face. “Why would I think that?”

“I mean. I’ve been a shitty friend, and I haven’t been there for you at all, and—”

“No, no, no, no, no.” He shakes his head firmly. “Nope. Don’t you dare steal my apology moment.”

“What could you possibly have to apologize for?”

“Because.” He blushes. “Kate, I’m so sorry. I know Andy told you about—”

My heart leaps into my throat. “You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I know, but I feel bad. I do.”

“No. Matt!” I’m so panicked, I can’t even think straight. My brain feels fuzzy and my stomach won’t stop flipping and I swear, I don’t know how people do this. How do people admit this kind of thing and say it out loud and have it not be a big deal? Someone knowing you like them. Or even liked them. I can’t make it not a big deal. “Matt, you can’t—”

“I feel awful, Kate. That ride home today? You and Andy mean everything to each other.” He sniffs—so quietly, I barely even hear it.

I swallow, trying desperately not to cry. “Matt, I don’t even know what you think you did wrong. I’m happy for you guys. I am.”

And it’s funny. In this heartbeat of a moment, I really am. I’m so happy for them, I’m almost speechless. Andy’s first real kiss, and it’s with a boy he’s crazy about. With a boy who actually deserves him. And I get to be here to see it happen. I get to watch my best friend fall in love.

Suddenly, I’m crying.

Matt grabs my hand. “Kate—”

“You know I’m not mad, right?”

“I know,” Matt says, with that bright smile he does when he’s sad. “But I get it. It’s new territory for you guys. Andy told me this is the first time there’s ever been a guy in the picture for either of you.” He blushes suddenly, like he’s worried he said too much. “I don’t mean—”

I wipe my eyes, laughing. “It’s okay. I have no game. You can say it.”

“Okay, that’s totally not what I mean.” His laugh joins mine, just for a moment—but then his voice grows soft and serious. “All I’m saying is that I know it’s different. I know it’s always been the two of you, and now I’m here, and it’s this whole new kind of competition for his time and attention and—I don’t know, I’m not saying this right. I just want to make sure you know that I never, ever want to come between you guys.”

“No, I know,” I say slowly. And a thought starts edging into my brain. But I can’t quite catch it. “And you aren’t! I’m the one who’s been—”

“Nope. No taking blame. I just wanted to put that out there. You’re Anderson’s best friend, and I completely respect that. I never want to usurp that.”

“Usurp.” I smile. “SAT word?”

“SAT word.”

Then it hits me.

This conversation isn’t about my crush on Matt.

I replay the whole thing in my head, heart pounding. New territory. Competition for time and attention. Not wanting to come between us.

Holy shit.

Matt doesn’t know I had a crush on him.

Which means Anderson kept my secret. Here I was yelling at him in the bathroom and ignoring his texts and calling him a shitty friend, but still. He hid that entire piece of himself from Matt, just to keep from embarrassing me.

And I punished him anyway.

Scene 71

Now I’m desperate to talk to Anderson. It’s all I can think about. But the chances of me getting him alone during tech week are hovering somewhere between Nope and Not Happening.

Monday’s cue-to-cue lasts until eight, and except for when we’re onstage, Andy and I barely even see each other. Even after we finish, Andy’s stuck staying an extra hour to troubleshoot “Song of Love.” I honestly think we’d have a better shot at a private conversation in the middle of history class.

Maybe we should leave campus.

I’ve never done that. Not being able to drive does tend to interfere with that school-skipping lifestyle. But f-boys do it constantly. I mean, on any given day, at least two or three f-boy desks are empty. Even Noah’s absent from history class on Tuesday, though I happen to know he’s not living the lifestyle. Not today.

Here’s the thing. If I’m going to skip class, today’s the day for it. Mr. Edelman’s lecturing on the Founding Fathers, and God knows we have that info locked down. I keep glancing sideways at Anderson to see if he’s thinking the same Hamilton thoughts that I am. And sure enough, there he is, barely suppressing a smile. Dimples and all. And even though his eyes are glued to his notes, I think he knows I’m watching him.

But I can’t quite work up the nerve to poke him or pass a note or whisper his name. Which is crazy. This is Anderson. Not a crush. But there’s this awkwardness that comes with knowing I messed up. It makes me shy. And it