The Girl I Used to Be by Heidi Hostetter (that summer book .txt) 📕

“Well, that’s it then. With all those bills to pay, there’s only so much you can do.” Ellie sagged against the door. “Razing that house was a good idea though.”

Jill shrugged because there didn’t seem to be anything more to say. What she wanted to do and what she was able to do were two vastly different things.

Twenty-Seven

By the time they pulled the car into the garage at Dewberry Beach, the afternoon light had faded. Even before Jill switched off the ignition, she made sure the garage door was closed firmly behind them. This was the family weekend of the Light Up the Bay Festival, and activities would be scattered all over town. Besides the art auction she was hiding from, there were activities on the beach, and it was important that they didn’t draw any attention to this house. Jill needed the sale.

They climbed out of the car and gathered their stuff.

As they entered the house, Jill flicked on a kitchen light that couldn’t be seen from the street or the shore. Even after just a couple of days away, it was jarring to enter The Monstrosity. The interior space was meant to be lavish, but Jill still found it overwhelming and ostentatious. She much preferred the coziness of Ellie’s apartment. They dropped their bags and Ellie asked for directions to Marc’s office, which seemed an odd request but Jill let it go.

“Down the hallway, second on the left.” Jill moved to the windows, pulling the drapes firmly closed.

Ellie returned, stuffing a paper in her back pocket. “How ’bout if I go pick up food for us? I can go into town—no one will know who I am. You think anything’s open?”

“The deli should be.” Jill drew a map on the back of an envelope. “If you go there, be sure to bring back sides. The salads are really good.”

“Sides? Sure.” Ellie looked at her quizzically. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Just tired.” On second thought, Jill switched off the kitchen light. “Go get the food. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Okay. I’ll be back soon.” Ellie made her way to the front door, then turned. “I’m curious about something. That man you told me about—the one who didn’t like Marc? Chase something? What did you say his last name is again?”

“Bennett.” Jill pulled a blanket from a wicker basket and wrapped it around her shoulders. “Yeah, he didn’t like Marc at all. Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

After Ellie left, Jill made her way upstairs, intending to take a hot shower, but when she couldn’t summon the energy to stand, even for a few minutes, she drew a bath instead. She added the lavender bath salt that was meant for show and watched the ocean waves on the horizon. And when finally she wasn’t able to hold them back a minute longer, she let her thoughts drift to the art show at the Yacht Club. To the auction that was happening right this minute, and to the empty spot that should have been hers. She wondered if anyone would have liked the bridal portrait she’d planned to show, and then because it was too painful to think about, she decided it didn’t matter.

She stayed in the tub until the water grew cold, then toweled off and wrapped herself in a thick robe.

The real-estate agents were due to arrive early the following morning. They’d present the buyer’s offer and Jill would accept it, whatever it was. This time tomorrow, she and Ellie would be far away from Dewberry Beach. They might even be celebrating the start of Jill’s new life.

That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? A fresh start?

So why wasn’t she happier?

Ellie returned with food a while later, her hair and clothes windswept and her face pink from the cold. She nudged the door open with her hip, her arms filled with bags. As she entered the house, a gust of wind pushed past her, bringing with it the scent of woodsmoke and ocean air.

“You won’t believe what’s going on in town—the place is packed.” She set the bags on the table and peeled off her coat, tossing it on a chair. “I thought you said town would be deserted tonight.”

“I thought it would be. The art show is at the Yacht Club and that’s over by the bay.”

“That might be true, but there’s also some kind of street fair going on.” Ellie began unpacking the food: fat sandwiches and soda and tubs of salads. “Kids are running everywhere. Every shop door is propped wide open, and there are pumpkin string lights draped across the street.”

Jill had been there when the volunteers had strung the pumpkin lights and she remembered wondering what they would look like at night. She hadn’t been to a street fair since she was a kid. It sounded wonderful, and more than anything, Jill wished they could walk back into town to be part of it. But that wasn’t possible of course. Ellie could, but Jill wouldn’t be welcome there and the realization stung.

“Is that why you were gone so long?” Jill pasted on a smile she didn’t feel. “I thought you’d gotten lost.”

“What? Oh, yeah. I guess I did.” Ellie’s hand hovered over the light switch. “On or off?”

“Off,” Jill blurted with more force than necessary. “Definitely off. I’m sorry, do you mind?”

“Of course not, but it seems unfair.” Ellie sighed, resigned. Suddenly, she gathered everything up. “No. Forget this. You didn’t do this. You didn’t build this house. You’re just selling it because you can’t afford not to. There’s a deck up top of this palace, isn’t there? Let’s go there. No one can possibly see us up there.”

They carried their dinner and a couple of blankets up to the rooftop deck. In the waning light, they watched a trio of seagulls glide across the horizon as the waves rolled gently to shore. They tracked the surfer with the faded green board riding one final wave to shore. Absurdly,