The End is Where We Begin by Maria Goodin (open ebook .txt) 📕

wonder if I’ve just woken him. Given that he’s a chronic insomniac, he chooses to nap at all kinds of hours. But his sleep patterns are the least of my worries.

“You won’t believe this! She’s just emailed me saying she wants to come and see Josh! No explanation as to why she suddenly wants to see him, apart from the fact that – quote – we haven’t had much of a relationship over the past few years. How about NO fucking relationship?! And who’s fault is that? She going to – quote – work around what’s convenient for us! Can you believe this? I mean, what the hell?! She even put two fricking kisses on the end! I mean, why now? He’s just going into his GCSE year and she thinks NOW is a good time to totally throw his life into chaos? This is just so bloody typical of her!”

My rant is initially met with silence. As I pace rapidly around the flat, I can hear Michael trying to kick his brain into gear.

“I take it we’re talking about Hellie here?” he says, his voice dry and groggy.

“Well, who else would be this bloody inconsiderate?! I mean, so this is it? This is how she gets back in contact? After all these years? NO mention of whether Josh might like to see her! NO mention of whether I’m happy for her to come waltzing back into our lives! Just an assumption that it will be fine. She even called him Joshua. I mean, she never even called him that when she was here! When the hell have we ever called him that?!”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Michael soothes. “I know you must be shaken—”

“I’m not shaken, I’m fucking livid!”

“Okay, listen, you know she’s not quite right. No sane person sends an email like that. She’s not all there, clearly.”

“Clearly!”

“Yeah, well, we know that, don’t we? I take it you haven’t told Josh about this.”

“No, he’s out.”

“Okay. Look, I’ll come over.”

“No, don’t come over. I just want to bash something and I don’t want it to be you. I mean, seriously, is that what you do after twelve years? Just drop a few lines in an email? Is she out of her mind? What does she even want?!”

“I don’t know, mate, she’s a law unto herself. Maybe she’s just decided she wants a relationship with him. Maybe she’s been doing some soul-searching like you and wants to make amends for the past. I mean, we all make mistakes—”

“Oh my God, are you seriously sticking up for her?!”

“No. Calm down. I’m just saying you always knew this was likely to happen. You’ve always said it probably would. I’m just trying to guess what might be going on in her—”

“She must know this is his GCSE year, right? I mean, she was schooled in the UK, so she does know how important this year is, right?”

“It might not have even crossed her mind. I mean, it’s not like she has any involvement in his education or—”

“Or anything. She’s had absolutely no fucking involvement in anything! Her son nearly died and I didn’t even know how to get hold of her! I just… I can’t believe… I mean… AGGHHH!”

“What the hell did you just kick?”

“The sofa. Shit, I think I might have broken my toe.”

“Look, take a deep breath and, whatever you do, don’t reply. Give it at least forty-eight hours.”

I slump down on the sofa and rub my foot, the phone clamped between my ear and shoulder.

“Jay?”

“What?!”

“Forty-eight hours.”

“Yes, yes, okay. I heard you.”

I sigh deeply.

“Anyway, sorry, how are you?” I ask, remembering he wasn’t having the greatest week either.

“I’m okay.”

“You feeling better now your meds have been sorted out?”

“Yeah, and I talked things through with Catherine, which helped.”

“I woke you, didn’t I?”

“It’s okay, I needed to get up. Tyler and Theo are doing an acoustic set down at the Canal House later and I’m going to pop down for a bit. You wanna come?”

I almost jump at the chance. Anything to take my mind off this email. But then I realise that Libby will probably be there. I’m not sure I can handle any more emotional turmoil right now. Then again, I’ve already signed up to helping her paint tomorrow morning, so what difference does it make? Plus, I think it’ll be okay. I’ve managed to put her out of my mind a bit the last couple of days. Perhaps whatever I thought I felt is dissipating with time.

“Yeah, I’ll come down for a bit,” I agree.

Once I hang up, I read through the email five more times, just to check it really is as outrageously brief and inappropriate as I remember. Josh is already struggling to focus on school. What’s this going to do to him? And what’s to say she can even be trusted? How many times did she let him down, tell him she’d be there when she wasn’t, before she finally abandoned him all together? It’s not that I don’t want them to have a relationship. She’s his mother. They should have a relationship. But I also need to protect him.

I know Michael’s right and I should wait forty-eight hours before replying, but I’m also impulsive when I’m in a rage and prone to ignoring good advice.

Hellie

Why the hell have you decided now is a good time

DELETE

Hellie

So you have finally decided you might be missing out on

DELETE

Hellie

I’m sure you’ll appreciate that with his exams approaching this is already a demanding year for Josh. It’s not simply a question of you turning up and seeing him. I never have – and never will – deny you access to your son, but we will need to discuss at length how best to handle this.

Jay

SEND

The Canal House is busy as ever on a Saturday night, but I go through to the back room where the band is playing, knowing Michael will be somewhere nearby. I spy him sitting on one of the leather sofas with Libby. They’re deep in conversation,